And it seemed so unlikely that we'd have this problem!

[roller♥coaster]

Hey there.

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for quite some time, and we've been spending the past three weeks physically together. It has been a very pleasant experience, and we've had lots of time to enjoy the physical aspect of our relationship that we usually have no access to. (I usually need lots of space, so this is unusual for me to start with! ) I had previously been in a few relationships, but none were ever this serious. My boyfriend has virtually no experience at all, and perhaps this is where our problem stems from.

We've reached sort of an impasse today, it seems. We have been trying to have sex for the first time, but um... he can't get it to stay up once the clothes come off. At this point we've tried three separate times over two days in multiple scenarios and with different kinds of foreplay, but he gets nervous and loses it each time. He was upset enough to cry on one try (though he tried to hide it), and I felt just awful for him, especially considering we have limited time together and there is virtually no way for me to take that pressure off of him.

We talk openly about things, and he's not really sure why he gets so nervous at the last second. It's equally frustrating for me, and once he starts losing it, he quits doing things for me entirely. I'm not sure if asking him to do more for me would be selfish in this situation, but the let down really sucks, so I feel sadly reluctant to mess around at times, knowing it won't amount to much. I have offered to do non-intercourse things for him to maybe lighten the anxiety he's feeling, but he says he feels strange about that for some reason, so I guess I have to respect that.

We are both surprised by this issue because, well, most of the time he has trouble keeping it down!

So... how can I make him more comfortable? Is there anything I can do to make this easier?

Thanks for any advice! Sorry this post was long!

[Composure]

I suppose you kind of have to ease into it. I won't understand what he means by being s nervous he can't get it up, because I've never had that problem. But I've had other problems with other girls that have stemmed from nervousness - and I won't say what, simply out of embarrassment.

Firstly, he has to be comfortable. Are you in places where he's likely to get caught having sex? Do you live with your parents? Are your parents OK with you two having sex? All of these factors seem to contribute to nervousness.

Secondly, he has to know that you're not going to judge him, no matter how it turns out. Is he embarrassed by his size? Is he embarassed by the shape/look of his penis? Perhaps these two questions might contribute to his reluctancy to allow you to do "other things". You also imply in your opening post that you're more experienced than he is. This also contributes to the anxiety of sex, because every guy knows that they'll be compared to the last guy's performance.

Lastly, perhaps you could try foreplay for longer, if he's unwilling to let you try other things. Get him to the point where he just doesn't care what you'll think; he'll just want to stick it in at that point. Perhaps you could also try doing it quickly - maybe don't give him much time to think, and he won't be able to react fast enough to lose it.

I remember the first time I had sex - it was painful for me, due a condition I have (1 in 8 experience symptoms sometime in their life). The next time I tried to have sex, I was so worried it would hurt again, that I was almost completely turned off by it. But that's a story for another time - just keep at it and you'll be fine. Good luck!

[roller♥coaster]

Well, he can get it up, but he can't keep it there -- he's fine initially, but when it comes time to engage in the act itself, he loses it. I won't pretend to understand it, being female and a confident one at that, but he assures me that it's nerves, and I have nothing else to go by! He's a shy, quiet, backward kind of guy, if that means anything at all. Also, it's worth noting that he has initiated each of the three times we've tried.

All of our exploits up to this point have taken place in his hotel room, where we are completely alone, and the chances of being caught in the act are slim to none.

I've tried really hard to make it clear that I won't be judgmental. He's actually pretty well-endowed down there, but I think he's self-conscious about his body overall, and that adds into his lack of experience. I'm still a virgin, but I've had boyfriends that I've been somewhat sexual with in the past, so I'm much more comfortable with myself in that area than he is. I compliment him when I can, but I don't want to get annoyingly wordy, and he doesn't give me enough time to show him more physically that I like the way he looks.

He's fine with a little oral and hand play, but he'd rather those were only part of foreplay instead of a way to get off and has stopped me when he felt close to finishing. I don't know why.

I might try the quick approach next. Thank you for your help.

[Composure]

How long do you two have together, if you don't mind me asking? How long left before he goes back home? If time is not much of an issue, then you need to have a long conversation about what is going to happen. He could also be feeling the tension because he knows he won't have much time to spend with you, and losing your virginity is a one time thing. Mind you, he did initiate it all three times - so you might be safe regarding that.

Even though you say he is well endowed, he might not believe it due to his lack of self esteem. And you say you have no time to physically show him how much you like his body, size, etc - but there are little things you could do to show him you love how he looks. Simple complimenting gestures (touch his shoulders/grabbing his waist) when you're not about to have sex, is a good way. Saying/doing something before sex can make a guy doubt the sincerity of that gesture due to lack of confidence. For instance, I used to have a slight gut when I was 16-17, and my girlfriend at the time used to hold me around the waist every time we watched a movie - this kind indicated to me that she didn't mind my gut, though she didn't even have to say anything to show her physical attraction. Simple things like that makes a guy relax a little bit, I think.

Other than those, I'm afraid I'm out of ideas. Sorry. Good luck!

[Allons-y!]

I agree with the quick approach. Now that this has happened several times, as soon as you start kissing and it becomes obvious you're going to try to have sex, he's going to start feeling self-conscious and worried that it'll happen again, but if you all of a sudden pounce on him (:P) he won't have a chance to worry about that.

You might also want to try being more communicative, if you aren't already. By that I mean, talk when you're having sex! Just talk. Tell him how attracted to him you are, how much you like/love him, how good it feels, how happy he makes you, etc. I think sometimes sex can be difficult because people feel so removed from their partners, like everything is so serious.

[Come get some]

Do whatever turns him on the most, deep throat never fails to turn me on