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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SacredHeart Offline
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Unhappy I messed up bad... - December 3rd 2014, 12:57 AM

I feel like a big whore right now...

I was in a relationship...Albeit a emotionally draining and somewhat detached relationship but i loved him and he loved me.

then I became friends with another guy and i felt bonded after we shared our shared trauma and got carried away in a growing romance,but i wasn't aware until i said it to him.

i had to process this, do i love my boyfriend or this man, and to be honest i couldn't pick it. my boyfriend and i have a history and i still love him but i don't feel emotionally fulfilled but satisfied with everything else.

but, some how he's found out and he's not happy...which i understand but it breaks my heart knowing i cheated when i didn't intend too and i feel lost and dunno what to do...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Noire Offline
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Re: I messed up bad... - December 3rd 2014, 02:16 AM

The first thing to do in all of this is take personal responsibility for your actions. Whether you meant to or not, you made a choice to cheat on your boyfriend. It's important to own that choice rather than saying "I didn't intend to" or "I got carried away." Saying those things is a way of trying to neutralize, both to him and to yourself, the damage you've done by making it an accident. If an apology to anyone, yourself included, is ever going to have any meaning you need to move away from the attitude that it was an accident and accept full responsibility that you chose to throw yourself into a new relationship rather than address the issues in your existing relationship.

If you haven't stopped already I would suggest you stop seeing this other man in a romantic capacity for the time being. Yes, it will be difficult to do so and yes, it may affect your relationship with him, but the fact of the matter is that until you decide otherwise you are still with your boyfriend. Your relationship is in danger and you need to attend to it, even if that means you decide to end it. You can't be attending to your boyfriend if you are still cheating on him with someone else.

The first question to be answered is whether or not you still want to be with your boyfriend. Take the other guy and how he makes you feel out of the equation and look at your relationship with your boyfriend. You said that it is "emotionally unfulfilling but I am satisfied with everything else." Can what's emotionally unfulfilling be solved if you talk with your boyfriend about it? Is "everything else" enough of a reason to stay with him? Do you even want to fix the problem? If you do, what needs to be different to make things work? What do you both need to do, together and separately, to make that happen? If you want to fix things it's important you put your all into fixing it. If you aren't willing to dedicate yourself to repairing the damage in your relationship then there is no use trying to stay in it.

Regardless of whether you stay or whether you go, the right thing to do is to apologize to your boyfriend for your behavior. Again, don't say "I didn't mean to cheat on you;" own your mistake. Own the fact you cheated on him; make no excuses for your behavior. And, most importantly, mean what you say. Let him know that you feel bad. He may not forgive you, and you shouldn't go in with expectations of forgiveness. It may not make him want to stay with you, but you will have done the right thing by apologizing to him.

There are consequences for our behavior, and it may cost you one or both of the men you care about. In the future I suggest to prevent things from getting to this point that you pay more attention to your feelings. Things don't just "break down" in relationships; at some point the "check engine" light goes on. So it's important to pay attention to that light, rather than just ignoring it until you find yourself in a painful situation.

Good luck. PM me if you need anything else.

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Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all

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Re: I messed up bad... - December 4th 2014, 03:38 AM

I, on the other hand, will offer a completely different bit of advice.

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."
^Johnny Depp, aka one of the most adept actors alive, and judging by this quote, a pretty wise man.

You wouldn't have sought out another guy romantically if you were satisfied in your relationship with your boyfriend.

If you're emotionally unfulfilled in your relationship with your current boyfriend, and you've been with him for ages, then it's likely that you've never be satisfied with him emotionally. Seriously think about it before you consider trying to keep your relationship with him going: Would he really ever be able to fulfill you emotionally?

Do not put your boyfriend's needs about your own. He's hurt, yeah, but from the sounds of it, you were hurting from your lack of emotional fulfillment for quite some time. Don't attend to his needs - or even try to apologize - until you've attended to your own, and worked out your own feelings. Your first responsibility is to keep yourself happy.

And, own up to the fact that you cheated on your boyfriend. You don't need to excuse your behavior by saying "I got carried away," because you made a deliberate decision to see where it would go with someone else. Someone who, from reading what you posted above, does fulfill you emotionally.

Even if this other guy isn't one... You were so unsatisfied in your relationship that you broke, and cheated on him. Remember that before you go running back and trying to pick up the pieces. They were probably broken beyond repair before... It just took you cheating on him to see how broken it actually was.

It may be best for you to let your boyfriend go, before you hurt him or yourself any further, so you can both move your separate ways, and find true, emotionally fulfilling love. Love isn't love without emotional fulfillment - it's just infatuation, or lust, or some other misshapen attempt at love.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I messed up bad... - December 9th 2014, 05:13 PM

I'm having the same problem... I am dating a guy that is just so sweet and caring and funny! But i made the mistake of chatting wit my ex-whom i still kinda loves-and he wants me back!
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bad, messed

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