Moral question

[Revolution]

Alright, I have an interesting question for you guys.

Do you think it's morally right for a person to be in a relationship and masturbate while thinking about somebody else? Some people, such as Dr. Phil, have come out and said things such as masturbating over porn is wrong, and stuff like that. I think his defense was it is "psychologically cheating". I'm wondering what other people think.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You are not physically cheating. I don't get the big deal. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend was doing that. Thoughts? Opinions?

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

I don't see a problem with masturbating over something like porn, where you don't know the people and you are using the images to stimulate yourself, but when if someone was in a relationship with me and fantasizing about someone else that they know in real life and I found out, I wouldn't be very happy. I'd feel like I wasn't good enough, you know?

[Dez]

I completely agree. I don't mind if they masturbate over porn but when it comes to a real person that he knows, it would be an entirely different story. It would probably make me really uncomfortable.

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Evanesco

I don't see a problem with masturbating over something like porn, where you don't know the people and you are using the images to stimulate yourself, but when if someone was in a relationship with me and fantasizing about someone else that they know in real life and I found out, I wouldn't be very happy. I'd feel like I wasn't good enough, you know?

I agree with this. Watching porn, they don't know the people. But if they are thinking about someone else then that would bother me.

[Aletheia*]

Why automatically assume that he'd me masturbating about some you know?

After watching 7 seasons of a little show called Rescue Me, I learned about something called the 'Spank Bank', which both men and women have. It's where we store our favorite sexual fantasies. They don't have to include your significant other.

What I'm saying is: I'd be okay with this. He's just imagining it. It's not really happening, and probably would never happen. My boyfriend has openlyadmitted that he's done this, and I have too. It's just part of our nature. Why should we always masturbate and think about our sig oth's. Sure, it's the "moral" thing to do, but they're just fantasies.

[TrevorTime]

Yeah, I think about hot guys I see on TV. My boyfriend does the same thing. It doesn't mean that we are cheating on each other.

[Le bonheur*]

I've never had this discussion with my boyfriend but I think I'd be okay with him masturbating to porn/thinking about someone rather than physically cheating on me... which I trust that he'd never do.

[Sincerely Yours ♥]

I don't think it's wrong. Masturbating can help keep people from physically cheating. It's kinda hard to go your entire life without crushing on someone besides your significant other anyways. Anyone who says otherwise is a hypocrite.

[dr2005]

I think Dr Phil does have a good point - when you break it down to its most basic level, you are using another person other than your partner as a means of sexual gratification (even if you are masturbating, they still form a component part in the arousal etc.), and on the most basic level that isn't really much different to what cheating entails. Indeed, the thought process seems to be quite comparable. There are of course a multitude of factors to consider, not least the fact that it would be a very uncomfortable prospect for many were it viewed in that way and the lack of emotional connection (although whether that factors into "normal" cheating is debatable), but I can see the logic behind it and it has some merit.

Conversely, I'm not sure the crush analogy is quite right - it's one thing to feel attracted to a person, but quite another to use them for your sexual gratification (be it mutual or otherwise). To paraphrase Pulp Fiction, it's not even the same sport, never mind the same ballpark. I'm also not sure about the "being a stranger" argument, if only because it starts to get into difficult waters if you apply it to situations like using a prostitute. Admittedly that has the physical cheating element as well, but that justification could be twisted to apply to that scenario as well and it gets messy after that. I can understand the logic behind them, and again there is some merit, but both do run into problems.

It is an interesting question though, and I suppose the most prudent thing to say is it comes down to you and your partner as to how you view it. Bit of a copout I know, but hey.

[QuantumModulus]

I don't think there is anything wrong about masturbating while in a relationship (libido can't match with your partner every single time you get aroused, and it's unlikely that you're aroused only when he/she is around and ready), and I don't think there is anything explicitly wrong with masturbating while thinking about someone else (say, that you know personally) - contrary to how there is something of a general understanding that physically cheating is bad. I don't feel the urge to use thoughts about someone else as a form of sexual gratification while masturbating, and I would feel betrayed if I knew that my girlfriend did. It would make me insecure above anything else.

[MacGuffin]

Okay, first of all, I find the view that masturbating while in a relationship to be a very conservative viewpoint that people take when they are probably uncomfortable with masturbation by itself in the first place. But all that aside...

I see no problem with my boyfriend masturbating over porn. I mean, I masturbate while watching porn, too. However, I also do not mind him masturbating over people outside of porn, even people we know or people he's chatted with online. Because the fact of the matter is, he still masturbates over me and he still fucks me, and I know anyone he has masturbates over will not effect my relationship with him.

Keep in mind, though, that I am in an polyamorous, open relationship so I have very different views of sex and masturbation. I've thought of outside partners I've slept with or wanted to sleep with whilst masturbating. I've thought of his other girlfriend, too, who used to be my girlfriend, while masturbating, and I know he thinks about her when he does, too. I know she used to think of me and she still does think of him. And I know both of them think about the partners we share as a poly group and the partners they have outside of me when they masturbate.

That may be a little confusing to comprehend, but my basic point is: if I let myself get upset over the fact my boyfriend masturbates over other people, it would be a little ridiculous. In fact, it would hinder my relationship with him, for no real reason. So I don't have a problem with it.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Honestly, I would be upset if I knew my boyfriend was doing that. I wouldn't go as far as to accuse him of cheating, but I would be hurt. In the same way that I would be hurt if I found out he was telling all his important secrets to someone else rather than me. I just feel like I should be the person he turns to, emotionally, sexually and so on.

I also don't really understand the argument that "it's only okay if it is someone he doesn't know". How is it different? It sounds a bit like you're saying that if it was someone he did know, then he might be more likely to act on those thoughts, which sort of undermines the whole "fantasies are nothing like cheating" argument.

And I echo Dave's comments about crushes. Many times, we can't control our feelings towards someone; crushes just happen. But we're perfectly capable of controlling whether we imagine that person when masturbating. It's not the same thing.

[Loving Linux Penguin]

Note that although I am weighing in on this, I have not been in a relationship before, so I have not experienced the real thing yet.

Here's the thing: whether you are in a relationship or not, you are going to have fantasies--it's only natural. It is not a requirement, nor an expectation, that my significant other suppress any and all fantasies that do not involve me!! Who he (or she, if I ended up with a girl) thinks about when he masturbates is their business. If they want to be open about it, that's fine and I would hold nothing against them, but if not, that's okay too. I personally fantasize about guys when I masturbate...it's not something I would want them to know, but it is what it is.

[Justin Bieber]

I don't masturbate, so I can't really have a full perspective on that end. But I've had boyfriends who masturbated. Generally, we never talked about it much/at all. The only boyfriend I had who mentioned it, only did because he would masturbate with me in mind-- and would sometimes call me to see if I'd participate when we couldn't be together.

Do I think it's morally wrong for guys to masturbate while watching porn or thinking about another person? A little bit. Watching porn is better than thinking about a specific person, to me. Why? Porn has no emotional connection, just things that can be arousing. However, for my boyfriend to think of someone in particular to masturbate about would make me uncomfortable as it would make it seem like he could more readily cheat and is no longer completely loyal to me.

In the end, I'd rather just not know

[crissy97]

i dont think it is cheating i do it *blushes*

[Revolution]

I really like hearing another point of view.

As background, this is not about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I don't talk about his...hand relationship much, other then I know he does it, but I have no caring in the matter what so ever. I'm actually talking about myself. I very often think about fictional characters, whether I fabricated, or I got from a book or television show, and occasionally, I have thought about people I know in real life, and sometimes, past relationships. It's something that happens, and afterwards, I have a lot of regret for. I'm wondering if it's something I should really try to stop from happening, even if that means stopping all together, or if this is an experience others have. I thought about asking my boyfriend if he has this experience, but I was afraid he'd be offended knowing I have. Hahahaha!!

I really see the thing people are saying with the porn vs. people you know. There is a huge difference. I have no problem with either, as long as he stays faithful, to be honest. I really don't care. My boyfriend is very honest with me, and I trust he'd never cheat. If he accidently thinks about a hot girl from one of his classes, good for her, but he's mine that night. I don't know. Maybe I'm being biased because I have this experience as well.

Pwease keep answering! I now doing feel as alone.

[Aletheia*]

Originally Posted by Coffee❤

I really like hearing another point of view.

As background, this is not about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I don't talk about his...hand relationship much, other then I know he does it, but I have no caring in the matter what so ever. I'm actually talking about myself. I very often think about fictional characters, whether I fabricated, or I got from a book or television show, and occasionally, I have thought about people I know in real life, and sometimes, past relationships. It's something that happens, and afterwards, I have a lot of regret for. I'm wondering if it's something I should really try to stop from happening, even if that means stopping all together, or if this is an experience others have. I thought about asking my boyfriend if he has this experience, but I was afraid he'd be offended knowing I have. Hahahaha!!

I really see the thing people are saying with the porn vs. people you know. There is a huge difference. I have no problem with either, as long as he stays faithful, to be honest. I really don't care. My boyfriend is very honest with me, and I trust he'd never cheat. If he accidently thinks about a hot girl from one of his classes, good for her, but he's mine that night. I don't know. Maybe I'm being biased because I have this experience as well.

Pwease keep answering! I now doing feel as alone.

In regards to your post, I just wanted to add a few things.

Masturbating is completely healthy and if you think of other people: fictional, non-fictional...they're all fantasies which we're entitled to have. I've thought of other people during masturbation, usually someone I've seen on TV, someone I knew in real life or even a fictional character I made up. Both myself and my boyfriend don't see a problem with it. I don't think you're being biased. He isn't cheating, and you trust that he won't. So, there shouldn't be a problem when you think of someone else. They're sort of like dreams, sometimes it just happens.

[harley]

masturbation is what keeps you faithful you can masturbate thinking about who ever you want as long as you only masturbate you would rather masturbate than go out and have sex with the person you are thinking about

[Revolution]

Haha, thanks guys! I talked to my boyfriend about it finally, he says he does it too. That's surprisingly relieving for me, rather than being like "Whuuuh?" I don't really care what he thinks about. I know he's faithful, whatevs. His hand, his body, his business as long as it's not infecting me with STIs

[Chair]

"Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction..."

[LittleMiss]

Masturbating over someone IRL, I'd probably be a bit miffed. But masturbating in general, why not? I mean, you have urges and it's a natural way to deal with them.

[Hallelujah]

You're not choosing masturbation over them, so to me, it isn't cheating. Besides, we all have our sexual desires that you simply won't find anywhere other than the internet. Me and my partner don't talk about it, it's a natural thing and it's not hurting anybody, so why not?
I dunno how I'd feel about him thinking about someone else...it's not cheating but to me, it feels like I'm not trying hard enough. More effort next time ;]

[Xx.Shes.Unbroken.xX]

Honestly, I just think I'm insecure. But, I would HATE if my boyfriend masturbated to porn or whatever. :/ I think that if he wants to look at other girls in that way, have his little fantasies or whatever, and use his hand. Then, he can STICK TO HIS HAND. If you're in a relationship with me, you're gonna be thinking about me and doing things with me. Another reason why I hate that, is because he gets thoughts about sex in his head that aren't even true. Women don't have perfect boobs, labia, and the things that they do in porn, sometimes.. are absolutely REDICULUS. -_- I don't want him to think that about sex, like most guys do. It's absurd. I'm sorry, just my point of view. lol

[Revolution]

Originally Posted by DarkAngel11

Honestly, I just think I'm insecure. But, I would HATE if my boyfriend masturbated to porn or whatever. :/ I think that if he wants to look at other girls in that way, have his little fantasies or whatever, and use his hand. Then, he can STICK TO HIS HAND. If you're in a relationship with me, you're gonna be thinking about me and doing things with me. Another reason why I hate that, is because he gets thoughts about sex in his head that aren't even true. Women don't have perfect boobs, labia, and the things that they do in porn, sometimes.. are absolutely REDICULUS. -_- I don't want him to think that about sex, like most guys do. It's absurd. I'm sorry, just my point of view. lol

I completely get what you mean about porn. And it always looks so perfect in porn! No "Hey, your arm is on my hair". And they never use a condom! It's pretty absurd. However, I do not feel insecure about it. I know my boyfriend loves me, and only wants me in bed, so what he chooses to look at or think about when he's by himself is up to him. I think about other people sometimes, or characters, and if he watches porn sometimes, that's his choice.

[Xx.Shes.Unbroken.xX]

Originally Posted by Coffee❤

I completely get what you mean about porn. And it always looks so perfect in porn! No "Hey, your arm is on my hair". And they never use a condom! It's pretty absurd. However, I do not feel insecure about it. I know my boyfriend loves me, and only wants me in bed, so what he chooses to look at or think about when he's by himself is up to him. I think about other people sometimes, or characters, and if he watches porn sometimes, that's his choice.

True. I actually don't know if I'm insecure about it or not. That's why I said "I just think" lol idk... but, yeah. Just my P.O.V. and, I completely agree with you. Haha

[thinkingandage]

Originally Posted by Coffee❤

Haha, thanks guys! I talked to my boyfriend about it finally, he says he does it too. That's surprisingly relieving for me, rather than being like "Whuuuh?" I don't really care what he thinks about. I know he's faithful, whatevs. His hand, his body, his business as long as it's not infecting me with STIs

Yup, sometimes much communication between you and your bf is necessary.

[Gymnophoria]

Originally Posted by Evanesco

I don't see a problem with masturbating over something like porn, where you don't know the people and you are using the images to stimulate yourself, but when if someone was in a relationship with me and fantasizing about someone else that they know in real life and I found out, I wouldn't be very happy. I'd feel like I wasn't good enough, you know?

I agree with this. Especially if you don't get to see your partner often or are in a long distance relationship. Sometimes you just can't help yourself and I don't have a problem with that.

[little.seeker]

In my opinion, I'm really fricking shallow. I watch porn all the time and masturbate to it. But with me, I'm not watching real porn. I'm watching freaky hentai stuff. But my boyfriend watches normal porn. And sometimes I get bothered by it and i talk to him. That's when he reassures me about it. he typically will imagine me as the lead role in the porn because he can't masturbate unless it's me. And he might be bullsh*tting me but then again, I think he's also being incredibly sweet and most likely telling the truth.

[Chris.]

No, I personally dont think there is any problem with masterbating to someone else even though you have a boyfriend. Nor do I think it is morally wrong.

Just my opionion though.

[Lars]

I think its just the fact that you're looking for pleasure in something else other that your partner that makes in wrong. If they are ok with it i dont see a reason to be against it but if you go behind their back to do it, its just wrong in my book.