Non-PG13: Why do I feel so uncomfortable with what my boyfriend did?

dcuse

My boyfriend & I & our friends got together to get drunk & high. We have done this before & had a great time. My bf doesnt like alcohol, so I was drinking & high but he was just high. My bf & I have been dating for 2 years now, & have been having sex for a year. I feel totally comfortable while being sexually active & we both love each other very much. Whats really throwing me off though-when my bf & I know we will be in a situation that involves drugs & alcohol, we promised each other that we would keep each other at a good level & not let each other get out of hand. But this time, bf only tried to stop me when I was already very drunk. Of course I know its not his responsibility to limit my drinking & I should know when to stop, but he has never let me get out of hand before. This bothered me-why not stop me from getting really drunk this time? Another thing that happened(this is a little graphic, I apologize): when I woke up, I didnt remember anything other than what seemed to be me having sex with my bf & me being in extreme pain for some reason. Since he wasnt as out of it as I was he told me what happened- he said I wanted to have sex with him-that I was talking dirty to him & that I wanted to have anal sex. Dirty talk is something we normally do, but anal sex is not. He stuck it in my anus & as soon as he did I yelled in pain & started crying. He took it out immediately & apologized & made sure I was ok. I was extremely taken back by this. I didn't want to have sex since I was at my friend's house, even though when I was drunk I said otherwise. He said that we were both out of it & thats what happens & he doesnt understand why I feel so weird about it.
I just cant help feeling uncomfortable. I didnt try to stop him cuz I was drunk, but shouldnt he of known not to have sex w/ me, since anal is not something I usually want? Wouldnt that be a sign to him that I was clearly very drunk, & to not have sex with me? Why do I feel so uncomfortable w/ what he did? Even if he did, I seriously doubt he intended to rape me, as he and I both were under the influence. There's never been any evidence of sexual harassment tendencies- we have had a healthy sexual relationship for a year. I remember giving him consent while I was drunk, that's a key part I left out of the story above, and that's also why I don't understand why I am feeling this way. I have talked to him about it, and as I previously stated he said those kind of things happen when under the influence, to which I agree with. Am I just making a big deal over drunken sex? I just feel so confused.

Harmony♥

You're having a normal reaction. As you know, alcohol AND drugs can seriously alter our senses and make us want to do things we normally wouldn't. Do I think you're making a big deal out of it? Absolutely not. You have every right to feel this way, and being uncomfortable is a normal reaction. Is your boyfriend to blame? Not exactly. You both were under the influence, and he was just going with what you said. If this is bothering you, talk to him about it. Communication is very important, and it will help get things off your chest.

Dr.Bobby

There's so much here...and you're missing it.

I think the real issue here isn't a sexual one or one of consent or the actual activity. I don't think it's a relationship one, either. In short, I think you're missing the real issue: You and he are out of control with your substance use.

One of the ways we know that's so, one of the triggers for us who listen, is you and he agreeing to watch each other's intake. That means you cannot really judge or control your own intake. And, that's a symptom of dependence.

It's unfortunate that you had an unwanted sexual experience with him..thankfully it was in context of a relationship with someone you love and trust..so we can chalk it up to the booze and drugs. Learn to conrol those and your experiences of vulnerability and betrayal will disappear. But to do that, you have to appreciate the real issue here.

Age of Ignorance

I kind of like Dr.Bobby's spin on things, but I must say something direct at Bobby: kids are kids. We were all like that once. I have agreed with other people that we should watch how much each other drinks, and if we think a cut off is necessary, say so. We don't want to get too out of control, and everyone will always drink that one drink that tips them over the edge - after that drink, it's difficult to stop. You just drink for the sake of drinking, and syop drinking for the little buzz that is ridiculously hard to obtain and maintain.

Most people, at some point, will drink to get drunk and will smoke to get high. Just because they do it and don't want to get too out of control doesn't mean they're dependant on it. Sure, dependency is a big part of alcoholism or addiction, it isn't the be-all-and-end-all.

Otherwise, I completely agree with Bobby.

DanceCommander

I think it's a bit of everything.

I am sure you already know exactly how alcohol and drugs, ESPECIALLY when combined, can ruin your system, mess with your brain chemistry, and impair your judgment and normal cognitive functions. Alcohol is a depressant and (if you were smoking cannabis) cannabis has mixed effects- it can go either way. That's a really bad drug cocktail.

It sounds like you may have a substance abuse problem if you cannot effectively monitor your own substance intake. You're right, it's NOT your boyfriend's job to make sure you don't drink/use too much. And it's not really fair to get mad at him for "not stopping you." That's YOUR responsibility, and you're the one who made the poor decision on that one, not him.

As for the anal sex incident, while it's unfortunate, sex and drugs are not supposed to mix. Yes, in every movie they show people happily going home with someone they met in a bar or whatnot, but in reality it often turns out MUCH differently. Alcohol really impairs reasoning and cognitive functioning. You didn't really want anal sex, and you really shouldn't be having sex at all when you're drunk, but there was no way for either of you to be able to handle it. He crossed a boundary, because even though you said it was okay, because he was wasted and so were you, and it ended badly.

I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, but I will tell you this: if you're going to keep using like you are, and relying on others to control your intake, there is a great likelihood you will end up in more situations like this. Substance use takes defined boundaries and self control if one is going to indulge in it.

Yes, you're young, and "kids will be kids." But even young people have to learn adult lessons. And they may learn them the hard way.

I advise asking yourself if your level of substance use is really helping out your life the way it's going. If it is, then continue with it. But if it isn't, and this experience really showed you that, then maybe it's time to make some changes.

Coexist.

Sexual consent has to be a verbal yes. Sexual consent cannot be given under the infleunce. Sexual consent can be taken away at any time during coitus. So yes, this would technically count as a sexual assault. However, your boyfriend did not seem to have wanted to hurt you. Rather, I believe that both of you made some bad decisions and would like to improve from this. And, as some people have not-so-kindly pointed out, I too think both of you need to monitor, if not completely stop, drug use during intercourse. Both these drugs lower your inhibitions, along with lower your body's ability to orgasm, so honestly, you're not doing yourselves any good. If you're only able to have sex under the influence, you need to look at your sex life and really question your own reasoning behind your actions.

If you two do not stop your sex under the influence, I would at least recommend you lower it, and also, I would recommend establish consent at this point about what actions you're okay with. As a sober person, you need to let him know anal is never okay, no matter what you may say under the influence (which, as I already said, you cannot consent under the influence.) You need to let him know what is okay while you're sober, and you guys need to have some better communication about sex.

Dr.Bobby

Quote:

Originally Posted by Composure

I kind of like Dr.Bobby's spin on things, but I must say something direct at Bobby: kids are kids. We were all like that once. I have agreed with other people that we should watch how much each other drinks, and if we think a cut off is necessary, say so.

Otherwise, I completely agree with Bobby.

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response. And with this disclaimer about the difficulty in assessing someone else's behavior online, let me say that based on the whole story here, I think there's more risk in dismissing this as a one off, 'Kids will be kids' thing. It really is not typical for kids to get into trouble with drugs or alcohol..or under the influence...on a regular basis. If that happens, you have a real problem which should not be dismissed as 'Normal', b/c it's really not.

This is a self control problem, it's a judgment problem..and it's a drug problem, too.

Coexist.

Hey guys, please stay on topic about helping the OP. Failure to stay on topic and be polite will result in this thread being closed. Thanks.