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Pregnancy and Childcare If you're pregnant, a young parent, or have questions related to either, ask them here!

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abbiekadabbie Offline
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miscarriage advice? - October 22nd 2014, 05:48 AM

so I'm 19 years old and I had a miscarriage recently I told the father and he didn't believe me. He said that there was no way I could have been because he used a condom and that I must have been fucking around with some other dude.
in the past I've always said I never wanted kids that if I ever was pregnant I would just get an abortion.
I never thought I would react like this. I gave it a name and that made it worse I just feel empty like I can't get it out of my mind. I think I would have kept her, I like to think it was a she. Despite knowing I would be a shitty mom I wanted to keep her and I just don't know how I should be feeling or reacting...
   
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Re: miscarriage advice? - October 22nd 2014, 01:25 PM

Hi, I am sorry that this happened to you. I am sorry that you are hurting and that the father has reacted the way he does.

One of my best friends had a miscarriage about 4 years ago now. It took her a while to process it and the emotional distress was pretty bad, but she is ok now. It just makes her sad sometimes when she remembers that her baby would have been 2 or 3 or 4, which she usually remembers around the time that she lost the baby.

While no ones response to pain and upsetting situation is the same, what you are feeling is normal simply because it is what you are feeling. There isn't any "right way" to feel because your emotions are your own and no one else can dictate to you what is the "right thing" to feel.

My only advice to you is that you seek professional help from a counsellor if your response to having a miscarriage begins to interfere with your life. For example, if you become so depressed you can't get out of bed or if the anxiety is so severe you are having panic attacks at school/work (these are just 2 examples, there are lots of ways that emotions can affect your ability to get through the day normally).

Even if it hasn't gotten to the point that it is interfering with your life, counselling might be a good idea if you are feeling alone and distressed by having a miscarriage. This is especially true if the baby's father, the one who would be the most likely to feel the closest to the same as you, is reacting in a negative manner towards you.

Also, please don't believe you would be a shitty mom. I have seen a number of women who I thought would be horrible parents end up being really good parents when the baby actually arrived.

One of my friends didn't even want her baby and basically hated him, she only kept him because of her religion (it was wrong to get an abortion). She was an addict, she had been abused and had serious unresolved emotional trauma, and she was depressed. She like partying and had dropped out of high school. I was like "oh god, what's going to happen to that poor kid", despite that I see her being a good mom. She reads to her son all the time and taught him how to read the alphabet and stuff like that before he started JK.

I know this is a devastating and sad situation, but please don't believe that you would have been a bad mom if this hadn't happened because I have seen many women be good parents even when it seemed unlikely.

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Re: miscarriage advice? - October 23rd 2014, 10:34 AM

First, did you seek medical advice when you thought you had a miscarriage? Second, you may want to seek out local support groups that may be able to help provide you support.
   
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Re: miscarriage advice? - October 23rd 2014, 02:55 PM

The doctor that you saw when you miscarried should have provided information about getting counselling and other resources for you, have you looked into any of those yet? They can be really helpful.


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