I'm awkward...

[into creation x]

I've never been that interested in sex or doing anything in the bedroom. It makes me feel nervous, scared and uncomfortable. Almost a year ago I was with my ex only for a couple months and quite early on (well probably normal speed) he was trying it on with me in his room which resulted in me getting really tense which he sensed then I cried when he confronted me about it. I don't know why this happened. Maybe I'm insecure about my body... but I know it's fine. Maybe I'm a little embarrassed about 'down there' too, my friends all shave completely, I've never tried that, not really interested and seems like a big effort haha. So I just trim so it's tidy... yet I still wear swim shorts over my bikini when I go swimming as I'm just not comfortable.

The problem is I've just started seeing someone who I like a lot and he likes me too. We've been out a fair few times now since we met a few weeks back but both live with our parents so can't get alone time not in public apart from in his car. We've kissed a lot but I know he wants more. I've already told him some stuff but been a bit vague. I've told him about the event with my ex but that I didn't know why it happened. He knows it makes me really nervous from the way I'll go really quiet. I think he even realised my heart racing a couple nights ago with nerves while getting a little too intimate for my liking in his car I've told him I've not ever really been that interested. I've told him I lost my virginity earlier this year to a drunken one night stand and have done it again since then as another drunken one night stand.

Anyway, my parents went out last night so he came over for a few hours and of course my bed was there. We were kissing which I'm fine with but then his hands were all over my body (we were clothed, nothing came off either of us) then I just freak out and don't know what to do.. I kinda just let him carry on for a bit but how can I enjoy it when I don't know what I'm doing and am just scared and nervous? He went a bit too far and I felt uncomfortable and he realised... I just told him to go slow. He apologised and said it's fine we'll wait till I'm ready. But what if I'm never ready? He asked the other night what do I like? I told him nothing as far as I know, with my lack of experience. He said there's going to be a lot of trial and error then with experimenting. What if I don't like anything or we never even get to that stage? I just feel so awkward Sexual things have never meant anything to me, I know it's meant to make a better connection with someone you love but I've only ever seen it as meaning nothing. Everyone's doing it with people they barely know, even I've done that and it makes you feel like crap after

How do I solve this? I'm 19, shouldn't I at least feel horny when there's someone I quite like kissing me, touching my body and telling me how much he likes me? He's even told me he really likes my body and told me how sexy he thinks I am so I'm not worried he'd not like what he see's if we were to take our clothes off! Apart from maybe down there... he said we'll worry about that bridge when we get to it. I think he'll be really supportive about all this, it's just I can't see myself ever feeling okay about it. I'm scared I'll end up crying in front of him because I don't know what I'm doing

Any advice would be great. I think part of the reason I lost my ex was because of this and I certainly don't want to lose this one any time soon.

[Strummer]

Your two "drunken one night stands" that you mentioned are red flags, so those situations should be avoided in the future, since they will not lead to successful relationships. Otherwise, your feelings are understandable. You have to go at your own pace without comparisons to others. If your boyfriend is right for you, he will not try to rush things. And when the time is right, I understand that a good amount of foreplay is necessary for the female to be ready. If you're not ready, do not continue. Would you feel more comfortable giving your boyfriend a handjob while you keep your clothes on?