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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PoeticJessie Offline
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Another Miscarriage... - October 22nd 2017, 10:00 PM

A little over a week ago, I miscarried at work. I hadn't even known about the baby before that. Hell, I hadn't even missed a period or had any symptoms. I didn't know or even suspect I was pregnant until I started cramping (bad enough I couldn't even move, and thanks to having a herniated disk and sciatica, I'm used to being in pain) and bleeding heavily. I knew, in my gut, I was miscarrying again as soon as I realized just how similar the pain felt to when I lost my daughter.

I went to the ER as soon as I got off work that morning, and the miscarriage was confirmed. It honestly hurts like hell. Looking back, I should have suspected something. While I didn't entirely stop having periods, they did get lighter and shorter, which is exactly what happened during my first pregnancy. I'd been sleeping more than before. Had to use the bathroom more often. A little sick, but I had blamed that on my diabetes. The "bloating" that hadn't gone away...

I feel so guilty. I smoke weed and cigarettes, drink from time to time, and I take a lot of acetaminophen and aspirin for my back pain. If I'd known about the baby, I would've quit it all. I wouldn't have kept smoking, drinking. I would've ignored the back pain instead of taking Goody's and BC's. I would've been [i]careful[i]

But I didn't know, and I didn't even think about it. I was told that I couldn't get pregnant again after my first miscarriage, and I stupidly believed that. I know people who were told the same thing who now have 2 or 3 children. I believe the doctor who told me I couldn't get pregnant, and I ended up fucking up my second chance to carry to term.

It hurts so damn bad knowing that I've lost another child. I wish I hadn't even gone to the ER. I would've rather the miscarriage happen without ever knowing about the pregnancy. This time, I was told it was a "miracle" I'd conceived again and that even if I did manage to conceive a third time, my chances of carrying to term to slim to none.

In response to that depressing bit of news, I asked about a tubal ligation and was told that I was too young. My doctor doesn't believe in doing that procedure on someone of my age. Why should I leave it to chance that I'll conceive again when I'll most likely have another miscarriage? I hurt bad enough as it is.

I've lost two babies. This one, and a little girl that was my entire world. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my first daughter. Hope was my everything until she died. I attempted suicide when I lost her.

Losing this baby hurt just as bad, except this time, it's my fault. I shouldn't have believed the doctor who told me I'd never get pregnant. I should've noticed the signs. I should've known, the same way I knew I was pregnant the first time.
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Another Miscarriage... - October 24th 2017, 08:13 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially since you have miscarried before. I can't imagine the pain you must be experiencing.

But this isn't your fault. Your doctor, a professional, had told you that you couldn't get pregnant again after your first miscarriage. I'm sure that most people would've believed that too, so you weren't stupid or foolish. And believing that meant that you wouldn't have expected to be pregnant. And yes, there were signs, but not only would you not expect to be pregnant but also that the signs were vague- periods getting lighter and shorter, feeling tired, bloated etc., could be symptoms of all sorts of things. And had you known you were pregnant, then of course you would've given up smoking and drinking.

The point is, you didn't know, and that's not your fault. I understand that this must be a very overwhelming time for you right now, and any feelings you have are natural reactions to what you have been through, but it really isn't your fault at all.

I'm sorry to hear that your doctor doesn't believe in doing tubal ligation on someone of your age. It must be frustrating to worry about not being able to conceive or miscarrying instead and understandably you would want to take control of your body. Maybe wait a little while before making a decision about tubal ligation since you must be feeling all sorts of emotions right now.

Hope you are coping okay

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Dusk. Offline
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Re: Another Miscarriage... - October 27th 2017, 10:50 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through at the moment.

I second everything Celyn has said. You were not to have known you were pregnant especially after being told you could get pregnant again. Please don't blame yourself for what has happened.

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Golfing girl Offline
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Re: Another Miscarriage... - October 27th 2017, 07:48 PM

Hello, I am so sorry about this. Please know that this isn't you're fault and you didn't do anything wrong. When this happens you don't know what to do or how to make yourself better, if you can try to find something that you enjoy doing to help pick yourself up. For example do you like writing or drawing or going for a walk and putting on music to help you feel a little bit better. I know what you are going through is hard if you can find something that you like to do or makes you happy it will be able to pick yourself up. Do you have friends or family that you are ok with telling them about this? And if you can try to find someone to lean on to help support you through this so that you are not alone. I hope that you will be ok soon. Lots of Hugs.
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Allyson Wood Offline
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Re: Another Miscarriage... - November 11th 2017, 03:37 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Just hang on and think that your baby is in heaven right now, happy. How are you today? I hope that you're better.
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grief, loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, tubal ligation

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