i'm just really having trouble...

[darkinnocenteyes]

Okay well I'm having a really hard time. This is really hard to talk about. i don't even know if this really belongs here, but here goes. you can move this to the mental health forum if you want.

I was diagnosed with OCD last year.
I know I've had it for a while, it just never got diagnosed...
I had anorexia... which is like the same thing...

now I've gotten over my obsession with food...

and it feels like it's been taken over with an obsession over wanting to be pregnant. This started a year ago, when I decided to go off of the pill because it was messing me up really bad. My boyfriend and I were being young and stupid, and I went through a monthly cycle using no protection and having sex multiple times, actually somewhat trying to get me pregnant... then after that I started looking for symtoms... I started actually getting them so I did everything, got on prenatals, read books, looked for a job, even went as far as to tell my family that I was pregnant without the pregnancy test because I was positive I was. I ended up stressing out so bad about it, that I went to the hospital because my stomache started swelling up like a balloon really fast and there was a lot of pressure on my ribs and my back. They told me I wasn't pregnant and I cried my eyes out. Ever since then, I've been Ill, beyond stressed beyond paranoid... it's like I went crazy. It turns out that my intestines were filling up with air and contracting so none of the air came out and i had the most extreme bloating you could ever imagine... it disalligned my sacroiliac joint, and even disloacted my rib for a whole week. The whole time, I was reading book after book about pregnancy, learning everything I could. I was in a fog of pain and anxiety thinking there was something wrong with me, like a ihad cancer or something... this pain and bloating has taken a year to finally subside, because ai convinced myself that it was ocd that was actually bringin my symtomsalmed down a lot.

Now I'm just getting back to the point where my body would actually allow me to get pregnant... the thing is as all this has been going on, the stress has been so great that I wasn't ovulating, at all. now I'm begining to ovulate again... and it's been a whole year and my bf and I don't use protection, he just pulls out. I'm still reading book after book. Having a baby is not in his plan and I don't want to trick him into having a baby because he's so nonchalont about it... I'm afraid of hormonal contraception of any kind so i don't know what to use... I'm afraid of even putting latex or anything really in my body cuz i've had BV and I don't want to get it again.

I just feel really insane... and I can't get over this. I don't want to end up doing something stupid though, you see I'm actually terrified of pregnancy and all aspects of it, I'm not even really comfortable around babies. I know I'm not ready for this at all, in any way. I don't understand what I'm doing. I mean before we have sex I think, I hope I get pregnant... and after sex I'm like oh no, i'm scared that I'm pregnant. idon't know what to do. I don't want to make a big mistake, and I know that especially because of my mindset about this, that getting pregnant would be a HUGE mistake right now. I obssess over everything. I really think I need to go to some sort of treatment because I obsess about everything I do... and I have a family history of mental illness. I am really scared to be truthful. I'm scared of myself, for myself, and for my future kid. I feel like I have no future because of this. OCD is running my life and nobody even knows it, and I can't tell people about this. I just need some consolement, and reassurance that what I'm saying right now is the right thing. I really need support to make the right decisions about this. So I'm reaching out to you guys, because I'm afraid of reaching out to anyone I actually know because they will think I'm crazy.

[Nicolette]

Sounds like you're in an incredibly hard situation... you know that it isn't the right time to have a child and yet at the back of your mind you really want one.. that is fairly normal, alot of females go through it because we're the ones who're reproductive and its our job to become pregnant, carry, and give birth, its all in our natural hormones.

I'd do some research into a contraceptive that works for you, there's alot more out there than birth control pills (which you might just need to find the pill that's right for you) and latex condoms... there's natural condoms, spermacide, sponges... ALOT of things that are way safer than pulling out, because even pre-ejaculate can get you pregnant.

Babies are great but they are draining in every way possible, financialy, time wise, emotionally... I just had a little one and he's a 24/7 job that you don't just get to put down and walk away from. Its all about balance and planning now...

[darkinnocenteyes]

yes i agree, it makes me feel better to know that im not completely insane. lols... I know i need to change my routine, or i could end up pregnant. I've actaully been abataning from sex all together... it's hard to get my boyfriend to switch back to condoms when we haven't been using anything for so long, but i mean, i might have to do that for a while till I get a better contraceptive.

[Lost_InTheStars]

As far as the OCD goes, have you been seeing a therapist? Because they can be really helpful, and it sounds like it's really takeing a toll on you. And there is medicine that might be helpful. And don't worry. You're definently not crazy. As far as having a baby goes, just remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. More than just, like you said, being not ready for it, what's the rush? You have plenty of time to have a baby in the future. Just relax. Wait for the right time.