TeenHelp - Forced break-up?

TeenHelp (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/)

- Relationships and Dating (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f9-relationships-dating/)

- - Forced break-up? (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f9-relationships-dating/t120217-forced-break-up/)

Forced break-up?

Hi, Teenhelp. I just made an account so I could post this and get a little advice.

So my girlfriend and I are both 13 (and don't bother replying with "you're too young to date", it won't help anyone), I'm Indian and she's Polish (both born in the U.S) , and after 4 months and a week of dating, my parents are forcing us to break up. Now, I had broke it to them earlier almost a week after we first got together about our relationship, and they said that she "was going to manipulate me" and that she'd "pull me into sex", and said that we could "just stay friends". I know it wasn't right, but I lied to them telling them we broke up and everything, and they believed it for a while. Well, early after I lied, they found some explicit conversations between us on Steam (a chat program and game launcher for those who don't know). However, we both promised to never have sex until we're married, and we both definitely don't want kids. (take a wild guess :P) Earlier today they found a message I had sent her (I'm currently in India, so we can only chat for short periods at a time) about how my parents are getting suspicious, so I had to go, along with the words "Love you~". I was planning on revealing the whole situation after we came back, and now they want to cut us both off from any communication and have us break up. (They took my phone and I'm using my dad's laptop with permission to type this, I left my laptop at home). I haven't told my girlfriend about this yet (it's like 2:37AM in the US currently). We both love each other very much, and I honestly don't know what to do. Should I do what I did before, or break up? I really don't want to spoil the rest of her break, as she was even planning on covering some of my favorite songs for when I come back. :(

Also, we're both going to different high schools, but I was planning on being able to visit her during those years.
This is a really painful position I'm in right now, and I really want to know what to do...please help!

Re: Forced break-up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wert7 (Post 1036636)

Hi, Teenhelp.
So my girlfriend and I are both 13 (and don't bother replying with "you're too young to date", it won't help anyone), I'm Indian and she's Polish (both born in the U.S) , and after 4 months and a week of dating, my parents are forcing us to break up.

4 months and a week is a long time for young teenagers. I encourage you to date despite how old or young you are. I've heard of relationships lasting that long, but when I was 13...they were like...viewed as gods because it was so rare to find a couple that were young and lasting that long. I'm pretty proud of you, assuming that you're committed to her, and it sucks that your parents "forced" you to break up. I say "forced" in quotations because it's ultimately your decision on where you want the relationship to go, but considering that they are your parents and can royally screw up your young life...it's a tough situation. Legally, they probably couldn't put you out on the streets, but they probably could've forced you to move in with different people or something like that. It's unfortunate that your parents put you in that situation I'm sorry that it happened to you. I'm 23, old enough to be a parent (surely), and I don't think it's part of a parent to decide who you should or shouldn't date. I think that's ultimately your choice who and when to date...with that being said...

Quote:

Originally Posted by wert7 (Post 1036636)

Now, I had broke it to them earlier almost a week after we first got together about our relationship, and they said that she "was going to manipulate me" and that she'd "pull me into sex", and said that we could "just stay friends".

Your parents need to understand that just because they may force you to just stay friends doesn't eliminate the possibility of her pulling you into sex. I don't mean to go against my own gender, but I'd say that men are more likely to pull women into sex than the other. If girls are more likely to pull me into sex, then sign me up because I've NEVER had a woman initiate sexual interaction with me. This is also an indication that they don't trust you because even if your girlfriend (and I say girlfriend because you still love her even though you aren't allowed to date her) says she wants to have sex doesn't mean that you're going to have sex. Also, they also may not think that you're intelligent enough to understand when someone is trying to manipulate you. Ultimately, your parents believe that you're an idiot, and you're not to be trusted. That is not good parenting. Either you've done something that would prevent your parents from trusting you, or they just have trust issues considering that you're their responsibility.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wert7 (Post 1036636)

I know it wasn't right, but I lied to them telling them we broke up and everything, and they believed it for a while. Well, early after I lied, they found some explicit conversations between us on Steam (a chat program and game launcher for those who don't know). However, we both promised to never have sex until we're married, and we both definitely don't want kids. (take a wild guess :P) Earlier today they found a message I had sent her (I'm currently in India, so we can only chat for short periods at a time) about how my parents are getting suspicious, so I had to go, along with the words "Love you~". I was planning on revealing the whole situation after we came back, and now they want to cut us both off from any communication and have us break up. (They took my phone and I'm using my dad's laptop with permission to type this, I left my laptop at home).

There's an important thing that you have to understand about parents. You're still their child and you still have a lot to learn about responsibility and all that stuff. Typically, you're better off telling the truth than you are lying because when you lie...you have things to hide. If you parents know you're hiding something, they have no reason to trust you. Ultimately, you have to earn that trust. If I were in your situation, I would much rather say "dad...mom...I know that you don't want us to date and I don't want to lie to you. I really like this girl, I really care about her, and I'm not going to break up with her but I also don't want to go behind your back." So I would suggest that you not lie from now on and if you're willing to bare the consequences, you need to man up and accept those consequences if you feel that your girlfriend is worth fighting for. If they realize that she means a lot to you, they may eventually change their minds and be more accepting of this girl. But if you lie, you ruin your chances of shit getting better.

I would sit down and have a real conversation with your parents. If you feel like using some of the stuff I mentioned in your conversation, so be it but you need to be respectful to your parents. I would tell them..."look...I've done a lot of thinking and I realized that I never really understood your position till now. I'm sorry for lying about what I lied about and I promise that I won't do anything behind your back again. But I have strong feelings for this girl, she means a lot to me and I'm not going to break up with her or cut off our relationship. I understand that you have doubt about the girl and afraid that I may put myself in a bad situation, but I promise that if it comes to that, I will seek your advice and let you be involved with what goes on in our relationship because I know that it would mean a lot to you if you know what goes on so that you won't feel like I'm doing anything behind your back. But please, I like this girl and I'm willing to compromise with you as long as you're willing to compromise with me." That's what I would do...but the main thing is that you be respectful and show that you're mature enough to handle a relationship.

Re: Forced break-up?

How traditional is your family if you don't mind my asking? I ask simply because I know that, for example, my family is super liberal and my background is European, so if my parents told me not to do something, yes, I'd be expected to respect them and listen to them, but there were circumstances, such as with friendships or boyfriends where my parents would sort of suck it up if they epxressed their disapproval and i was like "look, no, this is how it is and this is why I am not cutting this person out of my life" and as long as nothing bad was going to happen (ex. crazy partying, drugs, extreme sexual risks) then they'd tolerate it. But I know in some families, such as Indian families, it might not be as ok for you to defy your parents even over minor things. And I can definitely see that causing a conflict for your because you might be crossing 2 cultures, one where you are very much Indian culturally because of your parents and one where you are very American culturally because you were raised in the USA (make Canadian, British, Australian etc as necessary) and it might be hard for your parents to also understand when you do things (such as dating a girl at 13) if it isn't something accepted by your Indian culture... So that's why I ask, it affects what my answer to you would be in some ways.

But in any case, dating someone at 13 is perfectly fine. Yes, it's young, and no, i highly doubt you will marry this girl, and yes, I think 13 is pretty young to be definite about not wanting a kid as most 13 year olds don't want kids and that's not likely to be a permanent decision. But that doesn't mean I won't take your relationship any less seriously or that you can't love her (or care for her in a romantic way very deeply if you aren't sure it's love) because I think as humans we are capable of being in love many times, some people might only be in love once, some of us will be in love many times. Besides 4 months is really good, especially at 13, most teenagers only last 3 months or less.

To deal with your parents, you might want to to tell them that you like this girl and that you're sorry that they disapprove but you'd like them to take your position on the matter into consideration before making any long lasting decisions about trying to make you guys cut off contact. Let them know you were going to be honest with them and going behind their backs isn't ideal for you because you respect them and don't want to lie about who your are with/talk to etc. Tell them that you don't want them to punish you, but that they might want to do X, Y and Z so that you guys don't have to clash and that you'd rather be able to be honest about things so that they know what's going on rather then feeling like you have to hide stuff because you don't want them punishing you, remind them that you do good in school and that you help around the house and do X, Y and Z that's good and that you would prefer to have an open line of communication and that they respect that you need to be allowed to experience things. If there is the culture difference that you explained it might be hard for them to understand things you'll do different from them because you were raised different and you might want to try to help them understand that and you might want to explain how it'll be more normal for you to date someone who's different culturally/ethnically because unlike their childhoods in India you are not living in an environment where Indians (Hindus?) are the majority and it's a bit hard to be that picky in other countries, trying to help them understand that might help. I say that because you mentioned race so it sounds like a factor.

Re: Forced break-up?

Thank you so much, guys, and my dad seems to be a little more accepting on the topic, willing to discuss it. My mother, on the other hand, is just telling me that "there will be no discussion" just because I'm 13 and she doesn't want to pay any attention to my requests and points. She even mentioned that she'd kill her if she had to, and that's a little troubling. My parents are both Hindu.