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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question My 4 year olds father - July 1st 2010, 04:49 AM


My name is Emma, I have a 4 year old son named Dante. When I was 14 I got Drunk and had Sex with a guy who went to my school. When I told him that I was pregnant he said he didn't want to have a baby, that's why he was gay.

So My family and I moved away when I was pregnant. We moved back When Dante turned 4. My son goes to preschool. one day when i picked him up he asked me."Mommy why do my friends have daddies and i don't?" And I don't know what to say.

He has been asking me questions about his father like, Whats he like?, Where is he?, What does he look like?...so what should I say?

I went to to Dante's father house and begged him to be with his son but he just called Dante a Bastard child, and slamed the door.

I don't know what to do...dante wants his father in his life...and i really don't know what to do. I'm trying to be the best mother I can be....so please don't judge my mothering skills...

Last edited by EmmasAwesome; July 1st 2010 at 05:19 AM.
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 1st 2010, 05:46 AM

If Dante's Dad doesn't want to be in his life, I guess you can't force him, and that Is unfortunate.
I'm sorry he wasn't around to help you raise the baby. And Im sorry he isn't around now to be a good father to your son.
I guess the best thing you could do is tell your son the truth.
Not like bluntly since he is still a small boy.
But explain to him the best you can.
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 1st 2010, 05:24 PM

I'm sorry to hear that the father is a dead beat. I feel really bad for your little Dante just hearing about it. Is there someone in you guys' life that he could look up to like a father figure... maybe like an uncle or something... or a very close friend... someone who wouldn't mind being around for him. I would still try to explain things to him gently, but maybe having another male influence in his life, would make him feel more secure. I donno, that is a hard situation... don't feel like a bad mother though, you are trying to do the best for your son, and that is obveous. You are doing everything you can with what you've got. Don't blame yourself. The fact that you got pregnant by that guy, well mistakes happen... you are human. It's gonna be okay. You can just tell your son that his dad is not being responsible enough to parent... and that he is still a kid too, and that he is prolly scared to be a daddy. Then when he gets a little older, explain better... Who knows, the father could grow out of this and want to be a part of the childs life later on... in a few years. I wouldn't shut the door to his father at so young an age, by just saying, he doesn't want to be your daddy... I donno...

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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 1st 2010, 07:25 PM

As the other posters have said, if the dad doesnt wanna be a part of his son's life, then unfortunately the sad truth is there's not a lot you, or anyone else can to do to make him.

What age is the father? If he's still young, you never know, in a few years, he might look upon it differently so keep the option there, and try and keep it simple and gentle when telling your son.

Good luck, take care.

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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 3rd 2010, 10:52 PM

Hey there,
i dont really know much about parenting, but when i was a child and i asked questions about my father, my mom would make up these fantastic stories about how he was a king and had to live far away to rule his kingdome and stuff. She would tell me that when i was old enough i could go and take over as princess and all that. I'm greatfull to her for that. WHy dont you try it with Dante?

Take care,

Stay forever lovely
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 3rd 2010, 11:33 PM

Obviously like all others said you can't force it upon him. Due time might prove that he might want to spend time with him. I don't think it's great to be 100% honest with a kid at his age but I'd try to tell him that some kids don't have dads

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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 4th 2010, 03:42 PM

With an attitude like that you should definitely take him to court for child support.
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 4th 2010, 04:48 PM

Make it clear to Dantes father that he is welcome back into Dantes life at any point. Purely for Dantes sake. Not your own. The guy sounds like a douch bag, but maybe as he grows up his attitude may change.

As for what you tell him, well, its what you're comfortable with. It could be something like 'Daddys gone away he's got some very important stuff to do, maybe one day you can meet him' or simply brush it off with stuff like 'because mummys a super mumy and doesn't need a daddy'

Sorry I couldn't be more useful.
Good luck

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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 5th 2010, 01:06 PM

I agree with Hannah. I like the idea of trying something along the lines of "because Mummy's a super Mummy." If he persists, then a gentle truth would be that his father is unable to be there at the moment because of some things he has to take care of. I imagine this is a very difficult position to be in.

As far as the father... He reminds me of my father, who refused to pay child or spousal support. It took the threat of jailtime and it took the court interfering before he paid up. He pulled quite a bit of other bullshit "tactics" that resulted in the divorce lasting months longer than it had to. I'm not sure what are the chances of you winning your case, but I would be conscious of the fact (if you chose the path of taking him to court) that he could drag it out longer than it has to be. It honestly might be better to say fuck it and not even try. Obviously let him know he's welcome back into your life for Dante's sake, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make nice with him. Sounds like someone needs to grow the fuck up, but it's nice to see that you're a caring mother. Super mummy indeed.
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 5th 2010, 02:37 PM

You can not force the father to be part of your son's life. What you may be able to do however is if there is any father-like figures in your life or even your own father may be able to be a mentor to your son. As it is very important that a young boy has a male role model. This man may not be your son's actual father but he can act as someone who is like a father to your son.

For example, I have a youth leader who though he has no children of his own enjoys working with youth. Maybe you could try to find someone like that.

Good luck and hope this helps.
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Re: My 4 year olds father - July 8th 2010, 03:01 AM

Originally Posted by FlyingTrue View Post
With an attitude like that you should definitely take him to court for child support.
Yes. My initial thought was "OMG. SUE THAT BASTARD." I mean, come on, common decency states that he should at least be polite about it.

As far as things with Dante go, I agree wholeheartedly with what other posters have said about finding a father-figure for him. =]

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