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Question Want to make him angry to feel in control? - September 26th 2012, 06:30 AM

Hey guys,

So I think I just want to get any ideas that any of you may have on this one and see if anyone else can relate. I'm not exactly a control freak but in my relationships, I do tend to get scared if I don't have a certain level of control. Having been in a manipulative and verbally and emotionally abusive "friendship" in my past, it scares me when someone has too much control.

With that said, there is this guy that I've started to get really close to and we've both admitted we've fallen for each other. He lives quite a ways away though so we have been able to meet once and he's a great guy. He's sensitive, calm, doesn't get angry often and has a great head on his shoulders. In so many ways, he's everything I have ever wanted in a guy. But because of the fact that he is SO calm ALL the time, I feel like I don't have any control. He also knows me really well(like my emotions, ways I'd respond to things and the like) so it really makes me nervous.

Well I've noticed this feeling of wanting to make him angry in order to feel in control of the relationship. It's like when I feel scared that he sees me too well, I want to find something to make him angry to feel in control. Does this make sense to anyone here? What are some ways I could try to counteract this emotion?

I've mentioned it to him and he fully understands why I'd want to make him angry. Because of the fact he's aware of it though, I don't think it would work. But I still would love some ideas because I feel like such a terrible person when I start thinking this way. Ideas?

Thank you SO much to anyone who has taken the time to read or respond to this. It means so much. Love you guys!


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Re: Want to make him angry to feel in control? - September 26th 2012, 06:42 AM

It makes sense to me.

It mostly makes sense because I've mostly been on the other end of your stick. I'm usually the calm and collected one, and my ex would usually try to anger me to make her feel like she's running the show. But she'd also get angry, and then we'd usually fight.

As for counteracting, I'd talk to him more about it. I had talked to my ex after the thirtieth time of it happening, and she explained that she wanted to control everything. I asked her to calm it down a bit, and she was understanding and tried to do so.

Realise this: if you do make him angry, you're probably going to push him away.
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Re: Want to make him angry to feel in control? - September 26th 2012, 03:44 PM

Hi Angelica,

It's understandable that you want to assert control in a relationship, especially given your past of manipulative relationships in which you *didn't* have control.

It's great that he's calm, though. If he was too hot-headed, wouldn't you feel like he was controlling you with his anger?

But, think about this for a moment. Yes, getting him angry would show some control over his emotions. But in a way, you've already got some control over that. The things you do and say affect his behavior, and if he's calm and collected, then you must be having a good effect on him. Getting him angry would only potentially make snags in the relationship, no?

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Re: Want to make him angry to feel in control? - September 27th 2012, 04:28 AM

Hey, Angelica! =)

It's funny you mentioned this, because there have been times in my relationship where I've become incredibly emotional and "raged" at my boyfriend. This is very unlike me - I am usually very much in control of my emotions! What I've discovered over time is that my boyfriend doesn't just "control" his emotions... he actually suppresses them. This only happens when we are apart, though. When we are physically together, he is all smiles and laughter, and I've seen him cry a few times as well. I also don't "rage" at him when we are physically together. Essentially, our relationship dynamic is that I become externally MORE emotional, and he becomes externally LESS emotional. It's almost like I'm unconsciously trying to "even out" the relationship on an emotional level. This is something I only gained insight on very recently, after a year of dating my boyfriend... so it's great that you already have this insight so early in the "relationship." That means you can start working on the issue now and have a better chance of having a successful relationship!

Maybe your situation isn't quite like mine, where you unconsciously try to "even out" the "relationship" on an emotional level. Maybe it really is just a control issue for you. If that's the case, I would suggest thinking about other ways in which you might control your crush/potential boyfriend. You'll quickly discover that you don't need to use anger in order to control him. Your loving words and actions have a great deal of control over him. The promise of being able to see you after being separated for a long period of time has a great deal of control over him. There are ways in which you exert control over him on a daily basis, without even realizing it - AND that control is fairly positive in nature! When you start to spiral downward into a "rage," try to stop yourself and remember that. Take a few deep breaths, excuse yourself, and come back after you've had time to recall all the positive ways in which you control him. You are not helpless over this process - you can (and should!) train yourself to diffuse the anger before it becomes unmanageable.

Good luck! It sounds like you've found a great guy, and I wish you both all the best as you work things out. =)

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