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Angry Ace problems - October 5th 2015, 12:16 PM

Rant time...

I'm pretty sure that I am asexual or on that spec. Whilst I am necessarily repulsed by sex, It just isn't something I want. However, I appreciate good looks and I have felt romantic/platonic(?) affections towards one particular person despite not wanting a romantic relationship. I'm fine with the idea of hugging, cuddling, kissing (preferably dry kisses), hand holding, etc. but sex is just a big no-no for me.

I haven't told anyone about my asexuality. I tried bringing it up in a conversation with my dad, but he seems to think that sex is a vital part of a relationship. I don't want to tell either of my parents until I'm older because I don't want them to think that I'm just going through a phase, although I am 99% sure. But in the mean time, I just feel so alone. I have nobody to talk to that will understand.

I would love to get married and maybe have children some day, but I don't know how that would work with me being ace. I'm terrified of being asked out by someone in case I am expected to do something I don't want to do. I know this might sound ridiculous but according to some of the girls in my classes, it is quite the norm to be having sex at the age of 15, while I haven't even had my first kiss yet. I hate having to hide my asexuality like a shameful secret, I just wish I knew somebody who is also ace that would understand what I mean.

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Re: Ace problems - October 6th 2015, 01:23 AM


I'm sorry you haven't found anyone to tell about your sexuality yet. I totally get the need to tell someone. I've known I was bi for a year and a half and I didn't tell anyone until last month. It was so great to finally tell someone, though – I ended up texting a friend who moved away last year, so I don't see her much anymore, but I still talk to her frequently and can vent to her. Do you have anyone like that who you can trust, or anyone you know who's in the LGBT+ community? Even having one person who knows and supports you can make a huge difference.

That said, you totally don't need to come out to your parents if you think they wouldn't support you or wouldn't understand. It could be nice for your parents to know, but you being comfortable at home is more important, and that can't happen if your parents don't accept you. Telling them is your choice.

You can definitely still get married and have kids as an ace person, if you find a partner who is ace or understands that you're not interested in anything sexual, and you can always adopt. For now, try not to feel pressured into or out of saying yes to people asking you out. It might be hard, but if you like someone who asks you out or something, you absolutely have the right to tell them that you're not interested in anything sexual. You don't even have to tell them you're ace (though it might be good to have them know if they could support you). If you're not comfortable telling them that you're ace, that's fine – they should respect you when you say you don't want to go any further than kissing. If they don't, you can try explaining it to them, but ultimately, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't a good person to be in a relationship with.

I hope that helped. You can message me if you ever need anything or want to chat - I'm trying to come out to some people too right now so I get the struggle


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Re: Ace problems - October 7th 2015, 04:23 PM

Thanks for your response!
I did come close to telling one of my friends. I knew he would probably be understanding, especially since he came out as gay not too long ago. Unfortunately, I missed the chance to bring it up during a relevant conversation because I wasn't sure how to tell him. Do you have any suggestions for coming out?

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Re: Ace problems - October 8th 2015, 12:13 AM

Hey there,
sorry to hear about your current situation,
when i found out i was asexual I didn't want to tell my parents for the same reasons. But when i started finding out more about the lgbtqia+ community, I began telling them about what the different letters all mean, especially asexuality. This worked pretty well, so if you think your family would respond well to that, I'd highly suggest it. Just keep in mind that, as my dad told me, our parents are from a different generation, and so all the new definitions can be difficult to remember and understand all at once, so just be patient. If you explain asexuality (along with others in case you don't want them catching on before you feel ready) calmly to them, they'll begin to understand.
As fallingstargirl said, it is still completely possible to get married and have kids even in you're ace. Don't feel pressured by someone you're with to have sex, you are the only one who gets to decide what you do with your body.
I'd also suggest checking out places like http://www.asexuality.org/home/ or http://skittlr.net/ . They have loads of information, and skittlr is pretty much a social network site for people who are apart of the lgbtqia+ community.
If you ever want to chat about something, feel free! I hope this helped a bit!
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Re: Ace problems - October 8th 2015, 04:31 PM

I'll definitely check those sites out, I think I have seen AVEN before but I couldn't find the web address, so thanks for that and your advice, I definitely found it helpful.

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Re: Ace problems - October 9th 2015, 05:36 PM

Hey Sarah,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling so alone lately. I definitely understand how difficult it is not to have anyone to talk to about your sexuality.

It's great that you came close to opening up to a friend about it! I'd definitely recommend following through with that, as it will give you someone in your corner to talk to about your thoughts and feelings. Since your friend recently came out as gay, it's highly likely that he's going to be accepting of your sexuality. That should take a lot of the pressure off, since you don't really have to wonder about what his response will be.

There doesn't really need to be a "relevant conversation" for you to come out. If you feel that the time is right, go for it! Try texting your friend and letting him know that you have something important that you'd like to talk to him about. Set up a date and time to meet up at a coffeehouse, a park, or somewhere else that you feel comfortable and use that time to open up to him. If you're nervous about it, think about some different things that you could say and practice them. It will make it easier to have the conversation when the time comes. Because people are still lacking so much education on what it means to be asexual, perhaps you could print out some literature for him that answers basic questions, just in case he's not quite sure what you mean. If talking about it out loud is something that you are 100% not ready for, you could always write him a letter and then talk more openly about it once he reads it.

Both your dad and your classmates are wrong when it comes to sex. something that really just stems from lack of knowledge. If you think about it, asexuality isn't something that has been openly discussed until recently, so people are still learning about what it really means to be asexual. I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community myself and I'm still learning so much about it! Back to the point, though. Sex is absolutely NOT a vital part of a relationship. While people who are sexual tend to see it that way, a relationship can be completely healthy, even without sex. The difference is that asexual relationships are much more focused on the emotional aspect of things, which is definitely a good thing!

Also, there is absolutely no pressure to have sex or do anything physical at all. While many teens do begin to have sex with each other around your age, there is nothing that says you need to experiment or do anything you're not ready for. Sex is something you're just not interested in and there is nothing wrong with choosing not to try it! Sex should be enjoyed and, if that's not how you feel about it, then there's really no point to it.

When you are asked out by someone, just be open about your sexuality. If someone truly cares about YOU as a person, asexuality is something that they will work to understand. It might be an adjustment for them and might even be a brand new concept to them, so open conversation about it is key. But, if the person truly wants to be with you, they will be respectful of your sexuality and any boundaries/compromises that are set forth.

Asexuality will definitely not prevent you from having kids! There are a lot of options out there for people who are not able to have kids or would like to have children through a means other than sex. Adoption is always a fantastic option and one that I am definitely an advocate of. A lot of kids out there need forever homes and you could be the person to provide that for them! If you still want to have your own children (your DNA), you could always consider IVF, a procedure in which the egg and sperm are mixed outside the body and then re-injected into the mother. If you're not interested in giving birth to the child but still want it to have your DNA, surrogacy is another great option! I know having kids might not be at the front of your mind right now, but I just want to let you know that there are options!

I'd love to talk to you more about any of this if you have more questions. Feel free to shoot me a PM anytime. I really hope this helped some.

Take care,

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foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
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Re: Ace problems - October 10th 2015, 06:10 PM

Thank you so much, I feel a lot better now! I will definitely consider all of your advice. Thank you everyone who responded.

Edit- Just noticed a mistake in my first post. I'm not repulsed by sex, I just have no desire for it. I would edit, but it won't let me.

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