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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
wasiteva Offline
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Feeling really crappy after the breakup - April 26th 2013, 09:32 PM

I recently ended it with my boyfriend after i found out he cheated on me. We had problems before this. We had broken up a couple of times and because of that, he was unsure if I wanted to be in the relationship, but I did my best to assure him I did. I would surprise him, write him love letters, help him in anyway possible and was always there for him. I did a lot, but it never felt like it was enough.

We dealt with a lot of problems. I had a miscarriage and he found out he had a son from another relationship. It was hard, but in the end we supported each other. Then, I found out he was online dating, so I ended it with him. I didn't understand why he did it because of what we had gone through and how I stuck by him. He begged me for forgiveness, said he did it because he felt I would leave him because of his son. He said he felt like nobody should date him because he was such a mess, but he wanted me and that I was his "dream girl" and he would be stupid to mess up what we had a second time. I forgave him, and although it was hard, I got over it

Then he cheated on me physically one weekend when he was drunk. He told me immediately the next morning. I ended it, but he said he couldn't be without me, even if that just meant being my friend. He seemed extremely devastated when he was apologizing, so I forgave him again. But this time I couldn't let it go so easy. I became someone that I don't even like. I was mean, jealous, possessive and suspicious. I tried my best not to be, and apologized and acknowledged it, but I couldn't help rude comments slip sometimes. One day when I said something particularly mean, he told me he didn't think we should be together because I was clearly depressed about the cheating and he was "thinking of my best interests". He suggested we take a break because he didn't want to end it with me, but then told me he wasn't sure what he wanted from life and when I asked him how he knew he wanted me he didn't respond so I asked him to leave. That was the last I ever saw him.

Now I just feel like crap. I don't get why he hasn't texted me since, because he always said i meant the world to him, how do you walk away from that? I think he lied about loving me so much, or needing to be with me, because if that was true he would be trying to make this better. Being without him has made me realize that he was right, this is the best thing for me. I don't want to be back with him, but thinking that I was the one who messed up because I was always moody/suspicious really sucks. I think thats why he said he didnt know what he wanted. Kinda feels like he was relieved it was over. We were talking about moving in together a couple of days before this happened. Just doesn't make sense. It's hard to move on. I hate thinking of him telling everyone it's over because I was insane, when I feel I had every reason to be upset near the end and even tried to be the best girlfriend I could be despite all of that. I was depressed, but he made me that way.

I know nobody can tell me either way. I just needed to rant, and maybe someone could give me some advice on how to move on or their perspective of the situation.

Last edited by wasiteva; April 27th 2013 at 12:01 AM.
   
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Re: Feeling really crappy after the breakup - April 26th 2013, 10:53 PM

OK you're right on that I probably have no idea, so I'm naming some options/possibilities, none is meant to offend you or tell you what to do.

1) You didn't want to let go. You kept forgiving him. The relationship broke more and more. But the fact that you didn't let go and did your best to keep it alive means that you're not in the wrong here. From what you've told, he did far worse things than your mistrust and mood swings.

2) he cheated on you a lot and kept looking for sexual encounters online and offline. Look, this is just a possibility, but maybe you didn't completely satisfy his needs sexually. And he liked you too much to confront you with it. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I think a lot of cheating is done because one side couldn't please the other enough in bed. So for the future make sure you communicate about that a lot and do your best to please your partner

3) well your crappy feelings are caused by the same emotion that makes you keep forgiving him. You don't want him to be gone. Do what you think is right; think about the possibility of him coming back one day and offering to give it another try. Think about how you will react and what should change in the relationship to make it firmer. Be prepared.

My 3 cents

I think it can be true that he cares for you a lot, I don't think he really ever intended to hurt you by cheating on you. But if you read point 2 again, maybe he cheated on you because he didn't want to hurt you...man, this is complicated, but food for thought. Maybe, just maybe, he has feelings for you?
   
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Re: Feeling really crappy after the breakup - April 26th 2013, 11:15 PM

I do believe that point 1 is very accurate. I didn't want it to be over at all, until that last conversation we had. I always felt it could be fixed.

I suppose I should have mentioned this but he didn't have sex with anyone while he was with me. He just made out with someone. However, I do still consider your suggestion that as a possibility.

I know he liked me a lot, he told me all the time how in love he was with me but whether that is true or not is another reason I am upset still.

Thank you for your honesty and your response!
   
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Re: Feeling really crappy after the breakup - April 27th 2013, 02:04 AM

Sometimes relationships can't be fixed, no matter how much you both try. I can't even imagine how much pain you're in, considering how long you've been with him and how hard you tried to fix the relationship. It's never easy to say it's the over, but sometimes you have to end things. You'll just continue to hurt yourself forgiving this person and trying to fix things. In the end you have to think about whats best for you. I hope everything works out for you.


I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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