What do I do?

[JustAGirl_]

My best friend is a boy. He's into fashion and stuff and I guess you could say he was quite 'feminine', but I've never seen him as anything more than just him - who he is. It's never really crossed my mind that he might be gay or whatever, but people in school obviously have.

There's a group of boys in my year and they've been saying things to him, like threatening to beat him up and verbally abuse him. My friend isn't in any of my classes, so I can't really stand up for him and I have witnessed anything physically happen to him.

But last week, my friend had a huge cut on his wrist, so I pulled him aside and asked what happened, he said he fell, but I eventually managed to get it out of him that he self-harmed. I started crying, which probably wasn't the best reaction, but I knew immediately it was because of the bullying. So, we skipped 5th period and talked. I asked him if it was because they were calling him gay, he basically started crying and said; "Would you hate me if I was?" Which of course, I would never do. So I hugged him etc. and tried to console him. So basically, he came out. I think.

The next day I was in Religious Studies and boys behind me were talking about him, like threatening to 'pummel him' and 'break his f*ggot ass*. I basically turned around and said that if they ever dared to lay a finger on him, they'd basically never have children.

But, I just feel like I completely let him down. If I'd just been there for him or noticed how different his behavior had become, maybe I would've been able to stop him from self harming and reported it to the school quicker. Like, I'm not entirely sure about my own sexuality at the moment and I've been so hung up and worrying about that, I guess I missed all the signals he might have been sending and I just feel sick because I feel like maybe I could have done something.

Although the teachers in the school have been alerted about the issues, when we walk down the halls or in the cafeteria, people still shout slurs at him and I can see just how scared he is. He is completely adamant he doesn't want to go to the teachers again, but I'm so scared he could hurt himself again. I just feel like I've completely failed him.

I don't know how to make him feel better and I don't know how to make the bullying stop and I have no clue how I can try to stop him self-harming.

[Chris.]

First off I just want to tell you that this is NOT your fault; and there really isnt much you could have done. Unfortunalty we all go through different forms of verbal abuse throughout our life.

There isnt much you can do to make him feel better; the only think you can do is make sure he knows you are there. Comfort him and tell him you are always there for him. Thats all you can do.

And Im sorry to tell you, the bullying will proabably continue for awhile - but I promise, eventually it will stop ( I know that doesnt make you feel better but its true). As far as the self harm, He is trying to find a way to relieve his pain and he is trying to understand what is wrong with himself right now. The only thing you can do is tell him your there for him. It will be vertually impossable for you to stop him from self harm if he really wants to do it.

The only thing I want to really say here, is that please realize none of this is your fault. Also realize that you wont be able to always be there for him (which you wont), so just let him know that you are here with open arms 24/7 and that should comfort him alittle.

Best wishes,
Chris

[Chasers]

Hey there,

It isn't your fault by any means.

Bullying is tough, and sometimes it isn't always best to stick in because then both of you will get bullied. Now let me ask you this, is there a trusted adult you can go to about the bullying issue? I know teachers can be such a pain sometimes.

With the cutting, the best thing you can do is be there for him and let him know you are there for him.

As for the sexuality bit, what if you went and talked to him about it and you two figured that out together? It makes the journey sooo much easier when you have a friend, I know that from experience. And is there a safe place for you to go? Like a club at school? or even an outside organization?

Feel free to PM about me anything. I came out when I was 17 and I was a self harmer all through out high school. Its not always easy, but take the path together and be there for each other, rather than separate paths.

~ Chasers

[tithe_girl]

I want to echo the others in saying that none of this is your fault at all. Sadly, there isn’t much you can do to control this situation, but you can make it easier on him by being there for him.
Of course he’s going through hard times right now because of the bullying, but I’m sure the fact that he could come out to you and trust you lifted a large weight off of his shoulders, and now that he has you to talk to he may not have as strong of an urge to self harm anymore. Also, if he seems to be having problems accepting his sexuality or if you just feel like he may benefit from talking to other people I would highly suggest telling him about these forums, it could be really good for him.
The only suggestion I have about the bullying would be to go to a school counselor if he feels comfortable. It sounds like your school isn’t being all that supportive, but even more than teachers it’s a school counselors job to deal with situations like these. If that doesn’t work and your friend is open to it I would go to another adult outside the school for help. It’s not ideal, but the teachers may take it more seriously if an adult comes in from the outside and complains.
I really hope everything works out for your friend, and you are a great friend for caring about him enough to come on here for advice. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me =)

[notwhoithinkiam]

I second everyone else, but I do suggest that you keep an eye on him as self harm can be extremely dangerous, if you notice anything really extreme (possibly life threatening) or his thoughts go furthur than self harm, you must alert one the supportive adults in his life (hopefully a parent if possible that he is out to, otherwise a guidance counselor or a well trusted teacher). He is going to go through a tough time, being hauled out of the closet like that is hell, especially when a few ignorant morons decide it is their duty to make this more difficult. You are doing the right things by sticking up for him when possible and being there for him afterwords when you cant stick up for him.