What the hell do I have to do?

[Nymous]

I don't have any idea of what I have to do. When I was young, I was always playing with the boys and all the girls found that weird (in primary school). On the end of the primary school I even spoke about girls with my friends. In the first years of the secondary school, all the girls were fixated on boys and were really interested in them. Sometimes I found a guy attractive, but often I turned to hating them when I knew them better, because I didn't liked their personality. So I was not really interested in guys. But sometimes, I looked (without noticing) to girls and found some of them attractive, or you know...
Last year, I found out that I was in love with a girl I knew. I was really confused. Finally, I told it to my sister and to my mother. They were okay with the fact I could be lesbian, but my mother said: 'As long as you are not bi, it's okay'. 'Cause she thinks you 'have to choose'.
In the summer, there happened something. My nearly-girlfriend came to my house to sleep and the day after we went to the city. But then, in the evening, we went to the station and her train moved and since then, we haven't seen each other anymore. She lived too far to see each other often. I told that to my mother. My mother said: 'honestly, I don't think you're really lesbian' and 'life would be easier for you not to be gay'. First, I didn't want to believe it, but then I decided that maybe it would be easier.
Past year, I tried my best not to be attracted to girls; I tried to react like a hetero girl on flirts of boys, but I was never attracted. I nearly tried to fall in love, but it's not working. I can't help being attracted to and fall in love with girls.
Next thing is going to sound weird, but still. Thing is that I'm not supposed to exist. My name is Mikolai (or Nicolas, if you want) and I'm one of the alters of the girl in who's body I am. I think she (let's call her C) is hetero. I don't think C would have a problem with it if I would have a girlfriend. But it would be weird, and people would think that she's bi. And her mother doesn't like Bi's. I can't live pretending to fall in love with guys. I mean, I'm a male personality in the body of a girl with different personalities. So on fact, I'm hetero. But the body is forcing me to be homo. It's a bit difficult to understand, I know, but please, can anybody give me advice?

[bitesize]

Ok, I don't have time to write out all of what I want to reply, but basically ~ don't stifle your emotions. You'll be so much unhappier. You have to accept yourself as who and what you are and let life take you that way. OK, so maybe your mum is right in saying that life would be easier if you were straight, but that doesn't mean you SHOULD be straight, or should try and force yourself into feeling feelings for people thaat you don't have. Sorry, if I can I'll coem abck later and write more!!

[lea-x-fallen]

be who you are. dont hide any part of yourself. it will only make you feel worse. don't think of what other people will think. be yourself. people will like you. you can't make yourself fall in love, trust me i've tried it. i've also been attracted to guys only to find i don't really love them. then everything in my head gets mixed up. pm me if it helps. =)