Non-PG13: What should I do? I am so sexually confused..

[KenworthsCoughdrop94]

I got very curious about sex around age 11.
At that time I often wondered about both lesbian and men/woman sex.
It started hitting me hard at age 13, I started having strong attractions toward men and I started getting extremely curious about girls. I had just started my period around this time, so I kind of figured it was just my hormones going wack. So I started trying to deny myself of this, and ignore it.
Because I was taught that it was wrong to love the same sex when I was little, I ignore it now, but even if I was bisexual, I couldn't tell my parents, and I support gay rights, I just say I don't so I don't have to fight with my parents.. So basically I have this, "I dislike gays" false lie so my parents don't go crazy on me, even though I try to explain to them it's a genetic issue, and not their choice but they never believe me. -.-'

Anyways.. heh..

I continued to ignore it through ages 11-14.
I started asking on that Yahoo! Answers, and they said it was just normal curiosity. Okay, so I kept trying to ignore it and it the feelings and wondering would fade.
At age 15 I started having the lovely sex dreams.
I started dreaming I was the guy, and I was having sex with a woman.
But I was dating a guy, ( I wasn't a virgin.. )
I constanly wondered what it would feel like to be "the guy" in the bedroom, if that makes sense, I wanted to know what it felt like to feel a girl, touch her, ect.

I ignored it again.
And I hardly noticed it until the last.. probably 10 months.
I've had celebertie crushes left and right, all girls (I mean some guys but 80% girls.)
I talked to my boyfriend about it, because he had asked because apperantly I was checking a girl out and didn't even realize I did and he busted me doing so? And I said no, and he didn't believe me because I guess I kept doing it.
Me and my boyfriend, when we were in the bedroom, he tried something.
He started talking dirty about girls, like trying to see if I'd 'get off' or anything. I blacked out because I was so into it he said, because I barely remember any of it.

He's done it a few times and I black out everytime he does.

I started wondering then.
Well as of lately, I've busted myself checking girls out, and I'm watching girl on girl heh, porn out of curiosity.
I've busted myself day dreaming of having sex with girls..

I'm so confused.

I am no doubt bisexual, but I am in serious denial about it.
How can I word this..
I am kind of mentally okay with it, but I cannot get myself to admit it. If that makes sense.

I want to try to kiss a girl, even experiment. I've talked to my boyfriend, and he honestly doesn't care if I do because he knows I'm lost. But I don't want to because I feel like I'd be cheating.

I LOVE my boyfriend, I mean I seriously love him to death, and the thought of ever leaving him kills me.
I have a promise ring and everything but this girl thing is eating me alive inside, like something is hiding inside.
I like guys, no doubt about that.
But this girl thing.. it's been going on to long to just be a fluke I'd think.

Lately my urges to kiss a girl have been so strong I cannot bare it.
I don't know what I have to do.
I don't ever want to leave my boyfriend, I love him with everything.

I feel like this is so complicated, but I guess it is.
It's so hard to explain this all.
I hope someone can make sense of this, and can help me.

Thank you for reading this long post! lol

[Amberpamber]

I would talk to your bf about this, reassure him that you're not leaving him but that you have these urges that you wanna explore. Maybe he'll allow you to test the waters a little so that maybe you can put your mind at ease. It's something to consider. Hope it works out for you.

[Colored Shadows]

Hey Rickayla,

The first thing I want to say is not to feel pressured to "prove" you're bisexual. Remember, you don't have to have had any experience with another girl in order to know you're bi (although it sounds like you already know that), so if you love your boyfriend, it's perfectly okay to stay with him for as long as it works with him and not experiment. If you're happy, then that's what matters the most.

However, it sounds like your boyfriend is very open to allowing you to figure out your sexuality. If you feel like you experimenting is something you need to do for yourself, I would talk to him about it again. Let him know that you love him and wouldn't leave him for anything, and make sure he's still okay with it.

I know you said that you'd feel like you were cheating if you were to experiment. It sounds like you're very loyal to your boyfriend and I want to commend you for that! I would share this concern with him as well. Maybe you can come up with some kind of arrangement that will help ease your conscience. For example, if you experiment with a girl, you could come back and tell your boyfriend everything that happened. But it all really depends on what you and your boyfriend feel is appropriate and what is most comfortable for both of you.

But if you really feel you have a moral problem with experimenting, then you might want to ask yourself if it's worth it. There's no sense in making yourself feel guilty about it, as experimentation should leave you free to discover a new part of yourself. Not to mention that a feeling of guilt surrounding it could tamper with the "results." Although it sounds as though you don't want to leave your boyfriend under any circumstances, you might want to consider asking him to take a break while you experiment, if you feel it's that much of an issue for you. That way, you know you're not cheating on him. If not, you might want to try relieving your sexual tension for girls in a different way.

I hope this helps! Best of luck and take care!!