Worrying is one of my biggest flaws...

[TheInnocentMan]

So. I have a question.
I was going to tell me girlfriend something, but then I was arguing to myself whether it would cause any misunderstandings.

As it seems right now, I was about to tell her, but then I dismissed it and said "nevermind". She's kinda confused.
This is what I was planning on saying...
(A bit of back story, I was talking to her yesterday randomly about how people and why they do. It got me worried whether we were talking about it, or she was giving me a heads up.)

"Maybe I have a incredibly warped sense of thinking or perception, but when we started talking about cheating - more particular, one of the reasons behind it. You said how someone might get bored of someone. Well it just really got me thinking...are you having fun with me? It's been bugging me. Worrying is one of my flaws... >_<"

Please help.

[sphynx]

Open, honest communication is key to any relationship, be it romantic, platonic or familial, and communication seems to be a little bit of a problem here. What you have to bear in mind is that your feelings are important to you for a reason, and because they're important to you, chances are, they're going to be important to her too. And even if she doesn't see the validity of your statements straight away, chances are, she's still going to want to listen to you because they're concerns, and when someone you love is concerned about something, whatever that something may be, you want to hear it out and you want to try and console it the best that you can. What you need to do is not dismiss your feelings as though they don't matter, because they do. It's every bit as important that this relationship stays safe and happy for you as it does for her, and if something's bothering you, you shouldn't feel ashamed, humiliated or scared to admit it. I commend you for getting started, but it would have been better to follow through. That way, you would have avoided her confusion in addition to expressing your anxieties and having those insecurities reassured and figuring out the problem.

As for what you want to say to her, there's a few things I would avoid saying. That would be "Maybe I have an incredibly warped sense of thinking or perception..." and "...worrying is one of my flaws." The reasons I would avoid saying these and such things like them is because she may feel pressured to argue these statements, and more time will then be spent on reassuring these insecurities as opposed to the ones that matter more to you. Sometimes such statements can also cause a partner to feel rather resentful, because he or she may feel guilted into responding a certain way. Though I'm aware this was not your intention, and though it's important she take your intentions into consideration, it's your responsibility to think about how what you're saying might be received and to really work on articulating the point your trying to get across. Being said, it's really important to use "I"-phrases because in communication, when you're talking, it's all about you, just as when she's talking, it should be all about her. Use "I feel" and "I think" to express your thoughts and feelings, and when referencing a situation, use "we" or don't address a specific party at all. If you come at her using the word "you," either saying "you brought suchandsuch up" or "you made me feel thisandthat," you're automatically giving her something she needs to defend, and by doing so, you're going to cut off any path of communication you may have hoped to achieve.

If I were you, I might word it something like this, "Yesterday, when we were talking about cheating and the reasons behind it, one of the reasons that was mentioned was that one person might get bored with the other, and this has really been bugging me because it made me feel scared that maybe you're getting bored with me, and I just wanted to know if you were still having fun with me?" Note that she was not accused of anything. It was a discussion you both took part it. The reasons belonged more to the situation and to you both than to either one of you. You expressed how you were feeling, and you got in the question you meant to ask. The only thing she's given to address is your insecurity about her getting bored with you, as opposed to having to deal with that insecurity in addition to the other insecurities of having distorted thinking or worrying being a flaw of yours.

Though I want to offer some encouraging words and say perhaps you're taking her words a little too far, I think you need to trust her, and I think you need to work on letting this go, I feel more strongly about the lack of communication there seems to be from your end. I really, really think this could be an important step to improving this relationship because you're only going to learn how to communicate with her by doing so. And by following the steps of using "I"-phrases and of taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings and for holding yourself accountable for the way you pereceived the situation, she's going to be more likely to return that same courtesy and reciprocate the behaviour. The more open you're willing to be with someone, the more open they're generally willing to be with you.

Good luck!

xo Claire

[The Patron Saint]

Claire has it down perfectly.