Non-PG13: Scared of Sex...

[alice28]

Right so this is difficult and not sure how to explain it. There are really two issues I have.

1) My boyfriend loves it when I give him blowjobs, although personally I hate them. I've never really liked them and to be honest they scare me a little bit. He gets really upset when I won't give him one and starts doubting the relationship and whether I love him, which I do. I think the problem is that in the past I've ended up with a sore mouth afterwards, and when he ejaculates he holds my head as to prevent me from pulling away...this scares me as I can feel like I'm going to choke.

2) I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now and been sexually active with him for 3 and a half years (ish). We've never had a problem in terms of having sex until about 7 months ago, when it became painful for me - he wasnt able to do anything sexual to me as it hurt too much. I sought medical advice and was given cream to treat thrush. About a month later the same thing happened and they gave me more cream and some other medication to help the problem. However, this has not helped and the problem still occurs although not as much as it did. But I can no longer have fingering as part of the foreplay otherwise its too painful for me to be able to have sex afterwards.
Its got to the point now where I get scared and try to put off having sex with him, which isnt helping our relationship to be honest.

Any advice would be good as to how to overcome this fear of blowjobs and the issues with sex before I lose him

[Aletheia*]

1) My boyfriend loves it when I give him blowjobs, although personally I hate them. I've never really liked them and to be honest they scare me a little bit. He gets really upset when I won't give him one and starts doubting the relationship and whether I love him, which I do. I think the problem is that in the past I've ended up with a sore mouth afterwards, and when he ejaculates he holds my head as to prevent me from pulling away...this scares me as I can feel like I'm going to choke.

If you aren't comfortable with giving him blow job's, don't. Sex is just one added bonus to a relationship, it's not the deciding factor of whether or not you love someone. This should be explained to him. He shouldn't doubt whether or not you love him based on the fact that you don't want to give him oral sex. Tell him this, it's unfair to you if you aren't comfortable giving them. The thing with blow job's though is that I get a sore mouth afterwards too. We're using muscles in our mouths we normally don't use, and obviously, it's going to make them sore. You're not alone there. If you aren't comfortable with them, don't do them.

2) I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now and been sexually active with him for 3 and a half years (ish). We've never had a problem in terms of having sex until about 7 months ago, when it became painful for me - he wasnt able to do anything sexual to me as it hurt too much. I sought medical advice and was given cream to treat thrush. About a month later the same thing happened and they gave me more cream and some other medication to help the problem. However, this has not helped and the problem still occurs although not as much as it did. But I can no longer have fingering as part of the foreplay otherwise its too painful for me to be able to have sex afterwards.
Its got to the point now where I get scared and try to put off having sex with him, which isnt helping our relationship to be honest.

If sex is becoming that painful, you need to make a visit with another doctor. Obviously, the cream that they've given you is no longer helping, so there is something else going on. It could be a bacterial infection, or an STI/STD, so I would visit with another doctor to make sure nothing else is going on.

[Chris.]

I agree with Shannon 100% on both statements she made.

Don't feel like you have to do something to save a relationship. If you don't want to do it, then tell him. As Shannon said, sex is just a bonus to a relationship - it is not the main factor (although many teens are in it just for the sex - which is wrong).

And yes, I agree with Shannon again, visit another doctor and try some new stuff out - its a trail and error process.

Best wishes,
Chris

[lifeasashoe]

for first issue:
i hated them too >.> i remember when i thought "ew. they pee there. WHY THE HELL would i SUCK on it." ahahaha.
i understand what ppl say abt not being forced to do something in a relationship. for me, i got over my hate for bjs because i guess i truly love the guy. ik, ik. im so young :'D.
choking-it does get quite scary, doesnt it. it's all up in ur throat but i think bjs r a perfect way of getting it wet and making it easier to stick - AHAHAHA. im so immature.

however i will NEVER let him cum in my mouth POOR U QQ tlk to him. js srsly tlk to hiim. my bf said tat if i swallowed it, he would b very happy. ur guy shouldnt doubt u if u choose to refuse bjs. bc the same can be said to him: "well, u dont love me bc u wont let me do wat i want to do".

am i rambling? i js realized tat im writing so shorthandedly...i apologize for being so unprofessional

[Revolution]

1. He has no right to make you feel forced to give them. Blowjobs aren't my favorite part of my boyfriend and mine sexuality, but he never forces me to give them, and when I give him them, it's something special, you know? He would never expect me to do something I didn't want. And also, one of the most uncomfortable things a man can do when you are already being sexual with him is to attempt to move your head in any specific way, especially holding you down. If he wants oral sex, he needs to cut this out. I completely understand your hate of this, I hate it too. But I had that conversation as well, it's awkward at first, but it makes things a lot less awkward.

2. What kind of doctor have you been going to? If you were sexual before and then this started, this sounds like an infection. It doesn't mean you are dirty or anything, STIs happen, people are touchy, and nobody would think dirty of you if you had pink eye, an STI is the same thing, it just means you are touching other people. Planned Parenthood offers tests for these kind of things, very often for free. It's a lot worse to wait, a lot of bad things can happen, such as infertility or the infection can get worse. I'm obviously not doctor and saying this is what it is, but that's what it sounds like. Other then that, how much lubricant are you using? If possibly you are having sex when you not want to, you might be tense, especially if you are feeling pain. Tell him to do more things to relax you before sex, rather than an activity that stresses you as well, as fingering has been. Tell him what you like in foreplay. If he doesn't want to please you, well, you have no necessity of pleasing him either.

Good luck! I hope this helps, and that everything turns out okay. Keep your needs first, he can wait a little while you get these things sorted.

[Charlie the wallflower]

Wow, thats kinda messed up that he holds your head and wont let you move when he cums, seriously, dont let him think he can control you in that way.

[Hish]

Do not be forced to do anything you don't want to do. Talk to him. Communication is key in a relationship.

And for your personal issues downstairs, I'd recommend seeing a different doctor. Obviously the creams are not working.

[Le bonheur*]

I'm just going to restate what the others have said. Hun, DON'T let him control you. Doing something you don't want to do without being forced is one thing but for him to force you and hold your head there until he "finishes" is NOT fair to you. Talk with him. Express your fears and feelings. He'll either understand or he won't. If he doesn't, he's not worth it. You deserve someone who will treat you with nothing but respect. As for your painful sex, I suggest going back to the doctor and telling them that the creams aren't working and it keeps repeating itself and it's getting worse. They'll be able to help you further. Take care & good luck.