Rushing everything

[iamverybeautiful]

I feel that in this day and age people are always in a rush... for everything.. to work, to go out, to walk, to eat.

It feels as though people never slow down to just enjoy the moment. And I feel this way about relationships and sex.

I've had one boyfriend. After dating for 4 months, he mentioned that we had been in the same level physically (at that point we had only made out topless). That really freaked me out because I knew that he wanted more but I was also angry because I felt rushed (I had never gone further than that--still haven't -- so I was scared). I know that it's partly my fault because I didn't communicate with him as well as I should've. The truth is that, looking back, I see that we had different personalities and we didn't communicate the same way so it was awkward. Things that mattered to me didn't matter to him and vice-versa. We dated for 2 more months (it just wasn't working out).

That kind of left a bad taste for relationships. I dated someone else for a month but I felt the guy was very clingy and he started calling me his girlfriend after 3 dates. He said that he felt I'm keeping up a wall and not sharing with him. My ex-boyfriend had said a similar thing. However, I was surprised that this guy said it. I was angry because he wanted me to share EVERYTHING with him (considering we had only gone on 3-4 dates by now), even though I'm an out-going person and during our dates, there were never awkward silences (we always had something to say). I was angry because I didn't know if it was my fault (that I was supposed to share everything with him so soon) or that he was just very clingy. I felt veryyyy pressured and plus I concluded that I didn't really have any feelings for him, so I ended things.

I also had another guy be very clingy and PUSHY with me (we didn't really date) but I realized in the end that he was just desperate for sex. I found out because he mentioned to my friend (he didn't know she was my friend) that he was going through a dry spell.

These experiences have kind of turned me off from relationships, especially sex. I see it everywhere... people jumping into bed right away (or just rushing things in general). I don't want to turn this into a debate that they shouldn't do this, but I just.. can't do it. I was raised not to jump into relationships or sex right away. But everywhere I go, I always have to face this thing that goes against my values. I'm not saying that I'm saving myself for marriage but I just want to feel comfortable with a person before I have sex with them... the thing is that it takes me some time to be truly comfortable with someone. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I could be able to have sex with anyone, anytime. A guy that I liked one time (he didn't know I liked him) said that he wouldn't date a virgin... You can guess how I felt. I think it's funny how 60 years ago non-virgins would be scared if someone found out, but now it's the opposite.

I'm scared of actually dating someone for fear that I feel pressured, or worse, that I wouldn't know how to communicate.

Why do people rush everything? Just savour the moment...

[Aletheia*]

Some people rush things because that's what THEY want to do. We can't blame or judge people for THEIR choices. I see what you're saying though. But, don't base your previous experiences with relationship to every relationship you're going to have in the future. Not all guys are going to want "more" from you in weeks or months at a time. Sure, they're going to THINK about it. It's just in our nature. But, that doesn't mean they're going to pressure you into doing anything you're not ready for. For me, none of my boyfriend's (and I've only slept with two) have never pressured me into doing anything I wasn't ready for. I waited two months to sleep with the person I lost my virginity too. I waited two weeks with my current, but that was only because I really liked him, had known him for a few years before becoming official, and we had been intimate before (and, I do mean sex, and I did wait a while before that happened). Everyone is different, and we can't judge people on what their personal choices are. No matter what we say or think, those people are going to do what they feel is right for them.

[MacGuffin]

Not everyone wants to have sex right away in relationships, and while it may seem that way from a few bad experiences in relationships, I hope you don't let it permanently jade your view of relationships and sex in general. With the right partner it can be a really amazing thing. It's just a matter of being with the right partner, one who respects the way you feel about physical intimacy in addition to being compatible with you in other ways.

However, for most people it's a really tricky thing to navigate. You don't want to bring up how you feel about sex too soon, because the other person might assume you were thinking about having sex with them and could be offended, but if you don't bring it up soon enough, you get too far entrenched in the relationship and feel only more disappointment and jadedness if it turns out they want sex faster than you do.

I should preface this by saying this is my own two cents, and may not be right for your situation, but there's a possible way to strike a balance. Say someone has asked you out, and it seems to look potentially successful from the beginning, so you decide to continue on a few dates and see what happens. Things still look good as the dates go on. So after a few dates (assuming they occur over a length of time comfortable for you to discuss this with the person) OR when it seems things are about to start becoming attached but not quite (i.e. before the "I want you to be my girlfriend" mark), sit down and have a talk with him.

It's important to be honest and assertive, but to also approach it in a way so that you don't potentially scare him off. It could look something like the following format, but you could of course do it in whatever way feels best for you.

* explain that you feel things are going well, you enjoy spending time with him, you really like him, value his companionship, etc.
* ask how he feels things are going
* if his answer seems to look like he is heading for a more solid thing, or a sexual way, preface your next part by saying that what you have to say is important before going forward
* explain that you really value your relationships and have important values you need to be respected in them (or whatever you feel conveys that sense)
* let him know that in previous relationships you have had bad experiences with being pressured for sex, and you have come to find you don't want to be in a relationship in like that
* assure him that you do NOT assume he is in any way like this, but due to experience you feel it's important to be upfront about this
* ask to move the physical side of things slowly, and to let you go at your own pace, and let you let him know when you want to move forward
* tell him your hope he understands where you are coming from

Again, just a suggestion; you may not want to approach it like this at all. But if you want, this is a loose guideline of something that is still assertive, but also reassuring and comforting to the potential guy in question.

I hope you find explaining this early on will weed out some of the guys that are wanting to move too quickly for you. They aren't bad people for wanting to do so, because that is what is right for them, but it's just not right for you. And there is nothing wrong with that. Find what makes you happy, and live a life full of meaningful relationships.

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

Jordan gave a really good piece of advice. I think that explaining that you've not had a great experience so far is a really good idea because that way the guy understands why you are acting the way you are, why you might worry that he'll pressure you and also will know how you feel about sex an relationships in general. You don't need to go into detail about it, just enough so that they aren't left not knowing how to act around you, or acting in a way that you don't like.

There are loads of guys out there who don't want to pressure you into anything or move things on too fast. It might take a while to find the right guy but they are out there. Don't let this put you off relationships because those guys aren't worth that much influence on you.

[jake_black7]

Not everyone is in a rush, but the reason that a lot of people are nowadays is because decades ago, people would just wait to grow up, get into whatever job they could find and stick with it, but these days everything is about doing what YOU want, and a lot of people don't want to miss a second of that, which is why they rush.

But like you, I am also not a rusher. I take life slow, and for a relationship to work, you need to find someone who goes at the same pace as you. This may sound bad, but once you find that someone, you will be really happy and it will have been worth the wait.