Coming Out to Parents Letter

[Ellen]

I've decided that the best way for me to come out to my parents is the write a letter to them and have them read it when I'm not around for a few days. I honestly cannot see myself telling them in person.

My question is this: what do I write, and how do I write it? I honestly have never been open to my parents about anything and have no idea how they really are going to react. I suspect that they might have small thoughts that I am gay because they know that I've been slightly involved in the GSA at my school.

[Celestial.]

Hey Ellen.

Writing a letter can be a good - not to mention less stressful - way to come out. If you won't be around for a while after they read it, it might give them time to adjust to it, and you won't be putting pressure on them to react right away. Coming out in person is definitely hard, and if you feel that you're really not comfortable with that, a letter can be a good alternative.

As for what to write, I can't tell you that. I don't really know you, or your parents, or how you get on with each other, so I wouldn't be able to give you the right words. I can give you some ideas, though, and you can see what would work for you.

First, try not to beat around the bush. I know it will probably be hard to be open about it, even in writing, and it might even feel strange to write it, but dropping lots of hints and and hesitating might not be the best way to go. Just try and get it out there.

Along the same lines, short and sweet might be a good tactic here. This might come as a shock to your parents, and overloading them with information probably won't be helpful. So it might be better to just give them the basics, and invite them to ask you questions if they have any.

Make it clear that it doesn't change who you are as a person, and that you're still the daughter they've always known. You could even point out that you're telling them this because you trust them, and that you hope that even if they don't really approve, they'll trust your judgment, and be happy for you.

Basically, be as honest as you can, make it simple, and speak from the heart.

Good luck with it. Let us know how it goes!

[Ellen]

Here is my first shot at it :/ Oh, and I haven't edited it yet, so it may not flow well.



Where do I begin? This honestly should not be all the difficult to write or read, but it unfortunately might be. I’m actually really hoping for a shrug of the shoulders and a “so what?” type of response. I have no idea if you have noticed or not, but I have been active in my college’s GSA for awhile now and have met and kept in contact with a few of the members outside of the group. Dr. Bahner, my psychology instructor and one of the leaders of the group, has also really helped me realize that what I am about to tell you, or what you are most likely thinking by now, is okay. Mom, Dad…I’m gay.

Now, to be honest, I have no idea how you are going to react to this little bit of information about myself. I, honestly, feel that we are not connected well when it comes to discussing “issues” like this. I am hoping that maybe this little bit of information about me brings about more open communication between us.

I understand that you may be questioning why and how I came to this conclusion. You might be asking yourself “well, what about David, Tanner, and Robert?” To be honest, I never really felt comfortable in those relationships. I always found myself overcompensating on how I was supposed to feel and never really felt all that connected to the person. I felt like I was really around an overbearing friend that wanted me to give them more love and affection than I should be giving, so I guess I always over did it. I never got the initial butterflies that most people get at the start of a relationship; I just really pushed myself hard enough to fake it.
When did I start thinking about this? As far as the when goes, it’s a hard story. I got picked on for people thinking I was gay early in high school and never really told anyone about it. Early in high school, I never really thought about getting into a relationship. I guess I never really had the chance to explore my sexuality until after a few relationships feeling terrible with a guy and being around a supportive group of people that sent the message of “it’s perfectly acceptable.” I really started questioning my sexuality seriously several months ago while I was still in a relationship with Robert and continued to question it for a little while after. I told but one person I was questioning my sexuality and that was a week before coming to the realization. I came out to pretty much everyone on March 25th.

I’m happier now, to be honest. I’m still the same person that you know and love and really hope that this makes our relationship stronger rather than weaker. Being gay is really just as much a part of me as being straight is to a straight person. I don’t really want to be treated differently and yes, I am sure of my realization. Please remember this does not change who I am and that, yes, I am very sure of my realization. This is not just some “faze” that I am going through. I have done a lot of soul searching this year. Being gay is not a choice and it does not make a person defective. Also, please do not think that the people around me “turned me gay.” I had help from others in coming to terms with myself, but it not because of them that I am gay. I am hoping that you are accepting of this letter and are happy that I have found nothing but a supportive environment to really just be who I am.

I honestly do love you guys and hope that this grows rather than hinders our relationship.

-Ellen

[her_beautiful_mistake]

I think that letter is very honest.

If I were going to say anything though -- you're making it a big deal. Your letter is making it "I know this is a big deal". I'm not saying having this conversation isn't a big deal or that this isn't a massive thing in your life, because I know it is. But the way you present something can have a big difference. You're presenting this as a big deal so they're more likely to take it as a big deal. When I told my parents I just called them up and said "I just wanted to let you know I'm seeing a girl. As in dating a girl. Anyway, what's the weather like". And yeah I'm sure it was a big thing for them but I made it not a big deal between us in the way I presented it.

Just something to think about.

[Paddy]

Hello, writing a letter is fantastic, only because i wrote one my self when i 'came out' too my parents.
i went out for a little while, let them read the letter ect and they just text me saying. you can come home now, dont worry about it

What to write - something short and brief i found was help full, get straight to the point. tell them you don't want them to make you feel awkward when you come home, and just treat it like any other day. it's what i did

last of all, good luck and enjoy it.. you'll feel so good once it's off your chest

[Hatred.]

Hmm. I'm a bit clueless when it comes to dealing with parents, because my mother gave me up when I was very small and the family raising me is... not your model family. The only person I have come out to was my best friend. I wrote it in a note, and then cried like a baby in the middle of class. She is the closest thing I have to an honest-to-God family, so I guess that might apply...