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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I_like_cheese Offline
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Unhappy I feel violated - March 22nd 2012, 10:33 PM

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months now, and sex is a normal thing for us. He is my third sexual partner, but I am his tenth. Needless to say he is experienced and his previous sexual relationships were very exotic. We had been discussing anal sex for some time but never attempted it as I was uncomfortable with the idea, but a few days ago we went to a drinking party at a friends house and things got out of hand. It never pays to be drunk and horny but we agreed to leave if we needed some alone time.
The party starts winding down and we decided to spend the night with two of our other friends (both male not a couple). We were all drunk and passing out on the floor when my boyfriend starts to get a little handsy. He starts fingering me and pokes one up there. Im drunk, it doesn't hurt, and hes asking me 'are you okay are you okay' and I said yes. Next thing I know its not his finger anymore and it really hurts so I tell him no, get off me and start freaking out. Did that really just happen? Infront of our friends who I pray are passed out drunk and didn't notice anything? I trusted my boyfriend to respect my limits and he didn't, but does being drunk and my saying yes make that okay?
I started crying and told him to stay away from me but he doesn't understand because he kept asking me if i was okay and i kept saying yes. Finally I agree to talk to him in the morning and get him to go lay down then he passes out drunk. I had to drink more to calm myself into sleeping.
Next morning we sit down and talk. I cant even let him touch me, hug me or hold me when Im crying. I feel so violated by him but im not angry with him, Im angry at myself. I should have said no, and left the party when I could. I dont want to loose my boyfriend because he is my best friend and I have never met anyone who understands me as well as he does. And he didn't force me into anything, I said yes. But I can't ignore my feelings. Did I let this happen because I don't respect myself enough? My confidence is shattered and the one person I would turn towards to talk about this with is him. I also feel bad because I feel like I need to comfort him, not the other way around. We both have a history of self harm and I'm terrified that he is going to take his anger with himself out on himself. However that is not holding me to the relationship. I don't know if i should stay with him and work on things together or leave him. I dont know if I can trust him again and I dont know if im over reacting or if im justified or what.
help? thoughts on what actions i should take?
I really need some advice on this situation.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 22nd 2012, 11:21 PM

I would just like to say before I tell you my opinion, I am only a 16 year old girl with very little experience in this area but this is my opinion:
It does sound a bit like rape, and you are completely right to feel this way. As soon as you start to become uncomfortable he should respect you and realise you need to stop, drunk or not he had no right to carry on. You should talk to someone face to ace with more experience in this area, i knOw you would normally talk to him so find someone new, there are people you can call or drop in sessions.
I hope this helps and I am always free to talk xxxx
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 08:50 AM

I would not consider this rape because as soon as you said no he stopped right? If he did not stop then it is rape. My thought process is you said yes and he thought it was the right time so he thought you were ok with it. If i were him I would be so confused because you said yes then no and now he cant even comfort you.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 10:19 AM

I'd consider this rape. You were drunk and confused and he should have had enough BALLS to consider YOUR feelings..
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 10:41 AM

I would not consider this rape. You were both drunk and horny. This always makes for mistaken judgement calls and we can't forget that beer/liquor is liquid courage
I wouldn't recommend breaking up with him over this. It's something so small that can easily be talked over. By him asking if you were okay it might have been a roundabout way of him asking permission to do what he did. In the heat of the moment mistakes like that can happen. It would be ideal for you to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him the next time you guys start fooling around it would be better for him to straight up ask before doing anything wild and crazy.
I know you said you had talked to him about anal and maybe he was too scared to do it sober. Maybe he thought this was his chance to try something new with you and didn't think it was the wrong time. Mistakes happen. Just talk it over with him and tell him how you feel about it all.

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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 03:01 PM

This is not rape, you were both drunk and horny. In his mind you said it was okay and as Amber said alcohol is always bound to make peoples judement dodgy. When you said no he stopped. That is a good sign, I'm sure he didn't mean in anyway to make you feel violated. I think this is a bit of an over reaction honestly. It's not wrong that you feel violated, but I think it would be foolish to break up over this. Mistakes happen when people are drunk and if this sort of thing makes you just want to break up instead of work it out, you don't have a very strong relationship to begin with. That being said it's your call but I think you need to woman up and talk it out. Good Luck hope everything goes well.

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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 09:32 PM

No I agree it wasnt rape but im still pretty upset by it and i think i am overreacting. I talked to my boyfriend and were trying to work things through. Hes pretty upset with himself and I need to be there for him too. I just dont think I can be intimate with him for some time..
Thank you all for the advice
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 11:46 PM

It's okay to be upset with him. This is definitely a hard and confusing time. You two just need to be there for each other and you will work it out! Take your time getting intimate again and I'm sure everything will be fine in the end.

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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 23rd 2012, 11:50 PM

People are talking about rape, and i'm not hearing that's the issue. Rape is synonymous with violation, but not vice versa: One can feel violated without being raped. There's no doubt JJ feels violated, the emotional experience doesn't change regardless of what it's called.

The issue here, JJ, is really an alcohol problem. As you painfully see, alcohol disinhibits to the point where judgment is impaired and things are said and done that are more indicative of a loss of both good judgment and self control rather than actual desire. Your agreeing to this under the influence doesn't really count, in much the same way as him proceeding in front of a group of friends doesn't count. It's not typical behavior for either of you, it's more reflective of that loss of control under the influence. Therefore, the real issue here isn't sexual or even relationship...it's booze.

Now that the genie is out of that particular bottle, the task is to be able to cork it so this doesn't happen again. And maybe the easiest way to do that is to really take a look at your drinking..and his..and maybe agree that it's time to stop.

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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 24th 2012, 12:46 AM

When this is called on a technicality, it is rape.
When you are drunk you are not in the right frame of mind and can not LEGALLY consent to ANY sexual act. But, with him being drunk as well, he wasn't 100% with his thought processing.
I think you need to spend a week or two on your own, not broken up or anything like that, just apart from eachother. Just until you can sort yourself out and figure out whether this relationship is right for you.
Other then that the other other thing I can think of is to take Dr.Bobby's advice and stop drinking. it really would be the best thing for you to do to avoid this happening again.

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  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 24th 2012, 12:59 AM

xxspottoxx: Then since he was drunk as well, was he raped? Female on male rape can happen, so I'm not sure if you're right here, or just pinning the blame on the guy because rape was brought up.

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  (#12 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 24th 2012, 01:56 AM

There is no legal consent when someone is under the influence. It doesn't matter if they have been having sex for years; if they say yes under the influence, it can't be taken as solid consent. Unfortunately, this happens so often it's really hard to enforce.

It sounds like it was a really big misunderstanding and miscommunication. You were saying yes up to a point. Your boyfriend probably feels confused because you were saying yes. He probably was not trying to hurt you. But his mistake was not asking if it was okay to go further than what he was doing. Adding alcohol to this mix clouded both of you guys' judgement. Frankly, it never should have happened, but it did, it was wrong, and people got hurt.

Here's the thing: it really doesn't matter what other people tell you about what happened. People will debate the word "rape" all day long, but that doesn't help you at all. The key isn't to seek validation from others, although that really makes things feel better. The key is to ask yourself how you feel about things. You feel violated. You feel confused, and you feel a boundary was broken. That is never okay, however accidental or unintentional it may be.

NO ONE has the right to tell you you should not feel a certain way about this experience. And do not beat yourself up for not saying no. You were drunk. You weren't even aware of how it felt because you had so much alcohol in your system. If you feel violated, then know it's okay to feel that way.

You are always justified when it comes to something like this.

How your boyfriend handles this situation is not your problem. The goal right now isn't to make him feel better, especially at your own expense. He is going to make his choice about how to cope, and while it might be very hard to watch, you can't help him. It's not your place.

Only you can answer whether you should leave or stay or take a break. We can't tell you what to do on that one. It's really about how you feel and how you feel about him. Listen to yourself, look at the situation, and ask yourself what is really best here.

I suggest talking this out with a close friend or therapist, if you have one. Preferably a neutral party. They know you best and are in closer proximity, so they may be able to continue to help you through this.

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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 24th 2012, 03:15 AM

I do agree, Dr.Bobby, that I have a drinking problem and I know that my coping by drinking more to put myself to sleep did not help the situation. I dont see this as a case of rape in either direction, and I have gone to a outside objective third party that knows my boyfriend and I very well. She said similar things that most of you have been saying, especially that I need to take time and think about this situation. When I asked him to stop, he stopped and thats what matters. We have sat down and talked through all of our emotions and we have agreed to try and work through this situation.
Thank you all for your advice <3

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  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I feel violated - March 24th 2012, 08:40 PM

You cannot give sexual consent while under the influence. This was technically rape. JKMadu, the thing is, if two people have sex both under the influence and nobody feels hurt the next day, there isn't a problem. It's kind of like drunk driving. It's illegal, it's not smart, but people do it sometimes without getting in a car accident and killing anybody. But it's not a smart idea because you COULD hurt somebody, as it is with sex without proper sober consent.

I wouldn't try to press charges, since any evidence, and you honestly still care about him (by your worries about his self harm). Rather, I would talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and try to get over this. If the relationship is not worth it, break up. But don't allow your feelings to get out of control.

If you think you have a drinking problem, get help as well. I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. PM me if you ever need to, okay? I'm here for you.

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