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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 12:58 AM

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 10 months now (we broke up for a few weeks over something unrelated about a month ago) and now we're stronger than ever. Everything is perfect, except for one problem:

Porn.

I knew he always did watch it but I was OK because I thought it was normal and occasional but recently I raised the issue after accidently stubling across his web history and realising that he watches it pretty much every night. Hardcore porn.

We used to have a pretty lame sex life before the make-up and I could understand it as he had no nude pics or vids of me. But I raised the issue delicately (without mentioning the internet history I'd seen) and asked from a viewpoint of trying to understand it, not accusatory; just intrigued. He got very agitated and felt like I was blaming and accusing him even though I wasn't, so I discontinued the conversation. I don't even expect him to stop I just don't understand why pretty much every night he pleases himself to other women after I go to bed when he has plenty of vids, pics and webcam opportunities with me. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and I aim to please! Everything is about him and... I tell him that! I do everything he asks and more. I just don't get it or what I should do. I know he loves me very, very much and he says constantly how sexy I am but I honest to God don't understand it. I feel like he's cheating and I could never do the same to him. I know we perceive porn differently- men and women have different ideas. But it's massively decimated my self confidence and I don't know how to go about this.

I have massive self confidence issues but I still don't believe that in an intimate, serious relationship that a man (or a woman for that matter) should be receiving constant sexual stimulus from other people. I've expressed this to him but he just gets freaked out. Whaaaat should I dooo? And can anyone help me understand? Much appreciated!
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 01:37 AM

I had this same problem with my ex when we were together. So we compromised that cuz it upset me so much that he was getting off it other women that I'd either send him pics of me or I'd call him and w would get off together. That worked very nicely. He was kinda irritated at first when I asked him about porn but once I expressed how it was making me feel terrible and sad and like he was cheating on me he willingly complied. I think communication is key. If he won't communicate then he's not worth being with I think. I hope this helps. If you ever need anything feel free to PM me.
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 01:48 AM

I know my boyfriend watches porn regularly, and sometimes we watch it together. It really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he's aroused by you etc. It's just a release. For example, my boy watches it and masturbates if he can't sleep and I am already asleep or not home.

In my experience with my current boyfriend and others, porn is just about getting off. They don't invest any emotions in it.


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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 02:16 AM

I'm 21 years old, and I've been masturbating since I was around 10. It's became a habit, and it's also my way with dealing with stress. Maybe it's not the same for your boyfriend, but I enjoy masturbation. I have a girlfriend, and that'd be selfish of me to expect my girlfriend to satisfy me at any point during the day. The last time I had sex with her, in fact, she later told me that she felt "forced" into it; this was coming from a woman who claimed to have a high sex drive! If you expect to satisfy your man every time he's horny, then you may have sex without being in the mood...and that's not healthy at all. To suffice with his emotions, he watches porn. So what? Does he watch the same video over and over? Does he have blown up posters in his room or house that shows a female porn star half nude with a penis in her mouth? Probably not. Porn is just entertainment...just like watching a movie is just entertainment. It's just a different type of entertainment. If it's really such a big deal, join him. There's nothing hotter than having a woman masturbate next to you while watching my favorite porn videos. It's foreplay...and many couples do participate in watching porn together. It also helps you understand what kind of stuff he likes...he should watch more of it, because that'll give you an idea of what REALLY turns him on. Don't sweat it.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 03:25 AM

I definitely am going to have to agree with Brandon on this one.

We can't be around 24/7 to be at our significant other's beckon call. If we were, would that be a relationship? No. You'd be only a booty call when he's horny, and as Brandon said, it would likely end up being that you'd have sex when YOU weren't in the mood either (even with a high sex drive, it does happen). Healthy? Absolutely not. Nobody should feel "forced" to pleasure their partner whenever they want to have sex. When I'm not in the mood, my boyfriend does what he can to turn me on, so to speak. Sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn't. Does he end up being pleasured later? Absolutely...when I am in the mood too.

With porn, it's not like he's doing this to cheat on you. What do we masturbate for? Pleasure. What is porn? A visual stimulant. Let's face it: there are FAR worse ways of him finding pleasure, and I hardly see porn as being a big deal. It might be hurtful, but I watch porn and ENJOY watching porn and masturbating to it. Does that mean I think less of my boyfriend in the bedroom department? HELL NO. When we can't be together every second of every day (which never happens since we have conflicting work schedules, and I only get days off during the week for the most part), I need a way of easing the sexual tension. I turn to porn and masturbation in order to do this.

Honestly, hon, watching porn isn't the biggest problem in the world. If it were interferring with his life, such as he did it every second of every day, it would be something to be concerned about. He isn't doing it to hurt you, or to upset you. He's doing it simply for pleasurable purposes. Even after I've had sex with my boyfriend, and left to come home or he left to go home...we BOTH still watch porn to fill the void of not being able to be together.

Talk to him about it, and get his side of the story. You might not have come off as accusatory, however, sometimes our words can come out wrong.











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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 03:36 AM

Tash, as you've accurately realized, your self confidence issues here might be interfering with your ability to understand and appreciate..and therefore respond!..best to your b/f. It's about male sexuality, not you. Keep repeating that to yourself and you'll be fine. Also, don't go snooping for trouble.

It's hard to describe what it's like to live with a body of testosterone (esp. during teens/20's!), but the issue here is his need for release, not your ability to satisfy him..either physically or emotionally. As long as your relationship is solid in other regards, it might be best to give him a pass on this one and work on your part of this, those self confidence issues..which aren't at all related porn and masturbation.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 03:44 AM

I agree with Shannon & Brandon on this. I really don't think it's that big of a deal. I can understand why you would feel that way, but you either need to compromise or let him continue. I actually don't even consider porn cheating. It happens & I don't think it's a big problem unless it's an addiction or something.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 04:38 AM

I agree with everybody else. To me, I think there is a fine line between a positive amount of porn watching and a negative. Everyday? I don't see a problem with that. It also depends on content. What do you mean by hardcore? Rough sex, I think that's healthy, but is it getting into legal stuff with underage girls/chidren/ext? i'm not accusing your boyfriend of weird stuff, I'm trying to show you an example that porn CAN reach a point that it's okay if you're uncomfortable. But at this point, I don't think he's overdoing it.

If you are uncomfortable, I understand that he may have gotten mad the first time, but you need to bring it up with him and TALK ABOUT IT. Ask him what it does for him. Masturbation could be very therapeutic for him. I love masturbating, personally, and if my boyfriend told me I couldn't...it'd be very weird. I don't watch porn, but it's related. It's his own body, and he does have his right. He's NOT mentally cheating on you. If he was, he'd be with somebody else. I would recommend you just try to learn and accept it.


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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 07:12 AM

Awww thanks for the replies guys! These have really boosted my confidence. I have read before that it's merely a visual stimulus and that guys just use it for momentary release, but I've also read contradicting views from guys who are happy to just watch their girlfriends videos. It's not him watching porn as such, a bit here and then, when I'm away, stress relief etc is fine. I just that every night, after I've gone to bed? Why doesn't he watch my videos more often?

This week we while we're apart we made a mutual agreement not to masturbate so the weekend is much more anticipated and better, but after my boyfriend said he was going to bed because he was tired he went to watch porn instead, even though I was kind of in the mood for more anyway. I confronted him about it (gently... again) and he said that he didn't even know why, and that he wasn't planning to masturbate, he just finds it a form of entertainment, which I do actually believe. But the lying to me deeply hurt me, and the fact that I found out that he doesn't consider regular sexual stimulation from an outside person as 'totally acceptable' and a form of mental cheating but he still does it. Woaaah. But honestly thank you guys, I keep telling myself it's nothing personal but, I just know that not all guys do it. I reserve my lust for him, I don't understand why he wouldn't do the same.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 07:36 AM

You have to understand that a female with a high sex drive is basically your everyday man, if not less. Sexual tension can do horrible things to men when allowed to build up. If I don't masturbate for a while I get depressed, have panic attacks more frequently, and basically just a wide range of emotions. Men are going to think of sex with other women, it's inevitable. Watching porn allows us to live that fantasy without actually cheating. My situation is kind of different, because my girlfriend is a virgin, and is nowhere ready for sex. She completely understands that I have to relieve myself every now and then. In fact she's glad I do because I'm not as grabby haha.

If you try to stop him then he will just do it behind your back. He's probably defensive about it, because it is kind of embarrassing to be called out on.


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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 03:44 PM

See, porn doesn't bother me at all. I mean, wouldn't you rather him be watching that, then going out and meeting someone & cheating on you? As a girlfriend, you can't be around him all the time and satisfy him. If he's feeling the need to get off, he goes to porn & has that release. He's never going to pick porn over you. If you were there, he wouldn't be watching the porn. I know you have self confidence issues, but you don't need to. You have a great guy, you're happy, he's not cheating on you, just enjoy him & be happy <3




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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 06:09 PM

I've stated before, I'm not trying to stop it, I don't expect to stop it and I don't obviously want him going behind my back. What gets me is the lying, and the agitation. I mean, maybe he is embarrassed but it's an important issue that I want to talk about because it if affecting me, there are two people in the relationship...

I just don't understand why every single night it's other women... We managed to talk about it today and he said he'd stop watching it for good and I told him that's not what I wanted (I'm not really sure if I believe him). Just as long as it doesn't effect our sex life, he's not lying to me or taking time out of our relationship to do it, he's not thinking of other porn stars when he has sex with me and he still is very sexually attracted to me- I feel those are adequate conditions. I know a lot of girls try to stop it completely and won't bother reasoning or trying to understand but I'm not like that, and the last thing I want to do is drive the habit underground or alienate him. I was just frustrated at the lack of communication and the fact that I don't understand why he can't save his lust for me like I do for him. Some people believe that men who watch porn really are unfulfilled and have much higher expectations of women and sex, and when they aren't fulfilled the porn user (even if pretty sexually healthy) can begin to favour porn to their girlfriend.

It's happened a lot and it destroys long term partnerships, I'm merely trying to prevent this because I love him and I want it to work, but I don't want to have my self confidence and sex life decimated.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 06:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by paranoidandroid View Post
I know we perceive porn differently- men and women have different ideas.
I'd like to point out that neither this, nor the title of this thread, "Men and porn", have anything to do with the issue at hand. Generalizing the sexes is utterly pointless, and causes more problems than it solves. Some men enjoy porn, and some don't. The same goes for women. Hell, it seems that now my girlfriend watches it more than I do. A non-issue. Moving along..

Quote:
Originally Posted by paranoidandroid View Post
Just as long as it doesn't effect our sex life, he's not lying to me or taking time out of our relationship to do it, he's not thinking of other porn stars when he has sex with me and he still is very sexually attracted to me- I feel those are adequate conditions.
Yes, they are adequate conditions, absolutely. Does he indicate any reason for you to believe that any of these conditions are violated while he's able to watch porn? Is he less attracted to you, and is sex with him less satisfying (for either you or him)? I don't see anything in the post leading me to believe that the answer to either of those questions is "Yes".

Quote:
Originally Posted by paranoidandroid View Post
Some people believe that men who watch porn really are unfulfilled and have much higher expectations of women and sex, and when they aren't fulfilled the porn user (even if pretty sexually healthy) can begin to favour porn to their girlfriend.
The key to this issue, here, is in bold. Those people who believe that men who watch porn really are unfulfilled? Insecure partners who refuse to believe that their partners' viewing porn has nothing to do with their actual sex lives. Regardless, what some people believe has nothing to do with what your man actually thinks about porn, or about his sex life. Nothing whatsoever. Like I said earlier, generalizations are not your friends here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by paranoidandroid View Post
It's happened a lot and it destroys long term partnerships, I'm merely trying to prevent this because I love him and I want it to work, but I don't want to have my self confidence and sex life decimated.
You're displacing the blame, here. One person's viewing porn is not responsible for the collapse of his/her relationship with his/her partner. The partner's reaction to the porn can be what collapses the relationship. The moment you realize that porn is no reflection on your sex life is the moment in which this problem will disappear. The two entities are fundamentally independent of each other, and with that realization will come the peace of mind you crave. You've got no reason to feel as though your self confidence is decimated. If anything, be happy - I'd say that based on how frequently he seems to be watching porn, he's got a pretty active libido. If you turned him off in any way, he'd be requesting less sex from you, and simultaneously he'd likely be watching less porn. You've got no reason to fret.

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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 06:38 PM

You need to understand something very crucial to your self-confidence.

The amount of self-confidence you have is not determined by other people.

Your boyfriend will most likely still watch porn; it is something that you have to learn to accept, but don't make someone else's actions a determination on whether you're self-confidence is high or low. Keyword here is SELF. You don't need any REASON to believe; you just simply believe. I have high self-confidence...I could name a million and one reasons what's wrong with me, but at the end of the day...I'm fucking sexy. I'd fuck the shit out of myself, and I don't need any damn woman in my life to tell me that I don't look good. If she don't wanna have sex with me, that's her damn loss because this stud muffin is a sex GOD. As far as the sex life is concerned, join him during pornography. If you do that, I guarantee things will get better between you and him.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 06:39 PM

You have to realize the taboos placed on sex and sexuality, porn isn't something most men feel at ease to discuss. In addition to that it's seems like in modern society we make sex out to be something that's a chore for the woman, and something she is happy to withold to get her way. In other words, it can be viewed as annoying or harassing her to ask.

Also worth noting, you claim that you feel porn gives a high expectation of sex, but no more so than cheesy highschool drama movies give you an unrealisitic expectation of highschool, and no more than Call of Duty gives you an unrealistic expectation of war. It's entertainment, we can identify how other forms of media are fake, why is porn any different? I love how people just assume that everyone thinks porn is real, despite the fact that they identify fact and fiction everywhere else.

You have to realize that it's safe to say most men watch porn. Like I think I'd be safe to say that 99% of men over 18 watch it once a week. It doesn't make every relationship on the planet wither away, and it likely won't hurt yours either.

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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 1st 2012, 07:22 PM

Firstly, one a week would not bother me, at all really. And as for the title, I apologise I was very frustrated and not really concentrating when I first posted this.

I know it's my insecurities which may make it a bigger problem than it may in reality be, but I can't automatically change the way I am. It's a long term problem that I am working hard on, but I can't help the fact that these things do have an effect on me at the moment. I'm not going to apologise for how I feel, I will however try and understand and compromise and learn from the situation, that's why I am here. I want to make this work, I want to understand things better and communicate better about it is all.

JKmadu619 thank you for your reply, it was very helpful but it's worth noting I said that someeee people believe it gives an skewed sense of ideals when it comes to sex, I do not necessarily believe it myself, I guess I just wanted peoples' views.

We're generally very open, upfront and honest about everything in our relationship and as I said before, the way I am trying to put this issue across to my boyfriend is in a very sensitive, understanding manner. He's stated that I've been very delicate about the topic and seems to agree. He knows when I am in the mood, when I am not, ways to turn me on etc, if I don't feel like it (although it's very rare), I will say no. In which case I fully expect him to watch porn to satisfy himself.

QuantumModulus, thank you for your reply. I just wanted to say though that I didn't feel that those people were speaking for all men at all, they just state that it can happen. The only reason I'm even reading those posts in the first place is because I'm trying to work out how to go about communicating my feelings on a very important issue, whilst remaining sensitive.
No, I never indicated that these conditions were broken, I just merely wanted to establish the boundaries of what I thought were acceptable so I could move forward on solid foundations with clear understanding.

Bradon, your reply was very helpful and made me feel so much better I am gradually learning to love myself, it's just hard in the face of such adversities.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 4th 2012, 02:11 PM

Your feelings are understandable. From your boyfriend's reactions and his lying, you naturally might question his use of porn.
From my limited experience, there is porn and then there is porn, that is, there is a great variety of subject matter. Some can be extreme, some can be bizarre, some can be natural, some can be low-keyed, and so on. Knowing what kind your boyfriend looks at might be helpful. Is he watching couples have intercourse? Or is he just watching blowjobs? Or is he watching handjobs? Or is he watching women get tied up? Or is he watching women pooping (yes, that's out there)? Or is he watching women dominating men? Or . . . ?
Porn offers "perfect" sex, in that the subject is exactly what the viewer wants to see/experience at that time without any "problems" of having to arouse a partner in a loving environment. It goes to the sexual core of getting off. A steady heavy diet of porn could lead the viewer to a kind of cut-and-dried approach to sex, lacking in foreplay and expression of love. Porn is hard to compete with as a partner if the viewer gains the outlook that real sex has to be presented at the "perfect" porn level.
I agree that your boyfriend's reactions to your questions is troubling. His lack of oppenness can lead to further questions. You need to be able to have wide-ranging discussions about his use of porn.
   
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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 4th 2012, 04:31 PM

Here's just my view on porn.

Personally, I don't care for it. Hell, I don't masturbate. I see my boyfriend once a week, and he's the one giving me my orgasms. The reason I don't like masturbation is I have tried in the past, and the orgasms I get from masturbation are nothing compared to what I get from my boyfriend, so I wait.

Now, as for the porn...I don't watch it, and my boyfriend doesn't either. If he did, I don't think I'd have too big a problem with it. I think some people need to realize porn is not cheating at all, it's a way of entertainment and release. If he needed some porn to help him masturbate, okay. I don't care. However, instead of using porn as a visual stimulant, he actually prefers nude pictures of me because he's attracted to me, not the random girls in porn. As for me, I don't like porn because...well, I just don't care for it, I don't really have a reason. I don't masturbate, and the only penis I'm interested in seeing is my boyfriend's. That's all there is to it.


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Re: Men and porn, urgh - March 4th 2012, 08:18 PM

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Originally Posted by aloharocker View Post
I know my boyfriend watches porn regularly, and sometimes we watch it together. It really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he's aroused by you etc. It's just a release. For example, my boy watches it and masturbates if he can't sleep and I am already asleep or not home.

In my experience with my current boyfriend and others, porn is just about getting off. They don't invest any emotions in it.
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