Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Career vs Kids and Fiance? Male vs Female?

[Bagheera Kiplingi]

I'm not sure where this goes so if it's in the wrong forum please move it.

So as some of you know I have been looking into what career I want and I've been seriously considering Ecology, it's prefect for me and everything but there is just one problem, if I go I will be gone for months and not be able to see my family much....and here is where the LBGT comes in.

I have considered myself as a transgender (FtM) for a very long time now but since I got engaged to a really wonderful guy and we started talking about kids I sort of....just accepted the fact that I'm going to stay female. I mean whats the point being a FtM anyways? Unless there is some new studies out there I'm pretty sure they can't attach a working penis to a woman (not to offend anybody).....So I have accepted it.

But heres the thing, if I do decide do go into Ecology then whats the point in staying a woman? I would never be able to see my kids, I would miss their birthdays hell I wouldn't even really know them, I would be the worst mother ever so if I want to go into Ecology then I will have to give up being a mother.... So I'm sure you see my confusion

If I go with my dream job then that means no kids, if I decide to be a mother then that means I'm going to be unhappy about my career......And also as amazing as my fiance is, he really wants children and I don't think he would be able to handle it if I took away his chance to be a father.....and another problem would be that as a women I like men, I like the idea of sex with men but as a man.....well as I can find some men attractive I don't find being a gay man attractive (again not to offend anybody, I just mean that I don't fancy myself as a gay man) which means I'm a pansexual female but a straight male.....very confusing I know but that's what I am....

So I have a choice to be made....if I go with my career then that means no kids, will possibly lose my fiance and will go for the FtM hormones, if I go with being female then I will lose the career I want, be unhappy but not only my job but my gender but will end up with kids and an amazing man.....


What do I do? I know you can't decide for me but I'm just really confused about this....and the worst part is sometimes I'm happy being a woman and the thought of kids of course is a good one but....I think that I have suppressed my desire to be male so far that I'm actually able to forget about it sometimes.....
I know this is really long but I just needed to get what's going on across.

[Soliloquy]

Hey there!

I'm going to try to respond to your concerns in the best way I can. I'm going to start with your engagement and how this affects your transition process. I want you to remember that getting married does not mean compromising yourself and your desires for the other person. Is your fiancé aware that you consider yourself transgender? Do you think he would be supportive if he were to find out? If you feel most comfortable as a male, then I think that is how you should live your life. I understand the concern of children, but keep in mind that there are many ways to have kids nowadays. Even gay couples can have kids! You can adopt or get a surrogate mother (if carrying a child to term would make you too dysphoric). And if your fiancé loves you, I'm sure he'd support you no matter what you chose to do. I think it'd be best to bring up this now before you get too deep into the relationship. Never should you have to sacrifice who you are for your significant other. Remaining female won't do anyone any good if it only makes you unhappy.

I know that transitioning now may feel impossible, but there are many options out there that will help you through this process. There are methods, some that require surgery and some that don't, that will help you to become the man you envision yourself to be. I would look into this and see what comes up! I think you'll be surprised at what we can do nowadays. You may want to research sex reassignment surgeries, or items like packers or STP (stand to pee) devices that enable a person who is FtM to feel a bit more comfortable in his skin. No, it's not perfect, but I think we're definitely progressing.

As for your career, do you want to be mother, in all honesty? I think this is something else that you should discuss with your fiancé. It's okay to feel differently about this and to express how you feel. Relationships are a give and take, and I don't think you should have kids solely because your fiancé wants them. Kids are a commitment, and yes, they are draining.

You talked about the possibility of losing your fiancé. I think you should take a minute to process this. Would you be unhappy if you married your fiancé, remained a female, and gave up your job to have kids? I'd recommend talking this over with him first and not jumping to the worst case scenario; I'm sure you both would try to work this out in the best possible way you can. But if it does come to that, sometimes when people want very different things out of life, they have to make the mature and adult decision to go their separate ways. Sometimes, love just isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Regardless, it would be very hard, yes. But I get the impression that your fiancé believes he is marrying a very different person -- a woman who wants a family. I do think it would be best to be honest with him about who you are and what you want out of life up front, so he is not misled (even unintentionally).

In regards to your sexuality: I don't believe that we can always choose who we are attracted to. So, if you do choose to transition as a male, you may find yourself still attractive to other guys. I understand that the thought of being "gay" seems very unappealing to you. But I'm not sure it'd be anything you could really help, any more than any other gay person can. It sounds like you would have to go through the process of accepting your sexuality, like a lot of LGBT members have to do. That's okay! Remember that there is nothing wrong with whatever you end up as.

I hope this helps a bit! Take care!