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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Best friend vs boyfriend - October 9th 2014, 12:28 PM

Something to note: my best friend is also my recent ex girlfriend. A little bit of this story is also on these forums.

If you don't want to find it, here's a basic background: we broke up because her parents did not like me, and she wanted to get away from that hate and experience a boyfriend that her parents could be comfortable with. There was a guy that she saw she could do this with, so they started datin three weeks after we split. She said I was a perfect boyfriend so she never disliked me through this, she just essentially liked someone else due to her parents making her uncomfortable with me. They have been together for about a month now.

Throughout their relationship, me and her stayed best friends. She started hating me for goin to friends about this situation because eventually rumors spread. Eventually a true rumor spread that me and her had done things that basically constitutes as cheating. She was mad at me for opening my mouth about it, but saw that she was also in the wrong and decided to confess it to her bf. he is not a guy to forgive easily, but gave her a shot anyway. To prove that she would now only care for him and only him, she cut out friendship bracelet off and also now currently tries to distance herself from me when he is around. We both know he wouldn't like it if we continued to be best friends, as he had already said how he got jealous and scared of how close we always have been. But she isn't willing to lose me as her best friend, but she also still cares for him and wants to make it up to him and stay with him.

I'm not asking for anything specific, I would just like thoughts and opinions on this.
                   
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Re: Best friend vs boyfriend - October 9th 2014, 04:31 PM

I think that this is a complicated situation because it is difficult to be close to an ex, especially while you are young. I think that I can understand why your ex girlfriend would be upset by your talking to a lot of people; people will talk, and if a bunch of people are hearing about different facets of this problem, then they might speculate, and bam, you get your rumours. I know it sucks, cause you want to get advice from people, but in my experience it is usually better to limit who you want to talk to when it is a sensitive topic (ex. break ups, sex, money, religion, politics, etc.) , like just close friends or something.

Any ways, I think it is good that she was honest about the cheating and that her and the boyfriend are trying to work it out. I don't think she should have to choose between you and him, but she if she wants to save her relationship it might mean that she can't be around you as intimately for a while. It doesn't mean you guys can't be friends though - just that maybe you guys need to be more sensitive about his feelings. If you guys cheated then he DOES have a right to be upset and a little concerned about you and if he isn't completely freaking out about you and trying to hit you I think that this is a significant improvement over how a lot of other young men will react. Of course, I have no tolerance for jealousy in a relationship, just that I can understand, given the circumstances, why this might be a problem, and why you might need to give them a break if they want to work things out. Just make it clear to her that you guys are friends no matter what, but that you understand if she needs to take some space to figure things out.




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Re: Best friend vs boyfriend - October 9th 2014, 05:09 PM

She had threatened to lie about all of it, until I had my sister text her so she had another point of view to realize I was not the only one to make things happen. I understand my faults in this and I'm letting myself hurt as the punishment.

It just hurts she kinda has to hide me. The fact that stuff started so fast with her and this other guy continues to hurt too, because I wonder what I had done wrong as a boyfriend. She also somewhat cheated on me before too, but I was quick to forgive because I forgive easily. It's hurting a bit that she wants so much to make him better; I guess that's also my fault because I always say how I would be forgiving always even if I was hurt. She's trying to keep this guy because she's at a risk of losing him. I almost made it seem like I was never a risk to lose because I always want to be with her, as a best friend or a romantic interest. I continue to love her even through all of it though.
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Re: Best friend vs boyfriend - October 17th 2014, 10:08 PM

so, bumping this, but new problem:

her bf had broken up with her yesterday. he said that this entire thing has made him unable to trust her fully. so she is devastated by that.

she had thoughts of suicide. she started cutting in class. me and her other closest friend were sincerely worried, so i called her parents, expressing our concern.

we usually always talk to each other through skype calls. last night, we talked for a little while, just so i could keep her company and to make sure she was okay. she expressed her emotions, how she blames herself, and that she still loves me. i told her how everything will be fine after this breakup and that suicide is not the answer.

soon, her dad came in the room, asking to look at her arms for her cuts.
then, he took her ipod (where she was skyping from), and told me, verbatim, "get the fuck out of her life". more was said, about how they have not appreciated my relationship with her. he said to never have contact with her again, never hug her, and that they never want any association with me ever again.

at this point i was ready to give up. i had a nervous breakdown after he said all of that. then in the morning, she still secretly messaged me, making it clear to me she would defy her parents' wishes and want to continue being best friends, that she still will not let me leave. she asked me to give her an old iphone so she can message me secretly. we still talked, hugged intensely, cried with each other during school today.

at this point i just dont know anymore, dont know if there is ever hope of being amicable with her parents, being able to stay in touch with her, even the hope of ever being back together. the latter is selfish of me since that should be the last of my concerns.

but both of our top concern is how we both want to continue being the closest friends no matter what. that we would never leave each other regardless of what happens. and we're adamant about that.
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Re: Best friend vs boyfriend - October 18th 2014, 01:09 AM

I will be honest with you. It's very, very difficult to have a best friend of the opposite gender while you have a significant other. At least in my own experience, jealousy becomes a big thing. People can be possessive over their loved ones.

Think about it from your girlfriend's/her ex boyfriend's perspective. You two once loved each other, kissed each other or did anything that would be emotionally close to one another. If you were together in the past, what's preventing those feelings from resurfacing?

People get worried about that. It's not really you they're worried about- it's the best friend. So, he was worried about you wanting her back, and your girlfriend being worried about you wanting your girl best friend.

It really is a simple explanation in my opinion. People lose confidence and begin to get trust issues. In their minds, "Why would they want to hang out alone? What's happening? Am I going to get cheated on?"

Just wanted to possibility show it from their perspectives.



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Re: Best friend vs boyfriend - October 23rd 2014, 05:13 PM

One of our major concerns still is if there's ever hope for us to really stay friends, since her parents don't want association with me. Me personally, my hope that we're staying friends also means hope we can be back together in the far future. We both still want each other's company. We understand it's complicated and hard, especially since I graduate this year and she still has two years of high school left. We're still close at school, and she still secretly used my phone at home.
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