Being mindful of the word "should"

[TeenHelp]

Being mindful of the word "should"
By Cassie (cynefin)

The word "should" is something that many people hear throughout their recovery whether they're recovering from abuse, self-harm, or other events and addictions. Sometimes you may use this word through self-talk while other times you could hear it used by the people around you.

Using the word "should" can sometimes be negative and cause a long lasting impact on the recovering individual. Many months ago, I was frustrated and told my therapist that I "should be over this by now." He suggested watching my use of that word and it has opened my eyes throughout my recovery. This article will discuss different aspects of being mindful of this word.

Using "should"

As mentioned above, you may hear the word "should" when speaking to yourself of when being spoken to by others. Some examples include "I should be over this by now", "I shouldn't have to do this", or "Their [situation] was worse, so I should be okay". Other examples may be "You should be doing x, y, and z" or "You should be better already". The first set of examples show self-talk while the second set depicts something you may hear people say.

Using the word "should" often has a long lasting impact because it is a way of setting high expectations for yourself that may not be realistically attainable at that time. For example, saying "I should be better by now" is harmful in that you are putting a time frame on your recovery. Recovery is different for everyone; everyone heals in their own time and in their own way.

Why being mindful is beneficial

Being mindful of your usage of the word "should" may help decrease your expectations over time while allowing you to create goals that are more realistic. In a nutshell, it can decrease anxiety or other negative feelings you are experiencing about your recovery.

The conscious and subconscious listen to self-talk regardless of whether it is positive or negative. If you continually tell yourself that you "should" be something, you are likely to believe it in time. If you re-frame those thoughts into something more lenient, however, you can slowly shift your outlook.

How to refrain from using it negatively

Practice being mindful. It is easier said than done, but being aware of your thoughts will allow you to work on them when necessary. Practice being aware of what you're thinking about yourself.

Re-frame your thoughts. If you are aware of a comment you've made towards yourself, change it into something positive. For example, instead of saying "I should be recovered by now" say "I will recover in my own time". This allows you to know that you will recover in time which has a positive or neutral connotation as opposed to the word "should."

Try using affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements that are repeated when you need a reminder during your recovery. Though it can sometimes feel redundant, repeating them to yourself can help you believe them over time. Affirmations could include statements such as "I am worthy", or "I am capable of doing [task]."

Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to other people can be easy to do, but know that there is no fair playing field. Everyone is different and this means that they are affected differently by life events. Having such different circumstances in the world means that you can't get a true comparison.

Set realistic goals. Many people who are battling mental health issues are perfectionists. If you are a perfectionist and often set high expectations or goals that are not easily attainable, try to change them one goal at a time. Lowering your expectations can give you a larger sense of accomplishment.

Know what recovery means to you. What does recovery mean to you personally? Maybe it means learning how to cope and using those skills throughout your life. Perhaps it means being mostly free of your struggles. Revisiting what recovery means to you can help you set realistic goals.

When other people use "should"

Often it can be even more difficult to work on yourself when you have someone else telling you what you should and should not do or be. If someone in your life frequently talks to you in this way, consider talking to them about how this makes you feel if possible.

If talking to the person is not possible or has an unfavorable outcome, choose an affirmation you like and replace it in your mind whenever someone says you should or shouldn't do something. Remind yourself that you can make your own decisions and that what is best for the person speaking to you isn't necessarily what is best for you. Know that while you cannot control what someone says, you can control what you do with what is said to you. Remember that you can choose whether or not you want to work through what has been said to you.

Using self-help techniques when someone talks to you in this way can help but you may benefit more from being away from the behavior. Distance yourself or avoid the person when you are able to. If you feel discouraged about being spoken to this way, try to view this person as motivation to become healthier.

This is quite insightful and using should is definitely something I need to be more mindful of.

[KyCoo]

Yes. By using positive words assertively, you attract a lot of positive energy around you.