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Pregnancy and Childcare If you're pregnant, a young parent, or have questions related to either, ask them here!

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miscarriage - December 17th 2010, 03:22 AM

I miscarried about a year and a half ago and I haven't been able to get over it. I was only about three and a half months along, but my boyfriend and I finally got over the scare and we were excited. We tracked online each week how big the baby was. Then came the miscarriage and we were devastated. After I got over the depression over the next few weeks, nothing was right with us anymore. At first he blamed me for losing the baby. We fought all the time. I don't know if he still blames be because we don't talk about it anymore...every time we do, we fight. I still hurt and I know he still hurts too, but there's no closure for us with this.

I see babies and I get sad because I was supposed to have one. I'm still trying to work through this, but it's hard. Has anyone else been through this? I would really just like to talk to someone who will listen to me.
   
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Re: miscarriage - December 17th 2010, 04:40 AM

Oh Leigh=( I am so sorry!=( I hope your boyfriend does not still blame you for it because it was not your fault at all. I don't really know what to say because I don't know anyone who has dealt with that before but just know that me and a lot of other people on here are there for you.


   
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Re: miscarriage - December 17th 2010, 04:44 AM

Thank you. It's nice to hear someone actually say something nice about the whole thing. I don't know if he still blames me or not...it's too touchy of a subject for us to talk about. Maybe time will fix it.
   
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Re: miscarriage - December 17th 2010, 05:58 AM

I'm sorry to hear you had such a terrible loss. In a past relationship I was with someone who miscarried, and she was devastated... For me, I didn't count it as human yet - since it was at about 2 months - so It hurt me significantly less then her... but regardless, It isn't an easy thing to cope with or get over. I don't know how anyone could blame you for the miscarriage though, mother nature spontaneously aborts pregnancy's all the time and it is often just because one tiny little thing is off. I'm not sure whether or not you know what goes into the making of a child - but it really is a miraculous and astronomical feat.. what your body has to go through just in the first weeks of pregnancy is extraordinary! If one tiny chemical balance is off, or the fertilized egg attaches in a place that is not ideal - the body can terminate to protect you from harm and to protect the child from deformation. It's in no way your fault - there was nothing you could do so long as you werent smoking or drinking and eating tons of junkfood then it was just a sadly unavoidable consequence of a natural mess up. The thing about pregnancy is ... you can always try again if it is something you want and are ready for.
Sometimes guys do stupid things like blame the woman about things like this simply because you were the one carrying the baby - "it must be your fault" Don't take it to heart - he's just trying to get over it by having a face to blame - a scapegoat. It's the easiest way of coping - but it's ruining your relationship with each other.
Try having a heart-to-heart conversation with him and make sure to point out to him that you are not to blame and make him calm down if he starts speaking louder or getting upset. It's a conversation that has to be had - and you MUST control yourself and not become defensive - it will just escalate his defensiveness - instead speak calmly and in a non-aggressive way and make sure to reassure him that you love him and are just trying to work through the problem - that it is a conversation, not an attempt at assigning blame or arguing.

Good Luck - And some seriously great hugs.


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Re: miscarriage - December 18th 2010, 12:33 PM

i went through this four years ago. and am going through it now. i know what you are feeling. I had an unsupportive partner the first time, it made it all that much worse. this time I am lucky to have my fiance, but it is still the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I know I can get through it because I have before, but I don't remember how I did it and I don't think I can right now.


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Re: miscarriage - December 18th 2010, 07:57 PM

Hey there,

The first thing I want you to know is that you can and will get through this. I know you are dealing with a lot of different emotions but it is possible to heal. I think it would be a really good idea for you and your boyfriend to look into couples counseling. I know that might not be something you want to consider but it might help the two of you work through any issues that you have in regards to the miscarriage. I also think that therapy would help give the both of you closure.

I really hope this helped and if you ever need to chat please feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: miscarriage - December 20th 2010, 11:56 PM

I went through this in early November, though I was only 6 weeks along. Nothing about it is easy, but you can't blame yourself. A lot of miscarriages happen because of chromosomal abnormalities. There's nothing anyone can do to stop them.

Try writing a letter to your baby, tell them how much you love them and miss them. Maybe you could include your boyfriend in this, or suggest he write his own. It could provide some closure.


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Re: miscarriage - January 3rd 2011, 02:33 AM

Hey there, First off; I am terribly sorry about your loss. Secondly, I experienced a miscarriage about a year ago as well. I didn't have a very supportive boyfriend. In fact, he was abusive. He blamed me for losing my precious baby at almost 4 months along. It sucked so bad. I felt guilty, with a bunch of pain that just wouldn't go away. & To this day, it still hasn't gone away. I wish my little girl was here every day of my life. I write letters to her. I also draw things that kinda remind me of her presence. It gives me a sense of closure. Although I wish she was here, I know she's in a better place, cause if she did make it, she wouldn't of had a great life with a monstrous father. Again, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. No mother should have to deal with such tragedy. I hope you feel better and just know that you can PM me anytime to talk, I'm here to listen. *Hugs*
   
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