"I'm more experienced than my boyfriend?"

[SamMarie]

My boyfriend and I were webcaming last night asking each other "awkward funny questions" which gave us some time to learn more about ourselves. Well, he asked me, "Why did you and your ex really break up?" Long story short, my ex lost feelings for me and we tried fixing it by being intimate. However, it only made it worse because it led to a pregnancy scare which when my ex found out, it made him more distant from me. Turns out, I wasn't pregnant and after that my ex left me.

Then he asked me, "How many times did you have sex with your ex?" I said roughly about 20 times. We didn't really get to see each other that often, but when we did.. it was really just about sex. We would do it about 2-3 times on the days we did each other which was only twice a month and a few exceptions where we got to see each other more than that.

When I told my current boyfriend this, he felt weak. He had only one real girlfriend before me and they only had sex once or twice. Then again, he reminded me that she was also raped by her uncle which limited the sex during their relationship.

I still feel regretful of losing it to my ex and at the time, I was sexually active and our whole relationship just turned into only sex. Knowing this, my current boyfriend feels odd knowing that I'm more experienced than him with sex even if he understands that it is the past. Truth is, I haven't had sex in over a year. I've only had sex with one guy in my whole entire life so far.

We both realized that if we do stick together that later down the road we would eventually have sex, but I feel like him knowing that I am a bit more experienced would shy him away from it in the future now. I let him know that I was 15 at the time. I was stupid and that I did change from that sexually active life now that I'll be 18 this year. I've matured since then.

He says it doesn't bother him, but I feel like it does by the way he reacted. He didn't really want to talk about it anymore, but I let it slide because I realize it was bothering him more than it should. I don't want him to think low of himself because I am more experienced than him. What should I do?

[Amber]

The way I see it, just because you've had sex a fair few more times than he has doesn't exactly make you more experienced. I have always viewed experience as when you do something more than once with more than one person. Everyone has their own style/way of doing certain things and that's what gives you experience. You'll never stop learning and you'll always find new ways of doing things.

Reassure your boyfriend that everything is okay and he shouldn't feel low about himself just because he hasn't had sex as many times as you have.. If your boyfriend says he doesn't want to talk about it make sure you don't push him to talk about it. This is just a silly thing to get upset over and it isn't really a big deal. Also, don't regret having sex with your ex boyfriend because at the time you thought it was the right thing to do and you shouldn't feel in the wrong for doing it. Everything happens for a reason.

[Aletheia*]

I agree with the above poster. Just because you've had sex a few more times than he does doesn't mean you're the more experienced partner in the relationship. Especially if your relationship was solely based on sex, I'm sure it was just a "Let's get this over with" type of thing.

It's best to be honest with him, and tell him to be honest with you. The point of a relationship is to learn things from each other, so when the time comes, you can teach each other things that you like. If he does something wrong, let him know what to do right. If you're doing something wrong, or something he doesn't like, I'm sure he'll voice it. He has no reason to feel low. He can't expect every girl he dates to be "less experienced" than he is. He'll find girls that are FAR more experienced than he is.

[Colors Leave Me Blind]

Just because you have had sex more times than your current boyfriend, doesn't always mean you are more experienced. It just means you've done it more than him. And maybe he has some really cool techniques that your ex didn't have. so maybe your are equally experienced. I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you think he is that bothered by it, you should talk to him and make sure he knows that it's okay.

[niente_]

He probably asked those kind of questions to get that specific information out of you to see what he's up against. It was probably one of those "I want to know but at the same time I don't" things. I've been on both sides of this. One boyfriend found out via a drinking game that I had lost my virginity already, and he went on to describe me as "second hand" which really really annoyed me. Anyway he said sorry and when the time came for me and him I tried to make it as nice as possible for him, being considerate about it being his first time, without making it obvious that I was doing that. So maybe try to not make a big deal out of it, and if he brings it up, just tell him it doesn't matter, you're both different people and you are both on the same ground in that you both have to figure out what the other person likes. Now, my current boyfriend has slept around a bit from what I can tell ... and now I'm so petrified that I won't match up to what he's had before that I can't bring myself to get on top in case I am rubbish. So I sort of know how he's feeling, but how you're feeling too. When the time comes for you too, if he does something right, tell him, it'll boost his confidence a bit. Or help him out a bit by telling him what you like but without making it embarrassing for him.

[Revolution]

I had a similar situation earlier in my current relationship, except he was more experienced than me. I felt really innocent, I had been in relationships, but none of them were serious, and I felt as soon as we were intimate I'd not be very good. Your boyfriend probably feels similar to this, and he is afraid that he won't be able to please you.

You have to let him know exactly what you told us, that this relationship was mainly about sex, and that it was not a happy one. You also need to let him know how long ago it was. That really does make a difference. You're really not that more experienced than him, and when it comes to sex, it does vary from person to person. If you really like him more than your ex, the sex might be a lot better, even if the guy is less experienced. I think you should just let him know the truth, and hopefully, he'll feel better about the whole thing. I ended up being a good lover, even if I had never been intimate with anybody before my boyfriend.

[MacGuffin]

If you boil the whole thing down, it looks like this: fear of your partner being more experienced than you are usually translates into "if I am not as experienced with sex as she is then maybe she won't like having sex with me because I am not as good as her ex."

This is actually a really common fear people have, no matter what gender someone is. It's an inadequacy thing; they really want to be able to please you and they are afraid they can't. Which I actually find interesting, because to some degree everyone is inexperienced when it comes to having a new partner. You still have to find out their likes and dislikes. Might you be able to do that more quickly and have more ways to figure it out? Sure. But you are still learning. It never stops, even once you have a partner.

What's done in the past is done, and it does no good to berate yourself for being "stupid" or "foolish." We've all made unwise or foolish decisions at times, but the more you beat yourself up about it the less likely you are to move on from it. I would imagine what you are experiencing is refreshed guilt over the situation by what you perceive may have pushed your boyfriend away. However, giving in to that guilt isn't going to help your self image. If you really want to do something different, do it differently in the future, and the more you show yourself you can do things differently (which you already are in some ways), the better you feel about yourself.

The best thing to do here is to talk to your boyfriend. Do not let this slide, because it has a high possibility of festering between you two. Things like this often do. Speak candidly with him. Let him know how you feel about yourself, the situation you were in then, and the one you are in now. And relay to him that you fear he may think lowly of you for a decision you made some time ago, but it doesn't mean you care for him less and it certainly doesn't mean that (I would ask him if he feels this way first before throwing it out there, because that may not be why he is perturbed with your sexual history) you will find sex with him less enjoyable because he is less experienced.

In short, communication about this is probably the best way to go. Just be open and honesty, and I am sure you will do fine.

[Jaguar]

You're both very inexperienced since you've both only had one partner and it was for a short time. The differences in your experience is very small, and sitll, there's no rule that says the guy has to have more experience than the girl. Since the small difference in experience between you doesn't bother him, it certainly shouldn't bother you. It's only in your head and I suggest you enjoy your sexual relationship with your second boyfriend and he enjoy his second girlfriend and don't worry about something like that.

[SamMarie]

I understand what you guys are saying, but I just found out something that I didn't realize. He just told me he was a virgin so therefore I am actually more experienced than him. He wanted to tell me, but because he was scared of what I thought he lied to me. We both accepted the fact of the truth. He realizes I lost it with the person I think was the wrong person to lose it to and all in all we're happy now and it isn't bugging us anymore haha. Thank you for your responses!