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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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How would you like someone to tell you... - February 3rd 2013, 09:50 PM

Hey all.

Basically, I'm head over heels for this girl, I haven't been able to say that I like her, I've known her for a year and a half, we see each other every day, and we're really good friends.

I feel like I should at least say something. Best case, she's into me (she's not). Worst case, things are horribly awkward for a while.

I've never said that to anyone before.

I kind of feel like I should tell her just so that I've taken my first step into that aspect of life, regardless of what she thinks.

Uh, so I guess my question is: how would you go about telling someone that you like them?




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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 3rd 2013, 09:53 PM

Maybe you could ask her if she has feelings for you. Or if she sees you as just a friend.
Hope everything works out


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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 4th 2013, 03:42 AM

Situations like these always seem a lot tougher than they really are. First of all, if she's really your friend, if she doesn't have those feelings for you then she will simply tell you and go on being your friend. It doesn't have to be awkward. And I can tell you from experience, it's better to tell the person you like them instead of wondering. I had a really close friend once. About a year and a half into being friends, I started to like him, but I refused to tell him. 7 months later, I finally spit it out. Turns out he'd been in love with me since a few months after we became friends. Now I have a great relationship that could've started much sooner...if I'd had the courage to speak up (or if he'd spoken up). I understand it's hard, because you don't know what will happen. And I know this sounds cliche, but you'll never know until you try. And even if you do tell her and she turns you down, it will get better in time. Yeah, it will probably sting and it'll take a while to get over her, but you will. Or, she could like you back and you could have a very nice relationship. If you really want to tell her, try subtly flirting with her a little for a while. Once you feel ready enough, just tell her how you feel. It's up to you how to go about it.


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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 4th 2013, 04:16 AM

I think the best way to go is to tell her. If she really is a good friend, then you'll be able to go on as normal. I told my best friend I liked him, and we were casual about it even though he didn't feel the same way. There are instances when I've had it get a little awkward, but that's the worst it's been. You'll never know until you try


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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 4th 2013, 11:04 AM

Practice in the mirror first and remember your lines, it's like role playing you have just got to get it just right.

If you like the girl, say something like, "I've thought you were beautiful since the moment I laid eyes on you. Each day you are more beautiful and now, I just can't take it any longer. I need for you to know how I feel...I like you more then friends."
   
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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 4th 2013, 06:01 PM

I'd love to tell you to jump straight in, but it might end more awkward if you do. If I were you, I'd test the waters a bit.

Flirt with her. Try bringing up relationships with her. Check she's not interested in anyone else. Try dropping some subtle hints. If all else fails, there's always the 'I have a friend who's into his best friend and can't figure out how to tell her...' approach.

I think it would be best to let her know that you like her, even if you know she doesn't feel the same, so she's not under any false pretences.


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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 6th 2013, 05:02 PM

Right, I went to the library with her today, we were mucking about a bit but after I went back to my desk she'd gone when I turned around next.

I've sent her a text.

And now we wait.




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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 6th 2013, 11:15 PM

I think its really brave that you have decided to do this. I can promise even if she ends up turning you down, that the next time it will be easier. Just be self confident and it will happen naturally and smoothly. Best of luck!


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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 6th 2013, 11:39 PM

Well, I got the expected response. She's not interested, of course. I probably should have expected it given that she's 8+/10 and I'm a 4, also that I've know her for more than a year.

Fucking hell, I didn't expect it to hurt this bad.




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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 8th 2013, 08:36 PM

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you hoped they would. Rejection always hurts - and frankly, it doesn't help that this is a good friend whom you'll be around on a regular basis. For what it's worth, I think what you did was incredibly brave, and while things may be awkward for a while, at least you don't have to live with the "what ifs" any longer. Hopefully, this friendship will become even stronger now, because you really CAN tell her anything and not have to worry about being put down in a cruel manner.

On another note, I couldn't help but notice how negative you've been throughout this entire process. Right from the beginning, you were telling us you wanted to tell her how you felt, even though you "knew" she didn't feel the same way. Then, you told us how you didn't stand a chance, because she's supposedly an 8+ and you're supposedly a 4. While I'm not denying that any of that is true, I do want to say that negativity can be quite tangible... and if other people pick up on the negativity, it can be a HUGE turn-off. I think it might be worth exploring these feelings further and working on any self-esteem/confidence issues you might have on a more general level. That will increase your chances of being more successful when asking other girls out in the future! =)





   
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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 8th 2013, 08:50 PM

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Originally Posted by PSY View Post
I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you hoped they would. Rejection always hurts - and frankly, it doesn't help that this is a good friend whom you'll be around on a regular basis. For what it's worth, I think what you did was incredibly brave, and while things may be awkward for a while, at least you don't have to live with the "what ifs" any longer. Hopefully, this friendship will become even stronger now, because you really CAN tell her anything and not have to worry about being put down in a cruel manner.

On another note, I couldn't help but notice how negative you've been throughout this entire process. Right from the beginning, you were telling us you wanted to tell her how you felt, even though you "knew" she didn't feel the same way. Then, you told us how you didn't stand a chance, because she's supposedly an 8+ and you're supposedly a 4. While I'm not denying that any of that is true, I do want to say that negativity can be quite tangible... and if other people pick up on the negativity, it can be a HUGE turn-off. I think it might be worth exploring these feelings further and working on any self-esteem/confidence issues you might have on a more general level. That will increase your chances of being more successful when asking other girls out in the future! =)
Thanks. I guess if I get rejected in the future then I'll know what to expect, at least.

My counsellor and I both agree that my low self-esteem could be fixed by getting into a relationship. It's just something that I see other people having (sometimes multiple) girlfriends, and I get the sense that I'm somehow inferior to them because I can't match that.

Bit of a catch 22, really

The thing is, I still really like her. The only way I've heard of to stop liking someone is to cut off all contact with someone. This isn't going to be possible, so I might just stop going with her to the library/talking with her so often. Shit sucks but at this point I don't really see what else I can do.

To be honest, I'm still feeling pretty bad about it all. I (hopefully) will have felt better about it by next week. I'm also going to ask for a higher dosage of anti-depressants from my doctor.




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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 8th 2013, 09:45 PM

While having a girlfriend may help you feel better (because you're desired by another person), it won't really "fix" your low self-esteem. Unfortunately, a lot of people make the mistake of jumping into a relationship before they've spent enough time focusing on themselves. As a result, their relationships may be quite unhealthy (dependency, loss of identity, clingy behavior, even more insecurities, jealousy, etc.). If you're going to go after a girl, then go after her because you genuinely like her (as you did with your friend)... but also keep in mind that having a girlfriend won't solve this particular problem. I don't know if this counselor is a psychological professional, or a school counselor, but either way, I'd let them know you'd like to start focusing on exercises/techniques that YOU can do to improve the low self-esteem, vs. waiting until a girl walks into your life.





   
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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 8th 2013, 10:41 PM

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Originally Posted by PSY View Post
While having a girlfriend may help you feel better (because you're desired by another person), it won't really "fix" your low self-esteem. Unfortunately, a lot of people make the mistake of jumping into a relationship before they've spent enough time focusing on themselves. As a result, their relationships may be quite unhealthy (dependency, loss of identity, clingy behavior, even more insecurities, jealousy, etc.). If you're going to go after a girl, then go after her because you genuinely like her (as you did with your friend)... but also keep in mind that having a girlfriend won't solve this particular problem. I don't know if this counselor is a psychological professional, or a school counselor, but either way, I'd let them know you'd like to start focusing on exercises/techniques that YOU can do to improve the low self-esteem, vs. waiting until a girl walks into your life.
Ah, I see. Would you happen to know of any techniques off the top of your head, before I see my counsellor again?

Also - how do I get to genuinely like a girl without getting friendzoned? Surely by the time I get a good judgement of her character then she'll have a fixed view of me as her friend and nothing else?

Thanks for all the advice btw everyone.




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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 9th 2013, 02:25 AM

Some of the techniques are actually pretty simple, and while they might seem like a waste of time, they can help shift your mindset. One thing you might want to try is listing all the positive qualities you possess. That might be tough to do at first, so just aim for 3 items. Think about it for a day, then come back and aim for 5 items... then 10 items, and so on. Get creative with it! It might be something mundane ("I clean the toilets in my house very thoroughly") or something more extraordinary ("I won a contest in the first grade"). It can be about yourself, it can be about how you interact with others, it can be about school/work... anything! And once you have that list, you need to solidify it in your mind... so when you start to put yourself down, draw on that list. When you find yourself saying, "I don't stand a chance because I'm only a '4'," you can counter with, "But I am a wonderful friend who makes time to hang out every day we're at school." You might even be able to finish that thought with, "...and she'd be LUCKY to have me!" =D

As far as the "friend zone" goes, I genuinely believe that it's about how you present yourself, both in the very beginning and throughout the friendship. If you can create attraction on some level from the moment you meet a person, and from that point on, then you're going to be able to avoid the "friend zone." I was actually friends with my current boyfriend for nearly 2.5 years. Why didn't he end up in the "friend zone"? Because whenever we talked to each other, no matter how brief, he was able to entertain me, whether it was with his ideas, stories, or antics (he can quite the jokester at times!). He intrigued me and kept me interested on some level for all that time, even though I dated two people before him and never really thought to myself, "boy, I'd love to date [Boyfriend] some day!"

There's another idea I agree with on some level, which is that you don't get put in the "friend zone" because you're too "friendly." You get put in the "friend zone" because you're not compatible... which means there's nothing you can really do about the "friend zone", or maybe it doesn't even exist to begin with. It just happens. Sometimes, a person you're interested in may recognize you're not compatible after the first meeting, and sometimes, as they get to know you better, they realize you're not compatible. It's not always about sexual attraction, as some people might argue. It also has to do with similar interests, personality types, beliefs, etc. For example, if someone was loud/rowdy, it wouldn't matter how physically attractive they were or how much they turned on the charm. I wouldn't want to date them - ever!Furthermore, if I was somewhat attracted to a friend, but found out a few months later that they smoked crack on a regular basis, I'd be putting them in the "friend zone" in the blink of an eye.






Last edited by PSY; February 9th 2013 at 02:35 AM.
   
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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 9th 2013, 06:15 PM

I think it's important to realize that you know where you stand now. Yes, it hurts. No one likes rejection. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way where everything goes as planned. Being in the view of the rejector and a friend, she was at least honest with you and she wasn't being immature about it (I hope, otherwise, she's not a true friend). You shouldn't act completely distant from her because of her answer. It will heal and I'm sure you'll open new doors to better opportunities when the time is right. Good luck!




   
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Re: How would you like someone to tell you... - February 10th 2013, 03:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post
Some of the techniques are actually pretty simple, and while they might seem like a waste of time, they can help shift your mindset. One thing you might want to try is listing all the positive qualities you possess. That might be tough to do at first, so just aim for 3 items. Think about it for a day, then come back and aim for 5 items... then 10 items, and so on. Get creative with it! It might be something mundane ("I clean the toilets in my house very thoroughly") or something more extraordinary ("I won a contest in the first grade"). It can be about yourself, it can be about how you interact with others, it can be about school/work... anything! And once you have that list, you need to solidify it in your mind... so when you start to put yourself down, draw on that list. When you find yourself saying, "I don't stand a chance because I'm only a '4'," you can counter with, "But I am a wonderful friend who makes time to hang out every day we're at school." You might even be able to finish that thought with, "...and she'd be LUCKY to have me!" =D
Thanks, definitely going to try these. It's a bit tricky for me to think of myself in a positive light, I guess I've never really done much of it before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post
As far as the "friend zone" goes, I genuinely believe that it's about how you present yourself, both in the very beginning and throughout the friendship. If you can create attraction on some level from the moment you meet a person, and from that point on, then you're going to be able to avoid the "friend zone." I was actually friends with my current boyfriend for nearly 2.5 years. Why didn't he end up in the "friend zone"? Because whenever we talked to each other, no matter how brief, he was able to entertain me, whether it was with his ideas, stories, or antics (he can quite the jokester at times!). He intrigued me and kept me interested on some level for all that time, even though I dated two people before him and never really thought to myself, "boy, I'd love to date [Boyfriend] some day!"
Ah, ok. I was really lacking confidence and social skills when I started uni, and I guess I've gained a bit of that over time. What's the difference between creating attraction and becoming better friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSY View Post
There's another idea I agree with on some level, which is that you don't get put in the "friend zone" because you're too "friendly." You get put in the "friend zone" because you're not compatible... which means there's nothing you can really do about the "friend zone", or maybe it doesn't even exist to begin with. It just happens. Sometimes, a person you're interested in may recognize you're not compatible after the first meeting, and sometimes, as they get to know you better, they realize you're not compatible. It's not always about sexual attraction, as some people might argue. It also has to do with similar interests, personality types, beliefs, etc. For example, if someone was loud/rowdy, it wouldn't matter how physically attractive they were or how much they turned on the charm. I wouldn't want to date them - ever!Furthermore, if I was somewhat attracted to a friend, but found out a few months later that they smoked crack on a regular basis, I'd be putting them in the "friend zone" in the blink of an eye.
The funny thing is, everyone else in our friend circle would say to us (not at the same time) that the girl and I were good for each other because our personalities were so similar. I get your point on compatibility, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamMarie View Post
I think it's important to realize that you know where you stand now. Yes, it hurts. No one likes rejection. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way where everything goes as planned. Being in the view of the rejector and a friend, she was at least honest with you and she wasn't being immature about it (I hope, otherwise, she's not a true friend). You shouldn't act completely distant from her because of her answer. It will heal and I'm sure you'll open new doors to better opportunities when the time is right. Good luck!
Thanks Yeah, I think her rejection message was probably the nicest rejection anyone's ever received, haha. It hasn't been awkward when we see each other in lectures either.




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