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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 01:42 AM

Ok, so I was talking to this guy for a while after a class. Then he asked me to go for supper with him. I said no cause I genuinely had places to be and get done and truly didn't have time. But I promised "maybe next time" just cause I felt bad for saying no and I didn't want him to feel too rejected. He made it sound like he'll be asking me again this week. The problem is that I probably can't go this week either cause I am SO SO busy and don't have the time for the next week or 2.

My real problem is that I don't want it to be a date. Which it probably will be. I get it, he might be a really great guy who I'll really like or what ever, I've heard it all before. But I'm just honestly so not interested in dating just any one. I don't want to have all that pressure to deal with someone who I just met in a dating capacity. I have had all of 1 conversation with this guy and I'm sort of at the point where if I already know someone I want to get to know them as friends first, if it was meant to go somewhere then it will. But I feel like every time you get asked on a date it has to work out or nothing works out. It always feels so all or nothing for me. And I don't like that if the person is actually cool, I could always use another good friend.

I'm not a casual-dating-whatever sort of person. I take my love my seriously, I might be unnecessarily protective of myself because I don't want to get hurt or what ever and I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of seeing a guy all the time over a date where things didn't work out. But at the same time that's just how it is. And maybe one day I'll meet the guy who I'll let down my guard for. But today is not that day.

But never know what to do in these cases. I'm NOT going to change my mind just because I should give him a chance... So I need another plan...




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 01:52 AM

Yo there

You're asking how to turn down a guy? Well, the way you did it is not so good. Many women (and possibly men, although I think they endure 98% of direct rejections) are, well, "untruthful" when it comes to rejections - because they consider the guy's feeling. But honestly, it does more harm than good. Don't lie to him next time. Actually, constructive feedback is the way to go - be truthful and just tell him you don't wanna date anyone in near future. And if you don't find a guy attractive, you can tell him that you're sorry but he's not your type. When a woman rejects me that way, she ding-ding-dings on my respect meter - because many women prefer to lie instead, leaving me with no feedback to improve with - which I'm always looking for - that, and honesty is simply sexy to me.

Good night!


Quote:
"In summary, men experience systematic discrimination in parenting, domestic violence policies, education, criminal sentencing, paternity, forced labor, military conscription, public health policies, genital integrity, false accusations, reproductive rights, portrayal by the media and in the coverage of their issues by the news media."
http://www.avoiceformen.com/
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 02:18 AM

It's not even that he's unattractive, cause he is!! He's good looking, he's smart, he's already done a good university degree, he was fun to talk to... I'm just not interested and it's more to do with ME and my attitude towards dating more than anything else.... And I was legitimately busy and had to get going, it wasn't just a line even though people use it as a line. Which is why I felt so bad cause I didn't want him thinking it was personal and against him (cause like I said, truly busy + not really his fault that I'm not interested, seems a bit unfair for him and I can't help it that I think of dating the way I do, maybe it'll change but still. If I could be certain it wasn't a date I'd love to hang out with him too, that's what sucks even more.




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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 07:08 AM

Just do what PureStorm says and tell the truth.

Next time, tell him that you don't want to get into a relationship now or in the foreseeable future and that you'd love to hang out with him because you don't like the stress of relationships/you'd like to know him more first.

If you do end up realising you have no feelings for him sexually at all, just be frank and say you can't be bf/gf with him.


~the dragon one
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 11:08 AM

Wallflower,

I understand you found him attractive and that is even more reason to tell him the truth. Those "Sorry I'm too busy" lies (I understand you say it truthfully, but many don't) are (while they may be not very productive) utilized to avoid hurting a man's (or woman's) feelings if they find him unattractive. BUT do you think there's harm in looking him in the eyes and telling him that you find him attractive and would consider spending time with him if you had any? Make clear you have higher priorities currently and nobody will be hurt - just disappointed, which is inevitable.

Peace


Quote:
"In summary, men experience systematic discrimination in parenting, domestic violence policies, education, criminal sentencing, paternity, forced labor, military conscription, public health policies, genital integrity, false accusations, reproductive rights, portrayal by the media and in the coverage of their issues by the news media."
http://www.avoiceformen.com/
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 03:10 PM

Except that I WAS genuinely to busy, I'm not sure why you're calling that a lie. THAT"S my point. I do agree that I should just say I'm not inerested in dating/relationships right now, which is sorta why I'm brought this up at all... BUT I just want to make it clear that when I said I was busy that was the truth, it's not like I'm going to drop my plans on a moments notice just cause he asked me too, I hung out and talked a while and then I had to go cause I had 500 things to do. That's what frustrates me, if you turn a guy down cause you're legitimately busy then it seems like a lie cause so many girls (AND guys) say this to let someone down easy. But it wasn't a lie. Like it was the truth, buuut I obviously can't keep saying that all the time lol... Like most of the time I am actually busy, like legitimately, and I find it frustrating feeling like I should be expected to drop what ever my plans were on a moments notice instead of having the decency to be like "hey, wanna hang, lets meet up in the next few days". I really might have time right away, but lots of the time I won't, so I feel like no one can really blame me if I have to say no cause there's no time, if I feel like it I'll take a rain cheque... And that's not just for guys, thats for everybody.

My biggest problem with being like "look, i am not interested in dating/relationships right now" is that I am super awkward when it comes to dating/relationships. It just makes me super uncomfortable and I never know what to say/do when it comes to my own love life, which is probably partially why I'm more willing to date someone if I've gotten to know them in a different capacity first (friends, colleagues, classmates who I work with a lot etc) vs. people who I've barely talked to. I just really do not want to make assumptions and start being like "yeah, you obviously want to go on a date so... no... but as a non-date, yeah sure, maybe, in a few days" because then that puts both us in an awkward situation if I'm accusing him of thinking something he wasn't....




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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Turning guys down for dates - October 20th 2013, 04:05 PM

You should chillax Am sure dragonblood didn't imply you're lying, and I explicitly said what you said: many people use it as a lie, you didn't, but the truth is still always best.
If somebody tells me she's too busy to date me, I know if it's a lie or not.
But yeah, no, the "getting to know as friend first" usually doesn't work, at least when I try it. Becoming "friends first" is not possible from my experience. What you call friends first is probably just an extended mating ritual - you need some extra rapport, but if he's really entering your friends zone I doubt you would let him get out easily. If I don't keep breaking rapport to stay outta friends zone, getting out of it is really hard and nearly impossible with many women if theyve known you for some time.
So all that sounds complicated, and it is really annoying, so if that guy was me: take it (the offer) or leave it, no special wishes.
I think your problem is that you don't want out of your comfort zone. Look, the guy puts his balls on the line risking that you, the woman, smash them. Do you think he feels comfortable doing that? Surely not. But you are afraid of not knowing what to say or saying something silly, thus don't feel completely comfortable and use that as a reason not to date at all. If men were like that there would be close to zero dates today!
Embrace the unknown!

Just some food for thought, I think it would be really healthy for you to step out of your comfort zone. It's up to everyone to decide for themselves when to date - I'm just giving my opinion here. You are genuinely busy and have no time to date, that's cool. But if you got the time, don't let such trivial reasons stop you. You might think the dates won't be so fun if you aren't absolutely comfortable but I disagree. I think it would add some extra thrill, some tension, making it all the more exciting. Just give it a try.

Peace


Quote:
"In summary, men experience systematic discrimination in parenting, domestic violence policies, education, criminal sentencing, paternity, forced labor, military conscription, public health policies, genital integrity, false accusations, reproductive rights, portrayal by the media and in the coverage of their issues by the news media."
http://www.avoiceformen.com/
   
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