Me and my ex had a lot of issues with smoothing things over post break up. He sounded suicidal sometimes, and he and my current used to be decently good friends, my current felt bad for him and was understanding to me wanting to be on good terms; however, my current wanted me to cut off contact after my ex kept wanting me to get back together with him so I told my ex we needed space, and he got upset and ultimately we said some hurtful things to eachother and didn't talk for a good month, while we've hardly talked all summer. He called again while I was on the phone with my current, and I told my current I was just going to see what he wanted. He just told me that he had harbored a lot of negative feelings for me and that was unhealthy, the past was the past, and he would rather us be on good terms with each other; he didn't really apologize, we didn't talk about anything concerning "us", we just caught up with each other and discussed plans for college and such. It was like a twenty minute conversation. I told my current, and he said he didn't want me to talk to my ex at all and that if we did speak once a month it would be too often.
I love my current and I don't want to do anything to upset him; he's flexible and always listens to me, but I don't want to lie to him or continue doing something that would make him wildly uncomfortable. At the same time, I know my ex very well and I don't feel that he's attempting to get me back or even talk very often. I'd just like to be on good terms with everyone, I don't know what to do.
Re: Contact with an ex? -
August 18th 2012, 04:19 PM
Hey there Ambiance,
It seems like a very sticky situation youíre in right now and I have to say dig deep into what you want. First off I wanted to say I think your current was right to want you to break contact with your Ex. I say this because your Ex could have harmed your current relationship, you might want to stay precautious of this. On the other hand I donít approve that you current is trying to control your contact with you Ex who seems to have made it very clear that he was wrong it what he done. (This to me sounds like an apology because as a human being saying youíre wrong isnít always easy, especially wen a guy says it. Although you still might want to ask him, and be honest tell him that you just want reassurance, not trying to guilt him, that heís not proud of what he did, because that is what sorry is feeling sorrowful of a wrong action). Alright, now you said you wanted to remain honest and truthful without hurting anybody. I say this is a great idea, but most of all make sure you are putting yourself first and not adjusting what you want because of what someone else says unless you like their suggestion (make sure it is a suggestion and not a command.). This is what you do. You make amendments for yourself and declare them to both your current and your Ex. 1. If you still would like to talk to your ex then tell you boyfriend. Discuss it with him, include that your ex knows he is wrong and will not try to mess up your relationship, and if he ever does do that, I think you need to check in with yourself if it is worth keeping a relationship that can harm something special. 2. Also make it clear to your Ex when you and if you do keep communication with him that he needs to keep some distance when it comes to you and your current. That you like your relationship with your Ex and you want to keep it but it should NOT be a threat to your current. 3. Also let your current know YOU will be telling your Ex this not him. 4. Tell your current that youíre in control of who you talk to, not him, and that you will make sure that everything is for the sake of peace and happiness. <- yes I know that sound cheesy but isnít it the truth? You want to have a good relationship with all, and not have anyone hurt. And if the situation calls for it you canít help those you wonít help themselves or you. If you Ex keeps prying then cut it off, but make sure it was YOUR DECISION not anyone elseís. And make sure your current knows that YOU are in control, because he is not your master in any way. He is your boyfriend. Someone who cares, gives advice, and love you, but most of all should respect you for who you are and the decisions you make. Not someone who make decisions for you. If you ever find yourself in a position that is constantly doing what people are telling you what to do. Please get out of that situation. Unless itís your parents and you are under age, well then you stuck. lol. Just remember over all everything will work even if it wasnít the way you planed, the world will not end in these confusing times, and most importantly YOU are in control of you and your decisions, no one else. I hope this has helped. Best of luck!
Re: Contact with an ex? -
August 20th 2012, 11:36 PM
I definitely agree a lot with what Ash is saying. It should be YOUR choice if you are friends with your ex or not. Just because there is a bit of bad history with the 3 of you doesn't mean you all can't just move on from it. What bothers me here is that your current is trying to dictate whether you can be friends with your ex or not, and for me that is a problem, I see that as a flag for controlling behaviour no matter how well intentioned he is. It might not develop into anything that is an issue but you may want to address that he can't really dictate your friendships like that.
On the other hand, there IS a bad history there, and he DID previously try to interfere with your current relationship before, so I can respect your boyfriends hesitancy to let this guy back into your life. Because even if your friend is ONLY in contact with you it'll affect your current boyfriend if he starts pulling any of the old crap you mentioned (or stuff similar to it).
Your definitely in a sticky situation. You might want to just talk to both of them, have an open conversation and clear it all up. I definitely think you should let your ex know about your hesitancy opening up contact because you don't want to open up any old wounds if he decides he wants you back, just let him know you are happy in your current relationship and that what ever his intentions are, he needs to not interfere with it. And let your current boyfriend know that you will be cautious in trusting your ex to much given the past, but that he can't tell you that talking to him once a month is wrong. If your conversations with your ex are not going to interfere with your current relationship, then your current boyfriend shouldn't sweat over it. Let the current BF know that if things start getting fishy you will handle it, and that even if you go to him pissed/upset about it, that you will exercise your own judgement in the matter. After all you're a "big girl" and don't need people telling you what's "good" for you, if you can't figure that out yourself anything other people say probably won't make much of a difference. Yes, guidance is always a nice thing, but out right control in a relationship is NOT nice.
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions