soooo confused

[Cammygirl]

hi there.

my issue may be simple for some, but it still makes me very very confused.
i've been dating a girl for almost 2 years. we've been also living together for 1.5 years. introduced her to my family and stuff, and basically we now share the same friends as well. we kinda live like a family already, i work and she studies, and you know, all the grown-up relationship stuff (she's 26, i'm 22).

the thing is: i was never in my life sexually attracted to any guys. i might have been attracted to boys in general but that was cause i was lonely at the time and they paid attention to me (as a friend). however, i never wanted to kiss any, let alone having sex with any. i find the female body much more beautiful and i couldn't have imagined i would be ever attracted to a man.
the problem is that now i have a guy around me that is so different from any guys i have known. he is sweet and really seems to pay attention to me all the time. he also makes me laugh a lot. we work on the same place (another bummer) and during work i often find ourselves just chatting instead of working... and then recently i realised that i might feel more than just liking him as a friend...

i know that, first of all, i love my girlfriend more than anything in this whole world, i just don't know if i love her the same way i used to. it hurts to say this and even to think this, but recently when we made out i imagined her to be him. i don't know if this causes the issue, but from the two of us, i've always paid more attention to her than she did to me. now i receive a whole lot of attention from him that i really enjoy. i still hope for the best, that this is the only problem, and that if she pays more attention to me my feeling for him would go away.

but, furthermore i now do not know who i am. again. and this is shit. being a lesbian is a foundation of my personality and how i define myself. now that he came into the picture i am confused again. i admire people who do not need labels for themselves, but i do need them in order to understand myself.

gah. if you have read it until this point, thank you already, even more, if you have any advice possibly...

[ink-knight]

Hi Cammy--

I feel I can relate, I've been out for 3 years almost 4 and I sometimes have the fear that some girl will come by and change my mind. It's terrifying isn't it?

I'm not sure what exactly I can tell you besides that your feelings are valid. I would recommend trying to work things out with your girlfriend if they have been so delightful so far. Maybe you could try to hand out with your girlfriend and coworker at the same time. That could cause friction, but it might help clarify your feelings.

Take your time and let us know how things are,
Ink

[TheCrowing]

I really have the same advice as ink-knight. I've always identified as a lesbian, but I actually fell for one of my guy friends once. When we finally admitted our feelings for each other, I was already in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. And even to this day, I love him and he loves me, but we never did anything more than just be friends. We talked about how we feel about each other, but we realized that it would just be easier to just let it be.

Honestly, it's really up to you to figure these things out. My girlfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me when we were going into college just in case, and she likes a guy now. It hurts, but I understand. It's really your decision.

[Cammygirl]

thanks guys. it means a lot. the issue is i'm not even sure he likes me, i'm just sure that i like him (or the way he acts with me?)... anyway as i see it right now, i will definitely not break up with my gf due to such a situation.
i'm not convinced what would be the best solution, really... even thinking about my reawakened sexuality confusion causes me a headache and makes me extremely nervous....

[TheCrowing]

Totally understandable though. If I were you, I'd try not to focus on gender so much though. It's just going to make things harder for you in the long run.

[Cammygirl]

i completely agree, and thank you. yet, as i was saying i feel that i need to label myself to understand myself. i'm a recovering BPD patient and i know that without my gf or my lesbian self-definition i wouldn't have developed so much.
by the way, i really thank even those who took the time to read this. even writing it all out of myself helped me.