Guilty about being a nonvirgin?

[SamMarie]

I lost my virginity to a guy who was also a virgin and my first love at the time. We dated for not even a year which is the sad thing. I lost it within 2 months with him. Of course beforehand we did foreplay and all. I lost it at the age of 15. There were times I didn't even want to have sex with my first love, but it ended up every time we saw each other we would have sex about 2-3 times the days we did see each other which wasn't very frequent at all. We'd only see each other twice a month. Why, isn't the issue. He broke it off the day before our 7 months. Having a pregnancy scare and too much change between us killed our relationship. Though, I'm glad we aren't together anymore.

Anyways, with my new boyfriend, almost a year later, he's a great guy to me. We haven't dated long, but he fit in the family just fine. At first, he lied about being a nonvirgin, but then told me the truth about him being a virgin which he felt guilty and apologized to me...Which was unfortunate news to both of us in our own ways. I really thought that it's great to know that I wasn't the only nonvirgin, but apparently I am. Every time we talk about sex, it gives him a stomachache because of the fact I actually do have more experience with sex in the sense of knowing what to expect and how it feels. He continues to bring up the fact that he feels terrible that he's almost 20 and is still a virgin, but I lost it at 15. Which he DOES try to accept it and he says he doesn't mind, but clearly it does. In a sense, he wishes I was a virgin. I honestly would have rather lost it to him. I don't really know how to make him truly accept this fact that I was younger and stupid. I thought I was in love at the time and he says he understands that.

Anyways, I feel completely guilty about it. The guy I lost it to was a douchebag and only did want me for sex. Like most young people, we want to believe completely on how we feel based on what we want. Unfortunately, I was one of those girls. Honest to god, I would rather have lost it to my current boyfriend. Not right now, but later in our relationship if our interests still continue through time. It makes me sad that he struggles talking about sex when clearly I want to have a serious relationship so sex is going to be a factor. Sad thing is, he isn't as sexually active as I am because I've had sex in the past and I do want to have that level of intimacy again sometime in the future. I just want to be a virgin again and not deal with the fact that I lost it to the wrong person. It really makes me upset that I can't even change it. I really don't want to cause a fight over this, but I'm really on the edge about this. He has fooled around with girls in the past, but never sex. I really just don't know what to fucking do.. ugh.

I just feel like if we ever had the opportunity to have sex in the future, he would avoid it just like he's avoiding the conversation of about sex. We've talked about masturbation and it's a turn on to both of us which is fine. Great, but what happens when the time comes and we're ready for the moment to have sex? Is he just going to bail out right on the spot? Or worse, what if the opportunity never comes up? I just don't understand why he believes my more "experienced" time is such a downside. It makes me feel bad because I know it was my fault to lose it young and with an idiot, but it's not an excuse to just put the conversation aside. God, it just kills me. I feel dirty now and unwanted in a sense as well. Talking about sex is a turn on to me too. I don't know how to flat out say it without sounding like a sex addict and making him uncomfortable. I don't know if it's because I haven't had sex in over a year...What to do...

[buttercup13]

Hmmm.. since he's never done it and you have he's probably afraid you won't enjoy it with due to his lack of experience. You were young you made a mistake, we all do. That's no reason to feel dirty, or unwanted he's probably just feeling insecure just talk to him about it let him kno how if it does happen how this will be so much better because its real love. If he really does love you he'll accept you and all the mistakes you've made. And anyways after the first time i doubt he'll care about if your a virgin or not lol
anyways virginity is overrated if you ask me. Love is so much more important. Good luck!

[Jaguar]

Sam, there's absolutely nothing dirty about you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of girls who become sexually active in their teens, 15 1/2 is the modal age to lose their virginity so you're right in the middle of the bell-shaped curve. You're normal, and there's nothing to be ashamed of having had a normal sexual experience for your age.

A couple of things trouble me about him. If he chooses to remain a virgin, that's ok if it works for him and there's nothing wrong with that. But he's almost 20 and it seems to me that since he gets a stomach ache talking about the prospect of having sex, that there's something else going on here. It could be that he has a fear of having sex that has nothing to do with losing his virginity, or he could come from a background where sex is treated as a sin and he's been trained all his life to abhor it and is having trouble with that. I think you should let him know that if he wants to have his first sexual experience that you're willing but considering you dirty in any way isn't acceptable, and if he thinks you are that it's a problem of his that he's going to eventually have to deal with anyway. If he's unable to face this, he's not the guy you want to seriously consider having a future with.

Most of all, there's nothing for you to feel guilty about.

[MacGuffin]

You do not need to feel ashamed or guilty or wrong or bad because you aren't a virgin anymore. All of us make decisions that feel right at the time we make them, but it's unfair to blame ourselves for the fact that later on it may turn out to be something we didn't want. You just did what you thought was best for you; you can't blame yourself for not knowing how it would turn out, and you can't blame yourself for the fact you cannot take it back again. You weren't "stupid" in any way, and you didn't lose it to the "wrong" person. Perhaps not the person you thought he was, but that doesn't make it the wrong person.

It's concerning that the fact your new boyfriend cannot accept that you are a virgin (which is HIS problem, not yours) leaves you feeling like you need to beat yourself up over the fact you aren't. That you wish you could do it to make him happy, or because you think you would feel happier losing it to him than how you did lose it. That's more hurtful than it is helpful in any way. And honestly, if he cannot accept a basic fact about you right now, way before you are even having sex, then that's a pretty big problem. He really shouldn't have to "try" to accept this about you; he either does or he doesn't. If he finds he doesn't, he either figures out what it is about himself that keeps him from doing that and either fixes it or leaves the relationship, depending on what the problem is, how serious it is, and how he feels about changing it. There is no reason for keeping you in limbo because he can't figure himself out well enough to communicate with you that, at the very least, he is still working things out for himself.

If you are seeking a relationship with an eventual sexual component and he isn't even wanting to talk about sex, it might be wise to proceed with caution. You need to be able to express yourself without fear of what he might think or do or how you might sound to him. And if you don't feel safe enough to do that, then perhaps this isn't a relationship in which you should seek a more serious commitment.

[dreamer1234]

Being a non-virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. I lost my to someone I wasn't even dating at the time, i thought were eventually going to date so i gave it up thinking if i do we would date, boy was i wrong. I was in so deep that he took me a party and my friends came and got me because i wanted to leave cuz he was being a jerk. After that i promised my friends it was over since i was 18 and he was still 16 which could be considered illegal, but it wasn't. I thought since i gave him something special he woould care, but like your situation he only used me for sex.
But I learned a lot from it and i never wish i was a virgin because I became the person i am today because of that incident. If he really loves you he shouldn't care if you are a virgin or not. Plus expierence is not always a bad thing

[Aletheia*]

Being a nonvirgin is nothing to be ashamed of. I lost my virginity to a guy who I thought was the perfect guy for me. I have no regrets and I didn't feel it was a mistake, but we weren't dating at the time. He had dumped me a few weeks before because he thought he was moving away, and it turned out he wasn't. We ended up dating, but sometimes I feel like I should have waited, waited for the guy who is now my current boyfriend. However, I can't change the past and neither can you. You can't become a virgin again suddenly, so this is something you're just going to have to live with.

You might not be with this guy forever, so are you going to feel the same way if the next guy you date is a virgin as well? You shouldn't. You made a choice, and while it might not be something you want now, it's something you wanted then, regardless of being used for sex or not. You can't change what you did. You can only make the best out of the situation. If this is truly concerning you, or you think it might be bothering your boyfriend more than he's letting you know, then you need to communicate with him.