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Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 12:27 AM

I apologize ahead for the really long post. =/
But any advice would be greatly appreciated. <3

Okay, so my girlfriend and I (let's just call her Katie) have been together for about a year now. And I've gotta say, it's been the most bittersweet phase of my life ever since she came around. She loves me unconditionally, and this is our first *legit* serious relationship.

We tried to keep it on the low at first; telling only our close friends and her trusted relatives. But something as big as this couldn't be kept in for too long. Her whole family knew soon enough, but they're pretty open-minded so it's okay. It's MY family that's very conservative and didn't handle it too well.

My parents eventually caught up with our 'sneaking around', and I've had to come clean about it. This happened about 3 months ago. Ever since then, my life at home has been awkward, irritating, and tense. I grew up so overprotected by my dad, and I've never defied him. Maybe went past my curfew every now and then, but other than that, I've been a freakin' good kid. Secluded from a lot of normal teenage stuff, I guess you could even say.

He tried to negotiate with me in different ways:
1- Told me to break up with her. I said no.
2- Break it off with her until I graduate high school this year, then I can do whatever (which I knew was a bluff). I said no.
3- Since I'm so stubborn about it, he'll deport me back to China. (I'm not really from there, but for privacy purposes, it's somewhere close to it).

He seriously did get my papers, visa, and everything ready. He told me this about a month and a half before my graduation. Obviously, I freaked. There's no way in hell I'm letting him send me off just because he's in denial about me.

And now.. I'm down to the option of running away the night of my graduation. I know that may sound a little too intense, but seriously? I can't even go jogging around my own damn neighborhood because they'll think I'm going to meet up with Katie. I'm not exactly the type to talk back or say "F You" and leave the house whenever I feel like it either. So this whole "moving out" thing is a huge deal. Oh, and apparently, if I continue my relationship with her, they've already "lost me". As in, I'm being disowned.

NOW I can finally get to the actual problem. lol.
As my graduation day's coming closer, I'm getting cold feet. What I'm terrified about is that:
- I'm actually leaving my family. I can't say that we have a close relationship, but I just couldn't believe that they'd ALL turn their backs on me like that.
- I have to finish school. This will be my first year of college, and I gotta find a way to support myself. I currently have a job, but I understand how the real world is. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with paying bills (especially rent) and balance school at the same time.
- I'm too immature. I've learned so much about myself recently, and I can't say that I'm confident with how strong I need to be. I have a bruised self-esteem, more stubborn than I thought, and can't get a hold of my emotions as well as I should. I have way too many "break down" episodes, and I get so overwhelmed with things.

My girlfriend has been very supportive and has continued to love me unconditionally though, despite how difficult I've been lately. These past few days, I've been pissed off like 24/7. I'm tired all the time and can't sleep well. I just.. don't know. I hate it when people tell me to do "what feels right". I've been feeling way too many damn things lately that my judgment is screwed up now. I don't want to think anymore. And I need help..?
   
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 12:58 AM

Wow, tricky. I don't blame you for losing sleep, you must be one strong girl!

Hmm, perhaps it doesn't have to be as final as totally moving out and severing family ties. Maybe what you all need is a bit of space and cooling off time?

Is there anywhere you could live temporarily? What about your girlfriend's family? You said they were cool, maybe if you and your girlfriend explain the situation to them they might let you stay for a bit. If you offered to help pay your way in their house it would probably work out cheaper than trying to support yourself on your own.

If not then there may be some kind of state support available to you if you do decide to move out. I don't know where you are, but here in the UK you can get government benefits if you're on a low income.

Another option is to attempt some reconciliation. Is there anyone in your family that is more likely to be on your side if you had a proper talk with them? Or maybe in your girlfriend's family, how close are you to them?

Wow, I seemed to have asked more questions than you did!
Anyway, I really hope you work things out. Stay strong, things will be okay!
   
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 01:37 AM

Yeah, I'm guessing some time away from them will alleviate the situation a bit. Or at least I'm hoping it will.

I'm staying with her for the meantime (: I'd feel too guilty if I stayed at her place without compensating her mom in any way, so yes, we're gonna talk to her about paying. It's better than nothing.

That's what really got to me. Not one single person in my family has my back. They all think it's "wrong", and that I'm ruining my future, and blah blah blah. My girlfriend's aunt and uncle are pretty updated with our situation and they offered to help. It's a tough situation for everyone to understand, and they're just as confused as to what to tell us. lol.

Thanks (: I'm trying to keep it together as best as I can.
I appreciate your input though!
   
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 01:55 AM

Hmm, maybe some of the time apart will help them to get things in perspective. You are their daughter after all. It might even take a while, but time is a wonderfully healing thing.

And if not then I guess the time has come for you to strike out on your own! Everyone leaves home eventually, it's just unfortunate that it has to be under these circumstances.
It's great that you've got some support from your girlfriend's family, that should make things a bit easier, right?
   
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 06:47 AM

If your family have been over-protective and have so much concern about how this will impact your future and such, I find it hard to believe they'd really turn their backs on you forever. Personally it sounds more like a control-method to me. They might feel if they threaten you with something as harsh as abandoning you, that you will be too scared and won't go against their wishes. The problem is, if they show even a little support it might (in their minds) mean you feel a little safer and would go for it. People can be strange =/

Since you have the support of your gf and your gf's family, it might be worth it to go for it. It would also help your own self confidence a lot to make your own choices. It doesn't have to be permanent, maybe just temporary to see how it goes. Time can work wonders and eventually your family might realize they care too much to lose you forever because of their stubbornness.

Best of luck and really hope it all turns out well.
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 02:22 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiddo View Post
Hmm, maybe some of the time apart will help them to get things in perspective. You are their daughter after all. It might even take a while, but time is a wonderfully healing thing.

And if not then I guess the time has come for you to strike out on your own! Everyone leaves home eventually, it's just unfortunate that it has to be under these circumstances.
It's great that you've got some support from your girlfriend's family, that should make things a bit easier, right?

It makes it a bit easier, yeah. Some of them haven't completely accepted it, but at least they're not condemning her for being gay or anything.
On the bright side, I guess being on my own can let me take back all those years of being locked inside the house. lol.
   
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Re: Girlfriend situation: worth it or not? - June 4th 2010, 02:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkSeph View Post
If your family have been over-protective and have so much concern about how this will impact your future and such, I find it hard to believe they'd really turn their backs on you forever. Personally it sounds more like a control-method to me. They might feel if they threaten you with something as harsh as abandoning you, that you will be too scared and won't go against their wishes. The problem is, if they show even a little support it might (in their minds) mean you feel a little safer and would go for it. People can be strange =/

Since you have the support of your gf and your gf's family, it might be worth it to go for it. It would also help your own self confidence a lot to make your own choices. It doesn't have to be permanent, maybe just temporary to see how it goes. Time can work wonders and eventually your family might realize they care too much to lose you forever because of their stubbornness.

Best of luck and really hope it all turns out well.
That's exactly what I thought too. It seemed too unrealistic for them to just ditch me like that. I thought it was way out of line though when they said that they'd rather I take drugs or drink too much or whatever. I guess they were too caught up in the moment to think about what they're saying.

But anyway, thank you =)
I'm counting on a happy ending eventually. lol.
   
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