shaky relationship

Icarus · **shaky relationship -** April 23rd 2012, 11:50 PM

I've been with my gf for over a year now, she self harmed when i first met her and has only recently stopped. she is very sensitive. she always seems to get upset over silly things like me not going online to talk even for one night and it's only recently I've realized how controlling she is. at the start of the relationship she asked me what i found, attractive and i answered honestly thinking this was best. she ticked most but not all of the boxes, this is something she has a go at me about even now as i type this. she is very insecure and doesn't think she is good enough etc but i always seem to be doing something wrong like not kissing her enough or not being interested enough even though i give it my all and tell her everyday how beautiful she is and that i love her. i honestly cant remember the last time we had an evening without her having a go at me for something that i thought i was doing right. she always does things to me that if i did to her she'd go mental about and if i question it she just gets upset saying she's a bitch until i calm her down. recently it's just too much, i can't do anything at all right. recently she even insulted my

skill and got annoyed when i was upset. now i dread her coming over and don't like talking to her. i think i might not love her anymore. but she always says she needs me and she'll probably kill herself if i leave her, she seems serious so that's why i haven't. I've recently become to my disgust a submissive zombie just agreeing with her and accepting blame, never fighting back. i sometimes think i should just send my life unhappy with her, i even once thought this was some kind of punishment and maybe i was meant to stay with her. i can't leave her, i don't know what to do and need help or at least someone to talk to.

MD8 · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 25th 2012, 10:13 AM

The best advice I can give you is talk it out with her. Tell her how you really feel and what the problem is,etc. Try to find a common ground with her.

Jas · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 25th 2012, 10:35 AM

She's emotionally controlling and manipulative and all I can say is GTFO. Leave her. Don't even bother trying to fix it at this point.
I can't promise you that she won't kill herself - hell, she might even make a mediocre attempt in order to 'get you back' - but that is NOT an okay reason for staying in this situation. Get out and don't look back.

Note to those who think I'm being harsh on the chick and that he should try talking to her and improving things (and I'm sure there will be some people who think that) - Personally, I am a very emotionally needy person, and sometimes that impacts my relationships. I also have a shit ton of mental health problems and when I was younger I was probably a bit like the girl he's dating. So it's not that I don't relate to her, hell, I've got sympathy for her and think she probably needs more therapy than she's getting (is she getting any?). It's just that there's no excuse for treating your partner the way this chick is treating the OP, and beyond that it's clear she's ruined any genuine emotions he had for her in the first place.

MD8 · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 25th 2012, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jas

She's emotionally controlling and manipulative and all I can say is GTFO. Leave her. Don't even bother trying to fix it at this point.
I can't promise you that she won't kill herself - hell, she might even make a mediocre attempt in order to 'get you back' - but that is NOT an okay reason for staying in this situation. Get out and don't look back.

Note to those who think I'm being harsh on the chick and that he should try talking to her and improving things (and I'm sure there will be some people who think that) - Personally, I am a very emotionally needy person, and sometimes that impacts my relationships. I also have a shit ton of mental health problems and when I was younger I was probably a bit like the girl he's dating. So it's not that I don't relate to her, hell, I've got sympathy for her and think she probably needs more therapy than she's getting (is she getting any?). It's just that there's no excuse for treating your partner the way this chick is treating the OP, and beyond that it's clear she's ruined any genuine emotions he had for her in the first place.

I do agree with pretty much everything you said, but I think he should at least try to talk it out with her and get her some help , if nothing comes out of it I'm all in for him to GTFO. The problem is I think if she does or attempts to harm herself is he will look back.

Flavalicious · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 25th 2012, 11:47 AM

Welcome to TeenHelp!

Honestly, even if you want to, you can't fix your relationship with her before she's able to fix her own problems. She clearly has issues with herself and if you think she will turn suicidal, you can try to tell her family members just so they can seek for professional help for her.
It's not your responsibility to prevent her from self harming or suicide.

It's time for you to stand up for yourself. There's no point of you continuing your relationship with her if in the end she's just hurting you over and over again. Your situation is not a form of punishment from whoever it is and being happy is your own choice. You deserve someone better and you have the option to leave.

Good luck.

Dervisher · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 25th 2012, 04:05 PM

Step 1:
Attempt to basically tell her most of what you've said here. Tell her that her issues (in this case being controlling among other signs of things like insecurity) etc and give examples, and try to offer support in helping her stop being like that.

If she goes into bitch mode, or opposes what you offer, then you leave her. It is now her problem, and it is unfair for you to have to put up with something you shouldn't have to put up with.

If she accepts that she needs to change, then you go into a very delicate state where you see over time (a week or two, by my guess) if she really is putting effort into changing her ways. If she doesn't, then tell her to go into therapy(Because she's likely unable to fix the problem by herself). If she doesn't accept therapy, leave her.

If she does accept that she needs to change and within a few weeks she's showing great progress, then I think problem is likely to be solved

I think this is the best advice anyone can give for any kind of problem for someone in a relationship, although it's probably missing a few steps and such.

This would be your best bet though, and don't submit to anything. You have to stand up for yourself to be respected (If you stood up for yourself in the first place you two probably wouldn't be dating, which shows that her issues is part of the reason why she likes you in the first place) so reality is if you want to have a positive, productive relationship with her you're going to have to change her to see if you two are even compatible (as when she changes, so will her expectations)

I'd say you're more than enough for her if you learn to stand up for yourself and, basically, be a man. No offense. It's just if you can't challenge her back and let her hear your own opinions and such, then that's an issue you have as well. You need to be heard just as much as she does, and she shouldn't be winning every single verbal battle. There should be some sort of mutual agreement (unless of course you're totally in the wrong, but this isn't the case. And usually it isn't the case.) but a mutual agreement should always lead to englightenment where the other side understands what they've done right/wrong, and it leads to real understanding of each other.

But I digress, good luck to your situation and I hope that my post is factored in when you approach the problem

Edit: Also i'd take into consideration what everyone else said, to add onto this post. I think if you are going to leave her, it'd be best to let her parents know as her safety is of importance and really if she can't help herself become a better person/stop being depressed she'd clearly need therapy anyways. So this'd help off your guilt as you'd have done everything you could to prevent her from suicide, and it wouldn't be so bad.

Icarus · **Re: shaky relationship -** April 27th 2012, 12:36 AM

I'd say you're more than enough for her if you learn to stand up for yourself and, basically, be a man. No offense. It's just if you can't challenge her back and let her hear your own opinions and such, then that's an issue you have as well. You need to be heard just as much as she does, and she shouldn't be winning every single verbal battle. There should be some sort of mutual agreement (unless of course you're totally in the wrong, but this isn't the case. And usually it isn't the case.) but a mutual agreement should always lead to englightenment where the other side understands what they've done right/wrong, and it leads to real understanding of each other.

But I digress, good luck to your situation and I hope that my post is factored in when you approach the problem

Edit: Also i'd take into consideration what everyone else said, to add onto this post. I think if you are going to leave her, it'd be best to let her parents know as her safety is of importance and really if she can't help herself become a better person/stop being depressed she'd clearly need therapy anyways. So this'd help off your guilt as you'd have done everything you could to prevent her from suicide, and it wouldn't be so bad.[/quote]

her parents don't really care and i was a man, but she's just worn me down so much idk what to do