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am I gay or bi? am I in denial? - March 7th 2015, 02:34 PM

So lately I've been confused about my sexuality and its really stressing me out. Here's my story.

So this all started when I was 14 years old. I started thinking and believing that I was transgender. Then I started thinking that I was either gay or bi. There was this girl at my out-patient program that I thought I liked. I was never nervous or had butterflies around her but I would go home thinking about her. Those thoughts of me being trans and gay went away after awhile. After that I identified as straight.

Then those thoughts came back. I started thinking that I might be gay or bi but I'm really aiming towards gay because I really don't want to be bi. I know that probably didn't make any sense because sexuality isn't a chose but I really don't want to be because it doesn't make any sense to me. But anyway back to my story.

So I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life. My first one was when I was 12 years old. We dated for a day. After that I never seen him again. We kissed. I never had any romantic or sexual attraction towards him. I never had a crush on him either.

My second boyfriend I had a crush on. We met online and I only seen pictures of him. I was romanticly and sexually attracted to him even though we never met face to face. I knew I was sexually attracted to him because we would talk dirty to each other. We broke up after awhile. I haven't had a boyfriend since then. We met in 2013 and broke up in the same year so its been like a year in a half since we broke up. The thing is I think I still like him because I sometimes have fantasies about him. I just had a dream about him last night.

I started rethinking that I was gay because I developed a huge crush on my friend. She's a girl. I knew I had a crush on her because I would get strong butterflies in my stomach whenever I was around her. My crush on her went away for a little bit then it came back. Now its a small crush. I know that I still have a crush on her because when I get around her I want to kiss her really really badly but I don't because 1. She's straight and she wouldn't be okay with me kissing her. That would make her feel uncomfortable. So I'm respecting her boundaries and 2. I get really really scared. I freeze up. I told her that I liked her and she told me that she didn't care and that she's straight.

The thing is she's the only girl that I'm attracted to. I'm romantically attracted to her. She's the only girl that I have feelings for. I still think that boys are cute and all but I'm not attracted to them. Romantically or sexually. I wouldn't mind holding a boys hand, kissing them, or being in a relationship with them. But i'm not romantically or sexually attracted to them. And another thing is that I wouldn't want to have sex with a boy. The thought of that makes me feel uncomfortable. I just can't do it. I don't want a boys body part inside me because it makes me feel uncomfortable. With a girl, I would if I really liked her and she liked me back. Well not now but in the future. When I'm older.

I also have this imaginary girlfriend. Her name is Alex. The thing is Alex isn't real. She's just in my head. I have fantasies that we kiss and cuddle and hold hands together. I tell her that I love her so much. That I love her with all my heart and that I don't want to lose her. That losing her is like losing a part of me. A part of me that I need to survive. Sometimes I have fantasies that we're having sex and it turns me on.

I think I'm in denial about my sexuality. Because like I was bullied because I'm a cross dresser. You know a tomboy. I was called gay and other homophobic slurs. I think that that's a factor as to why I have second thoughts and think that I'm bi rather than gay. It's just hard for me to accept the fact that I might be gay.

I don't know what to do. Im just so stressed out about this. Sorry that this post was long but I just really had to get this off my chest and talk about it because it's bothering me a lot.
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Re: am I gay or bi? am I in denial? - March 8th 2015, 05:14 AM


I am sorry to hear that you are going through this right now! This is definitely a confusing time for sure.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what your sexuality is for sure. It is definitely possible that you aren't straight, at the very least. I say this because you said that you would have a relationship with or have sex with a girl if you two liked each other. However, only you can define your sexuality because only you know yourself best! Everyone experiences sexuality in a different way, so it's hard to put a neat label on it and say that there are certain criteria someone has to meet in order to be gay, bi, or something else.

But it is okay to be unsure. You have plenty of time to figure out your label. There's no rush to say that you have to label yourself RIGHT NOW, or even ever! It's okay if you NEVER label yourself because labels are just a societal construct. Also know that your sexuality is what YOU define it, so if you do decide on a label it is okay to choose whichever label makes you feel the most comfortable.

That being said, this is a link to TeenHelp's Queer Dictionary. It gives definitions of various labels, so maybe something there suits you.

Are there any LGBT+ related groups in your area? That may help you to feel a lot less alone. You'll meet other people who you can give and get support from, and even make some friends!

There is NOTHING to be ashamed of if you are not straight, remember that. Anyone who tells you otherwise is clearly wrong. Your sexuality does NOT define your personality and who you are as a person. I know it is hard but there definitely are people out there that will love you and care about you no matter what your sexual orientation is.

Take a deep breath and go with the flow. This will become clear!


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