Coming out on my birthday!

[Kaisada]

No, it hasn't happened yet. I thought I'd ask some people for advice, or something.

So, my friends are apparently planning a 'big surprise' for me for my birthday in 2 days (aka, please folks if you are going to respond, do so before it's over). As we're all busy and diligent college students, this is probably one of the very few times in the whole year where I'll get to be around all of them at the same time for a good few hours (the cafeteria doesn't count..) - really, they're the only people I can call friends in this city. There arn't many of them, although we've gotten quite close over the school year. Close enough for them to bother with throwing me a party, which is something I don't exactly get.

I've noticed that, the fact that I'm not out to these people whom I value in my life, is bothering me a lot. My friends back in my hometown know, and while they still tend to slip up on pronouns and say stuff like 'you're a ____ until you get your surgery, I'm sorry but that's how the world works', it's the fact that they know how I feel inside that counts. I used to ask myself what's the point of coming out if people are going to refer to and address you in the same way as they always have, but in reflection, it seems like that's not the point. Not expecting people to suddenly kick the gender-binary out of their worldview or anything like that. We all have that desire to, but I've learned to be patient - see things from their perspective. It takes time and gradual exposure, a process which my coming out might mark the beginning of for some.

I'll be coming out as genderqueer and trans, with the intention to transition in a few years when financial resources are sufficient. Unfortunately, if I have to be honest, knowing the people that I have in mind, there's no way to get around a 2-hour long explanation of what those terms actually mean. This part is somewhat annoying, but potentially meaningful for them as a learning process, I don't know.

I suppose the reason I want to come out on my birthday is because, it's essentially the start of a new year for me, and one very significant (if not the most) part of this particular new year that wasn't there the year before was the embracing of my trans identity. I feel so different now; indeed new troubles have cropped up, but I've never felt this solid and real to myself. To spend this day pretending to be something I'm not, and being appreciated as a friend that's not 'really' there, is quite a regrettable thought. This is worded badly, but I'm sure you fellow LGBT folks know what I mean.

The only thing that's really holding me back is, what if one or more of them takes it badly? That's one special day practically ruined for all of us, then. I think this may be untactful timing.

I can't decide. Advice?

[her_beautiful_mistake]

If that is what you want to do, do it. I personally would not because I would want to just enjoy my birthday. As you said you are going to have to explain this. I'd consider it untactful. But on the other hand will you enjoy your birthday with this looming over you?

Do you not live as your chosen gender then? Are you intending to do this?

I'd probably come out today. Yes today. Call everyone you can to tell them and tell the rest in a massive facebook letter, this is what one of my friends did (coincidentally they also set up a new facebook account in their chosen gender and name, deleted their other one). Then everyone at your birthday will know and everyone there will be supportive of you.

However this is a pretty big thing and you should do it the way that you want to.

[pixietheangel]

Its great that you know who you are and what you want. If you have the confidence to come out on your birthday i think thats great and the whole new year think is an awesome outlook to have. However it is a prety big thing for people to take in so mabye its best you warn people before hand or tell your close friends first? jsut so that you have some support if people dont take it as well as they should. Im not saying there goign to react badly but just in case you might want their moral support. Theres nothing wrong with it. Liek the other poster suggested perhaps coming out slightyl before your birthday will give people time to adjust but then again it is about you and you should do it the way you feel best doing it. ok good luck xxxx tell me how it went <3 love pixie <3

[Kaisada]

I really like the idea of sending out a Facebook message, well, today. I'm quite curious to see how the attendance is going to turn out after this.

Unfortunately, none of these people know. The only person who has really been given any hint, is known in every branch of our group for being slow as hell.

[Soliloquy]

Hey!

First off, congratulations for taking the step to come out! I can understand the significance of coming out around your birthday for you and what it symbolizes. Have you decided to inbox everybody on Facebook today? If so, I wish you the best of luck!

Dropping hints can be tricky, and yes, it's true that not everybody will be so quick to pick up on them. Try not to get discouraged. While perhaps a more difficult task, telling people outright can be liberating as there is no beading around the bush any longer and no room for confusion. (That is, confusion that is a byproduct of iffy communication.) I'm not sure how you are living your life at the moment, but I think by coming out now you will be giving yourself a greater opportunity to be precisely who you are in the near future.

I personally don't find this to be untactful because, well, I'm not entirely sure that there's a "good" time to break big news like this to anybody. I'm certainly not trying to imply that they will react badly, but you may surprise a few people and perhaps catch them off guard. The only reason I would refrain from doing it on or near your birthday is if, like Rachel said, you wanted to simply enjoy your party without any possible complications. But there's also the possibility, as Rachel also alluded to, that you would have difficulty enjoying yourself with this hanging over your head.

Either way, this is your decision. Telling them ahead of time might give them time to prepare, I do agree. And no matter what happens, we will be here for you! Good luck! You're very courageous to want to do this. I applaud you!

[her_beautiful_mistake]

The great thing about a facebook message is that you can explain everything, this is what my friend did Did you do it? I wish you luck in whatever you decide!

[Kaisada]

Yes, I did. I'm nervous as hell. I'll let you know how it all turns out though. Possible responses and the party, if they don't end up cancelling it.

[Celestial.]

Hey there.

I think it's amazing that you did that, and I really hope that they react well. If they're really your friends, they won't cancel the party because of this.

Let us know how it goes.

[her_beautiful_mistake]

Update on how it went?!

[Kaisada]

Hey, sorry, exam period came rolling around and I more or less put everything on hold to start camping out at the library. (Thankfully, that also means barely noticing any feelings of dysphoria, and couldn't have the energy to care less if people acknowledges me as the wrong gender.)

It turned out great, actually. Pretty much everyone offered some form of positive feedback; two people in particular really went out of their way to respect my pronoun choice - that was amazing! I know I am very fortunate, and that this doesn't happen too often in general.

Thank you so much for your advice, Rachel. Couldn't have done it properly without you.

[her_beautiful_mistake]

So glad it went well. Good luck with your exams

[Celestial.]

Originally Posted by Kaisada

Hey, sorry, exam period came rolling around and I more or less put everything on hold to start camping out at the library. (Thankfully, that also means barely noticing any feelings of dysphoria, and couldn't have the energy to care less if people acknowledges me as the wrong gender.)

It turned out great, actually. Pretty much everyone offered some form of positive feedback; two people in particular really went out of their way to respect my pronoun choice - that was amazing! I know I am very fortunate, and that this doesn't happen too often in general.

Thank you so much for your advice, Rachel. Couldn't have done it properly without you.

I'm so happy for you. Having supportive friends makes such a difference, and it sounds like they're really trying to get used to this, and to let you know that they understand. You deserve friends like that.