I want to come out as trans and gay to my mom.

[vampirebat]

I really want to come out to her so I can be more open about who I like and who I am, especially since recently she's been becoming more of a mother after failing that role in my early childhood- but I also don't want to push it, because I am in a highly homophobic and transphobic state, and I don't know her views and opinions on the LGBTQIA+ community. There's a certain quote that I prefer to live by, and that being: "You don't have to come out to anyone in terms of sexuality, it isn't really anyone's business and you shouldn't have to waste your time with people who won't support it." you know, stuff like that. But I just want to feel more open, more connected. And I can't fight this urge telling me to inform her that this is who I am.

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I definitely understand wanting to tell your mom about this. It's a huge part of your life!

You said you don't know your mom's views and opinions on this. Is there anything you can do to kind of get a gauge on how she may react? For example, think of scenarios where there are gay or trans people in movies/TV shows, books, on the news, etc. Bring up something you've heard from one of those sources and see how she reacts. If she doesn't react well, you know that it may not be safe for you to come out right now. Hopefully she reacts well and shows that she may be a safe person to come out to.

You can either tell her in person or through a letter, text, email, etc. If you talk to her in person I would make sure she is in a good mood at the time and try and find somewhere the two of you can talk privately without interruptions. I'd start out by saying that you have something important to tell her and that you would appreciate it if she listened to what you have to say. Then you can explain that you are gay and trans and what this means to you. If there is anything she can do to support you, this is a good time to say this as well. Your mom might have questions for you, but only answer what you are comfortable with.

The option of telling her through something like a letter or text is also okay because it allows you to get everything out without nerves or interruptions getting in the way. She still may want to talk to you afterwards, but at least you have made your initial points to her. Think about everything you'd want her to know and try and put it in that letter. You can either hand it to her directly (or send the text) or leave it somewhere she'll find it but nobody you don't want knowing will.

I know you said that you live in a highly homophobic and transphobic state, and I am sorry to hear about that. Do you know if your school has any resources for LGBTQ+ students, such as a gay-straight alliance, or would that be something that wouldn't even be discussed where you are? If there are any resources around, maybe you can take advantage of those.

I hope your mom reacts well if you do tell her! I wish you the best of luck.

Dez

[Ambedo.]

Hi there,

I can definitely understand why you want to come out to your mom! Your gender identity and sexual orientation are both huge parts of who you are and it makes perfect sense that you would want to share that with people in your life.

Making the decision to come out can be really difficult when you're unsure of how someone is likely to react. I had a similar experience prior to coming out to my parents. One thing that was really helpful for me was finding ways to slip LGBTQ+ topics into conversation as a means of gauging their responses. For instance, I would bring up news stories that centered around the LGBTQ+ community or would put on a TV show or movie that featured LGBTQ+ characters. While it didn't give me a perfect understanding of what their response would look like, it did give me an indication about their general views on the LGBTQ+ community. That information really helped me decide whether or not it was safe to come out to them. Perhaps you can try something similar to give yourself peace of mind that your mom will be a safe person for you to come out to.

I hope she responds with love, kindness, and acceptance if you do choose to come out to her. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything!