In a bind

[Silverline]

Ok so I’m not sure exactly where to post this but I’m engaged to this wonderful lovely guy and we’re very much in love with each other. Before we dated I seriously considered getting a sex change….like I want to be a guy and I had absolutely never told anybody this nor wrote it down. But one day he said that he had a secret that he wanted to tell me. And believe it or not he told me that before we were together he had already planned and was going to start getting ready for a sex change too!!!! He seemed so afraid and embarrassed as he told me this..so you might imagine the shock on his face when I smiled and gave him a big hug and kiss. It was so weird that we both wanted sex changes and things seemed lighter. We started planning out how we were going to get sex changes together and everything seemed good until we got to the subject of the children. He’s afraid of how it would affect our children so he wants to hurry up and get a sex change right after we have them. But the thing is that I want to be “Mommy” for a little while first and we kept having arguments about it so I called off the sex changes. But then he hit this deep depression that hurts me so bad to watch and I still want the sex change too. But I’m afraid to bring it up now. What do I do?

[Amber]

Putting off the sex changes until after the children seems like a good idea. But who's to say that after you both have children you're going to love being the gender that you are? Being a mom is an amazing experience, as is being a father, and maybe if you both were in these roles then you would both be comfortable enough to stay the way you are. Bring the idea up to him and see how he feels about it. Otherwise I'm sure you both could come up with a compromise and work something out! It's not everyday that you find someone with the same wish as you.

(I hope you didn't read that as me trying to talk to you out of the process, if it's what you want to do - go for it!! I would support it either way.)

[Nicole!]

I agree, that putting it off until after you have children may be best. Remember that your kids might not even remember, although they may be confused for a while. I think waiting is best because then you can figure out whether you really do think it would be best to get the sex change or not. Then you both can try the roles of mom and dad, and see which role you both fit best.

[Silverline]

You didn't get what I was asking. He thinks that it's best for me to get my sex change right after I have the children but I want to wait longer afterward than he does

[Soliloquy]

Hi Candice,

May I ask why you and your fiancé feel you have to get sex changes at the same time? People transition at many different rates and the rate in which you transition may not be the same as your fiancé. He may desire to start sooner, while you may want to wait a bit after having children. I don't see anything wrong with either of these approaches. Maybe you want to sit down and have a talk with him. Let him know that you want him to transition at his pace, and you would appreciate it if he would allow you to transition at your own as well. If he is truly unhappy as his biological sex, then he may not wish to wait as you do, and I don't see a reason why your waiting should impact either of you.

I know that he seemed to worry about it affecting the children. But keep in mind that your kids may not even remember. Or, they may be confused for a little while, but as they older, explanations can be given. Kids can take a lot, and they're probably more likely to be accepting if you get it when they're younger anyway. Children often idolize their parents and are more oblivious to the social pressures and implications that you may see as a result of being transgender. That is not to say that their well-being should not be taken into account, but just remember that your happiness is important as well. No matter what you choose to do, being either a father or a mother is a very rewarding experience, as Amber said.

Remember that no matter the situation, communication is important in a relationship. I think it's fantastic that you two were able to share this information with each other. It is truly great that you support each other like this! You are still very young and not even married yet, so keep this in mind as well. You may want to get through your wedding before you seriously discuss children further. Be sure to keep the communication open!

Hope this helps! Happy holidays!