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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
texasforever Offline
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Sorting Out My Emotions - October 15th 2013, 11:49 PM

I need advice on how to make it through a little bit of emotional hurt and stress. I've never been an emotional person and have never had any meaningful relationships with women. Also before this instant I was technically a virgin (never had vaginal sex but oral and whatnot) so that could further complicate the situation. Hopefully someone can help me even a little bit through this confusing time.

To start off I'm in a fraternity at a large state school. I met a girl at a mixer and talked to her all night, and started to like her. At the end of the night we went back to her place and we had sex and talked for a couple hours afterword and she told me to call her that weekend. Over the next couple of days I would think about her a little bit but not too much. Two days after that night was a Thursday which for me means going downtown to the bars and drinking. I texted her that day and found out she was going downtown that night as well. One thing led to another and we ended up meeting up and going home together. This time the sex was much better and more passionate and I felt a good connection with her. The morning after I asked her to a date event that my fraternity throws for a rival weekend and she said yes. Skip forward a week and the same exact situation as the last Thursday replayed itself, except with a bit more PDA at the bar. That week we texted mainly planning out the event that was fast coming.

Fast forward a week and a day to the next Friday. From this point on I must add that I was heavily under the influence of alcohol (as was everyone). The bus ride was 4 hours long and the memories are very hazy, but we had a good time that resulted in us hooking up on the bus. We went to our hotel room and continued to hook up. After this we went to a club for a bartab by my fraternity. After this everything goes downhill. We were all having fun when I noticed my date was gone. I looked around and saw her dancing with another guy on the dance-floor. It made me pretty angry but I wasn't really sure how to feel or what to do about it. Of course this led to me concluding I should just drink more, and my last memory of the night was me watching them dance from above while sitting and drinking. The next morning I woke up in my hotel room (shared it with another couple) and was in bed alone. I woke up and looked at my phone and had a text from my date asking for the guy she was dancing with phonenumber. She came back while I was in the shower and explained to me she was just too drunk last night and woke up in a random hotel room. I didn't question this and continued getting ready for the day. Thinking about everything started to make me angry, so when we loaded the bus to go to the event I started drinking very heavily. My mind and memory was gone before the 20 minute bus ride was over (I didn't eat) and the biggest shit-show of my life had begun. Fast forward 5 hours and I wake up on the bus alone.

I didn't talk to her too much on the entire 4 hour bus-ride back. I was asleep for a lot of the time, and she was talking to one of her friends who was also someone's date at another part of the bus. Later I wake up and see her dancing on the bus with the same guy from before. I tried not thinking about it and finally made it home. Back at home the guy who she was with approached me and wanted to talk about my date. He said she was flirting with him and asked if there was anything between me and my date and if he could try to sleep with her. In that moment I thought to myself no there isn't anything between us, she slept with you already. Also not wanting to show any emotional weakness (stupid macho shit) I told him that I had no feelings and he could go for her.

The next day all I could think about was what had happened. I started texting my date again about trivial things, and then she said sorry for Friday night. I told her I had no idea what happened and she just said she got too drunk. Then at that point I asked her where she woke up that next morning and she told me with the guy who she was dancing with. I told her I assumed that's what happened but that I wasn't sure. She said she was sorry again and I haven't talked to her since.

This whole situation is very new and confusing to me. In reflection I realized I did have feelings for her and that I saw what she did as a betrayal to me. I thought she may have cared about me at least a little, but I never talked to her about it so I don't know. I'm scared that I will try to talk to her again because it has become very apparent to me that I really did have feelings for her. It's a weird situation cause I also don't know what to do about the other guy. He apologized to me for taking my date and I told him I wasn't mad. The truth is I don't want to be mad at him, but deep down I really am. I feel like I need to express all these emotions, but I have no idea how to do it.

I have always bottled up all my anger and sadness, and I want to make it better. What is a mature and healthy way to handle this?

Thanks I know this is TL;DR
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Sorting Out My Emotions - October 16th 2013, 07:47 AM

Hmm, a healthy way is to stay away from alcohol and persons who consume it.
I mean, hear me out on this one. I have a similar experience. Both men and women like to blame alcohol on their cheating and bad behavior, but in the end they are responsible for their actions. After the first time I might've forgiven her, assuming she learned her lesson about alcohol and will control her consume. Since it happened to you again and again and she came up with the same excuses every time, I say she's someone who naturally cheats but likes to take zero responsibility for it. It would be foolish of you to stick with this woman, and you have my respect for ending it, or at least pulling a hard stop at that point and clearly think about what's going on and what to do.
If there's zero alcohol involved such silly excuses are completely invalid. That's why I never really drank in my life and stay away from drunk people, be they hot and easy or not. You make your own choice here, but I suggest moving away from alcohol a little if not completely.

Then there was your introduction that worried me a little. Do you blame the whole thing on yourself? On your incapability to properly flirt or whatever? I say, wipe those thoughts away as quickly as possible!

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Garyl Offline
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Re: Sorting Out My Emotions - October 19th 2013, 07:49 AM

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp.

I think you've already made a great first step with managing your emotions by expression yourself here. Obviously it's not the same as perhaps talking to someone in your life, but it's a good start, especially if this is something you don't have much practice in.

We often form some form of attachment to the person we have our first real sexual experience with, especially if it's a positive experience and there seem to be reciprocal feelings of interest, intimacy, passion, etc. So it's really understandable that you began to develop feelings for this girl. And it doesn't mean those feelings are invalid just because they may be made stronger by the fact this is who you first had sex with. That's nothing to be ashamed of, and there is nothing to blame yourself over about anything in this situation.

Unfortunately, that whole event sounds like a shitty situation, and you are not to blame. You have every right to feel betrayed by the actions of this girl. You had invited her to this event, as your date, and she basically ditched you for someone else. Now, I doubt this was done maliciously, but that does not make it any easier all the same.

As PureStorm said, sometimes people will use alcohol as an excuse for their actions, such as "Wow, I was so drunk I ended up in a random room with a random guy." The truth is, we are still responsible for our actions, even while intoxicated. We accept that responsibility when we choose to drink. Yes, the alcohol probably made it a bit worse, but in the end, the choice to go off with someone else was still hers to own, especially since it happened without the influence of booze later.

Communication doesn't always keep painful things from happening. In this case, there was probably nothing you could've done, as you had invited her as your date, which is pretty straightforward. There was really nothing there you could clear up, considering you two were slotted to share a room. And with the other guy, it was actually nice that he came up to you, but at the same time there wasn't much there you could do either at the time- you knew deep down he was asking after the fact. And, though I don't know as much about it, I know that social expectations can be great. I imagine in frats it's not exactly a "feelings-friendly" space. I don't know whether it helps you or not, but it's important to remember that, whether they talk about it or not, everyone has feelings. It sounds obvious, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way when you feel like you have to put up a facade.

But in the future, communication can help. It's hard to get into the habit of, but clarifying things, or just expressing yourself, can make things a lot better. For that to happen, though, requires some serious self-acceptance. And that means actually learning that it is okay to feel anger and sadness; it doesn't make you a weak person, and that it is perfectly okay for you to express those feelings. Again, that may sound obvious, but it can be a challenge to let go, if all your life you have learned to hold it in, especially in the name of "manliness." It takes a lot of self=acceptance. That can be a slow process, but in the end, it can really open you up to not only feeling more confident and happy with who you are as a person, but at communicating with others, too.

If you're able to, I would recommend seeing a guidance counselor. I know that most large public universities provide them, for free or relatively inexpensive. They may be able to help you get working on some more of the deep-seeded issues.

As for this situation, it may be best if you don't talk to her for now, especially if you know yourself well enough to know it could cause you emotional distress.

I really hope this helps you out. Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.


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