Triggering: Really regretting my 'first time'

[Tazzy]

So I suppose I just really need to get this off my chest.

I've always wanted to lose my virginity to someone I really truly loved, who I intended on spending my life with. Well this far from happened. I had a complicated relationship. Full of many many regrets. The first one was leaving my boyfriend for this guy (who treated me far better than I deserved, and we are together again). I left my boyfriend for him because he said he would kill himself if I left him... I never was aware we were together but I didn't set him straight because, I believed he would off himself. I was so unhappy being 'with him' but I told myself it would get better. I spent many many sleepless nights trying to help him get better. To make myself feel better, I convinced myself I loved him, I now know I didn't. He was really controlling; I wasn't allowed male friends, therefor, pretty much no friends, drink alcohol even with family, go to parties, or even my own graduation, which I did end up going to but we had a huge argument. Despite all that I convinced myself so much that I loved him that lost my virginity to him. He was 19. I wish I had someone to talk to about everything back then, because then maybe I could of seen the truth behind it all.

There was no foreplay and I remember thinking during it that I just wanted it to end. Luckily it did only last for a few minutes. We did it twice and both times I hated it. It didn't even feel like sex... Sometimes I get the images in my head and I feel like I'm going to throw up, or I get really angry or cry. What makes it worse is there is a guy in my class who is just like him, everything he says the way he looks dresses, facial expression. Is him. And even though it's not him, every time he talks or I see him, I get sick or angry, or the images...

I ended it a month later, because he got even more controlling and cruel. And in the end I realised he was never going to kill himself, he just used that as an excuse to make me stay with him. After I ended it, he harassed me for a while, calling me every insult you can think of. Using everything he knew I was self-conscious about, and throwing it in my face. Telling me to kill myself. Over and over. Maybe I would have, if my current boyfriend didn't come back in my life. He called me christmas day after months and months of us not talking, and in that one phone call I was happier than I had ever been with my 'ex'.

[SimpleSimon]

Hi Tazzy, I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you had with that guy. The most valuable advice I can offer you from a personal stand point is that 1) You have found a great place to talk to people who want to help you, 2) You're no longer stuck with a controlling (by the sound of it "idiot"), and 3) You're happily back with the guy you really want to be with.

You're intentions we're only that of care and kindness towards "idiot" guy, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over the fact that he tricked you into a pseudo-relationship. We all make mistakes and we have to live with the consequences.. But mistakes also help us avoid future regret and look at the good things that come into our lives.

Stay positive and enjoy every second you can with your current boyfriend.. And please remember, we're not all like "idiot" guy!

[Koharuchan]

I'm so sorry this happened, and I agree completely with Simon. A lot of people regret their first time, I know I do. I was actually in a slightly similar situation. The boy I lost my virginity to was nice, but after we had sex he became extremely controlling and he didn't treat me right, and I let it go on for far too long. What's important is that you remember that the past is the past, and we can't change it. Move on from the bad things that happened to you, and focus on the good in your life.