Triggering (Suicide): Best friend is pregnant and alone

My best friend told me yesterday that she had found out Friday she was pregnant. Despite the fact she is on depo she apparently was able to conceive and is now four weeks along. She is eighteen years old, jobless and not in school at the moment, and she is very confused, scared, upset, and worried for the life growing inside her.

Her boyfriend happens to be my best friend. She told me she told him Friday as soon as she found out, and he freaked out. I asked how he was handling the situation, and I am appalled at him for some of the things he has told her.
I realize he is scared, but that is no excuse to try and force her to get an abortion and threatening that their relationship wont work out if she doesnt get one or if she thinks about any other options. He seems unwilling to take responsibility for his "mistake" but doesnt want anyone else "raising his mistake" and will only ever "tolerate his mistake" if she were to have the baby.

He doesnt realize that abortion can be a traumatizing experience for the mother emotionally, and my friend is already emotionally fragile. She told me every fiber in her being is telling her abortion is the wrong thing to do. She says if she did she would never want children again and that she may be pushed over the edge to commit suicide.

So yesterday she decided she was going away, and I urged her to do so (no matter if her boyfriend comes after me later). She will go away to think and try and consider other options. But she is scared and virtually alone. She was only leaving for a couple weeks, but her bf said they were done if she left. He went over to talk to her last night about it and she was really worried he would convincer her otherwise because he has that power over her. She also didnt want him to go to the doctor with her because she was scared hed tell the doctor they had decided their option already, and she wanted the doctor to tell her her options.

I am doing my best, but can someone please tell me how I can support my best friend? I feel its not good enough, the advice I am giving. I also fear for her. And can someone also tell me how to keep from being furious with the father or letting his disgusting behavior ruin our friendship, since technically this should stay between them and I shouldnt get caught in the middle?

[iHEAVENn]

While it should stay between them.. If his actions are such that they are making even you mad/upset with him.. then maybe you should reconsider your friendship with him? Maybe also take a break from hanging around him..

As for your friend.. If he has any kind of emotional power over her then she really shouldn't be with him anyways.. I'd suggest you continue to do what you're doing for her and also offer to go with her to doctor's visits. If she decides to put the child up for adoption, let her know you'll be there for her every step of the way. The best thing you can do for her right now is listen and support whatever SHE decides.

[Xujhan]

I think Amy's advice is the best there is to give. For your friend, let her know that you'll support her whatever she chooses, and that you'd happy to help her make the decision if she asks (by, for example, going to the doctor with her).

As for the guy, obviously it's your call and this is only one incident, but I wouldn't really want to be friends with someone that selfish. Maybe he's really just handling this badly and he's overall a nice person, or maybe these are his true colours. It's hard enough to tell in person, so I'm afraid we're not likely to be much help there. Try not to burn any bridges too fast, and exercise your judgment as best you can.

My best wishes to your friend, and do suggest that she can come here if she wants advice or support of any kind.

[not_a_teen]

Don't be too hard on the guy, people.

Think of the position he's in: through no fault of his own (how was he to know his gf's birth control would fail?) he's now in the position that if his gf decides to have the baby and keep it, he can be forced to pay child support. Depending on where he lives, that could be a good chunk of his income for the next 18 years.

And yet the only control he has in this situation is his power of persuasion. If his gf decides to keep the baby and file for support, he has to pay. If he never wants a relationship with the child (or is denied one) he still has to pay. Two decades from now he could even be helping put someone he's never met through university.

No wonder he's freaking out.

[Xujhan]

Originally Posted by not_a_teen

Don't be too hard on the guy, people.

Think of the position he's in: through no fault of his own (how was he to know his gf's birth control would fail?) he's now in the position that if his gf decides to have the baby and keep it, he can be forced to pay child support. Depending on where he lives, that could be a good chunk of his income for the next 18 years.

And yet the only control he has in this situation is his power of persuasion. If his gf decides to keep the baby and file for support, he has to pay. If he never wants a relationship with the child (or is denied one) he still has to pay. Two decades from now he could even be helping put someone he's never met through university.

No wonder he's freaking out.

Freaking out would be totally understandable. I'd probably freak out a little too. But that's not justification for emotionally abusing and manipulating his girlfriend. One of the first rules of having sex is: be prepared to deal with the consequences. The situation is equally his responsibility and hers, and I stand by what I said about probably wanting nothing to do with someone who instantly defaults to being selfish when the chips are down.

[iHEAVENn]

Originally Posted by not_a_teen

Don't be too hard on the guy, people.

Think of the position he's in: through no fault of his own (how was he to know his gf's birth control would fail?) he's now in the position that if his gf decides to have the baby and keep it, he can be forced to pay child support. Depending on where he lives, that could be a good chunk of his income for the next 18 years.

And yet the only control he has in this situation is his power of persuasion. If his gf decides to keep the baby and file for support, he has to pay. If he never wants a relationship with the child (or is denied one) he still has to pay. Two decades from now he could even be helping put someone he's never met through university.

No wonder he's freaking out.

No fault of his own? He had SEX. Sex=babies with or without birth control. Birth control does NOT always work. If he didn't know that then frankly he shouldn't be having sex.

[Jaguar]

Lots of good advice above. It's really stressful when people you care about go through bad stuff, or in his case, act like complete assholes. About all you can do in this situation is listen, be a friend, offer suggestions where they are welcome and also give advice based on what your values are. You don't really have any control over what goes on, but you're there for them and that's what matters. Hope for the best, and try to help where you can, if you can. That's all anyone can do.

[hopefaithlove]

That's a tough situation. If I were you, I would just be supportive of both of them to the best of your ability. Everyone above had some good tips too!

Hey guys,

Just an update on the situation. (Fortunately or Unfortunately, depending how you look at it) my friend did confirm the pregnancy with a doctor, so she is on her way to becoming a mother. Things have apparently smoothed over a little with her and her boyfriend, although they vacillated back and forth all this week about what to do once she had the doctor confirm she was pregnant. However, they have decided to keep the baby (at least for the past couple days its stayed constant). For now the fighting is over, but five weeks in her nausea and mood swings are already setting in according to her boyfriend. Im preparing myself to possibly have a really stressful next nine months with the two of them, since they already fight a lot anyway. But I am hoping for the best.

[Jacksonian]

Tell your pregnant friend not to be fragile. If every fiber in her being is telling her not to have an abortion then she shouldn't. In this situation she has to be strong enough to speak for herself and make her opinions heard of. This might be harsh what I am saying but if the boyfriend/father is threatening that his way should be done without even considering your friends' thoughts then you or her should tell him what he is doing is wrong. If he threatens to walk out, let him. Tell your friend not to put up with someone who forces his will over hers. Find a homeless shelter for her or you can take her in or find another option.

[TrustingThePain]

The next nine months are going to be the easy part both for them, and for you as their friend.

[hopefaithlove]

Brianne is right. Tell them to enjoy these 9 months (well, less than that now) and get sleep. They have a very tough 18 years coming up! Good luck. Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy.