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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 08:09 PM

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I'm 17, I've been sexually active for 2/3 years now and I've never been able to orgasm. All of my friends seem to have them all the time and it’s really starting to annoy me as it makes sex really frustrating. It puts me in a bad mood a lot of the time and I end up getting really angry at my boyfriend for no reason. I've been in a steady relationship for a while now but I can't even give myself an orgasm so I don't think it's my boyfriends fault. I feel broken =[

I'm really sensitive so clitoral stimulation can be painful and makes me twitch annoyingly, and fingering makes me need to wee really badly which is uncomfortable and puts me off. When it's not uncomfortable for me it takes forever and I get bored or feel bad for taking so long.

Does anyone have any advice?
Or is anyone in the same situation as me so I don't feel completely alone?
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 08:27 PM

I know that I had this problem with guys. I couldn't really get an orgasm on time and it would frustrate me really bad. It is something that each person originally has a problem with.

Attraction and orgasms isn't something you can really control. Fingering doesn't help usually.

I'm not going to say cheat on your boyfriend, but explore your options. It isn't always your fault. It might just be your hormones.




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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 08:42 PM

Orgasm tends to be more to do with state of mind for women than it is for men (for whom it tends to be more mechanical for want of a better word), so how you feel about orgasms or lack thereof may indeed be part of the problem. If you fixate on it then you will start to pick up on hindrances or problem areas which will in turn prevent you reaching that state - some of the reactions you describe, for instance, also tally with accounts of people reaching a state of climax. I'm by no means qualified to talk in length on the subject but I would suggest looking into ways to make yourself feel more emotionally or mentally aroused as well as physical elements as a starter for ten. Other than that, all I would say is like most things to do with sex people can and frequently do exaggerate the number of orgasms they have so I'd take any claims on that front with a pinch of salt.

Anyway, hope some of that helps and take care.


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If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 08:55 PM

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Originally Posted by dr2005 View Post
Orgasm tends to be more to do with state of mind for women than it is for men (for whom it tends to be more mechanical for want of a better word), so how you feel about orgasms or lack thereof may indeed be part of the problem.
I've been thinking for a while that it's mostly in my head but I don't know how to get it out of my head. I've even thought about seeing a sex therapist/hypnotist if it doesn't get better in the future. Do you think that's a bit drastic?
Also, I don't feel comfortable a lot of the time and I'm paranoid about being walked in on or someone hearing which I know can't be helping things. I need to learn to relax and let go but I just don't know how.
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 10:20 PM

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Originally Posted by MorganLeFay View Post


I've been thinking for a while that it's mostly in my head but I don't know how to get it out of my head. I've even thought about seeing a sex therapist/hypnotist if it doesn't get better in the future. Do you think that's a bit drastic?
Also, I don't feel comfortable a lot of the time and I'm paranoid about being walked in on or someone hearing which I know can't be helping things. I need to learn to relax and let go but I just don't know how.
I don't think that's drastic, no. It's completely normal to visit a sex therapist if you feel like it and if you think you will benefit from it. If it's necessary to visit one is a different thing, I personally don't think you need to.

That right there is likely to be the main reason why reaching an orgasm is so hard. To enjoy sex, to let it be good and relax completely, you need to be comfortable with yourself and your surroundings. Letting go is what it's all about. If you can't let go, reaching an orgasm is very tricky.

My girlfriend, now fiancée, used to have this problem. At one point, we were home alone in my house for 1 whole week. In that week we did everything we could to get her to step over that mental edge and let go. We knew nobody would be around, nobody would be home and nobody would hear us. That was a big relief for her. That's when she found out how to let go. Toys can help, but if you're sensitive, then the vibrating toys will only bring you pain.

Sound wise, if you're afraid people will hear you, you can ask your partner to put his hand over your mouth if it's necessary. Intercourse when done in a house with family can be very thrilling and the excitement can easily get you going, once you learn how to let go. Perhaps you could ask your partner if he would keep an ear open for sounds, so that you don't have to. That's what I did with my partner. I told her I would listen for sounds or suspicious things, so that she could fully focus on enjoying.

Hope this helped!

Good luck,





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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 22nd 2011, 11:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MorganLeFay View Post
I've been thinking for a while that it's mostly in my head but I don't know how to get it out of my head. I've even thought about seeing a sex therapist/hypnotist if it doesn't get better in the future. Do you think that's a bit drastic?
As Daniel says, it's not drastic if you feel it will help - if anything it may be the most sensible course of action if it continues to be a problem once you've exhausted other options. In the case of a sex therapist they may be able to suggest techniques or methods to try to address the problem, but as with all things only visit one if you want to and feel it will help.

Otherwise, the biggest thing again seems to be that you need to just relax and not worry about what might happen - as I say quite often, "what if" questions are the worst because you can't answer them. The best approach is just to take whatever steps you can to prevent things happening and after that learn to let go as Daniel says. Once you get over that hurdle I would imagine things will get easier - if they don't then professional advice may be worth seeking.

Again, hope that helps and take care.


"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 23rd 2011, 01:34 AM

A lot of it really is about relaxing, and if you focus too much on having one, it mightn't happen. My first one ever took me completely by surprise, I wasn't expecting to orgasm at all Even now I can only orgasm with someone else if I'm actually in love with them, which sounds drastic (and is a bit annoying) but it's probably to do with letting go. Don't try and focus on climaxing ~ jsut focus on what feels good, and what feels really good, and it'll happen naturally.


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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 23rd 2011, 01:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MorganLeFay View Post
I'm really sensitive so clitoral stimulation can be painful and makes me twitch annoyingly
Originally Posted by MorganLeFay
I've been thinking for a while that it's mostly in my head but I don't know how to get it out of my head. I've even thought about seeing a sex therapist/hypnotist if it doesn't get better in the future. Do you think that's a bit drastic?

I don't think its too drastic, esp. if you think it would help. Sexual fusteration can ruin a relationship, so I def think its worth it.
I would think about seeing a regular womens doctor as well if clitoral stimulation hurts. See a few actually. I read about a women would had been unable to orgasm because something was wrong down there and it took three gyno's to find it, and it was easily fixable. I'm not saying thats the problem, I'm just saying think about and decide if you think see a women's doctor would help. Good luck!


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Last edited by rac146; March 23rd 2011 at 01:49 AM. Reason: my laptop is stupid :)
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 23rd 2011, 06:39 PM

Here's my opinion. You said fingering makes you feel like you need to pee. Don't stop. It's a good thing. Most women end up with a huge orgasm that way. The urge to pee is because of the pressure on your g-spot.
I have the same extremely sensitive clit problem, and hate it being a part of anything. Have you tried a mild vibrator or anything? Figure out what you like and don't like, etc.
For the fear of being walked in on, can you not lock your door? Or just go somewhere else. Maybe his house, etc. Worth a shot.
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 24th 2011, 12:03 AM

I can't when I'm distracted or worrying about something (i.e. someone walking in)
As alot of people have said, you need to relax; I can never orgasm when I'm not relaxed.
   
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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 24th 2011, 12:37 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MorganLeFay View Post

I'm really sensitive so clitoral stimulation can be painful
Me too, to an awkward point. Have you tried through clothes?? It can be a lot better. :P


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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 24th 2011, 03:41 AM

When i was with my EX i never had the big "O". Most girls/ women can not have one on thier own. Try going to the bathroom b4 he fingers you, that might help with that. In order for me to have one, my boyfriend has to do certain things at certain times, and sicne we have been together a while he knows jsut when to do them... if u would like to know/ what ideas... send me a msg... but anyways... its norm to not be able to have one with just having sex.


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Re: Never had an orgasm.... - March 24th 2011, 08:54 PM

Thanks for your advice everyone =] I'm going to try my best to relax and try some new things (and ask for a lock on my door). I'm not expecting anything soon, but hopefully it'll happen.

I really appreciate your help.
   
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