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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rhizzy Offline
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Thumbs down Dealing with a bad breakup - February 28th 2015, 08:13 PM

Hey.
I was in a relationship for 10 months, almost 11 and we got engaged. (I'm young, a lot of people said it was so stupid...)
But anyway.
This person, started messing around. What I mean is, this person started to verbally and mentally abuse me, saying things to hurt me and such.
It made me relapse.
I was made out to blame for every single thing and ultimately sat crying every night.
I finally got the courage to break up 2 days ago, and I feel so much better without it.
My problem is.. they're so manipulative. Very very, persuasive. And I'm afraid, what if I end up back in it? My life was made hell for at least 6-8 months of the relationship.
I was just wondering if anyone had any advice I could use, I'm petrified that I'll bump into the person in the street or maybe I'll get messaged online. I don't want to be hurt anymore....yet that's all I seem to be doing with this person.
It's hurting to not be in a relationship. Yet I'm so relieved.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 1st 2015, 06:20 AM

Hey there Rhia,

I'm sorry to hear what you went through in your relationship and of your breakup. I understand that things are rough and hard right for you right now, but trust me, you will get through this. What you did was right- its good that you ended the relationship with this guy since he was verbally and mentally abusing you. You do not deserve to be treated that way and its not right to be in a relationship with someone who is treating you that way.

As for your problem- what exactly do you mean by saying, "they're so manipulative"? Who exactly are you talking about- your ex-boyfriend? If that's the case, I think its best that you inform people about this situation such as your parents, family members, and possibly some close friends about it. At times like this, they are the best support and they can protect you from him. Also, its up to you to be strict and tell him that you aren't interested in getting back together.

I hope you feel better and hope this helps. If you need any more advice or just want to talk, you are more than welcome to message me anytime.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 1st 2015, 07:08 AM

First, you are so incredibly strong for breaking up with this person. You know, breakup songs are usually these anthems for those who got broken up with who are not "broken hearted" and people very infrequently admit how complicated and how much it can hurt to be the person breaking up with the other person. Sometimes, it feels like you're having to cut a part of yourself out of your life. You love this person, either for the past or aspects of the friendship, but you come to the conclusion that the relationship is harming and not helping you as an individual. You are so awesome for doing that.

Look at that fact. You are strong, and you can resist this person's manipulation. First, block them out of your life on social media. Then, make a plan of action if you see them in public. Ignore them? Wave but keep walking? Conversation? Stick to that. Last, if you end up back with this person, you're not weak. However, if you ever consider getting back together, read this thread again. Remember the feelings that you have now, remember why you broke up, and come to the conclusion that is right for you.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Rhizzy Offline
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Smile Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 1st 2015, 12:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saiyouri View Post
Hey there Rhia,

I'm sorry to hear what you went through in your relationship and of your breakup. I understand that things are rough and hard right for you right now, but trust me, you will get through this. What you did was right- its good that you ended the relationship with this guy since he was verbally and mentally abusing you. You do not deserve to be treated that way and its not right to be in a relationship with someone who is treating you that way.

As for your problem- what exactly do you mean by saying, "they're so manipulative"? Who exactly are you talking about- your ex-boyfriend? If that's the case, I think its best that you inform people about this situation such as your parents, family members, and possibly some close friends about it. At times like this, they are the best support and they can protect you from him. Also, its up to you to be strict and tell him that you aren't interested in getting back together.

I hope you feel better and hope this helps. If you need any more advice or just want to talk, you are more than welcome to message me anytime.
Hi. Thank you for the advice. What I meant by manipulative, he was very good with words. I have tried to get out of this relationship before, and he'd tell me things like he loved me, he'd change, and a lot of other lovely things. He'd make me believe that he'd changed...but then went back to how he usually was. In that way, I'm scared his words will make me fall back into this.
I will try my best to be strict with myself. I need to think of myself first.
Thanks again,
Rhia
   
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Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 1st 2015, 12:14 PM

Hey Rhia,

I think you have done the best thing for you. A relationship should make you happy! If I was in your position I would probably cut off as many means of communication as possible, change your phone number if at all possible, block him on all social media sites and any other little things you can think of. There is always the chance that you may bump into this guy, but if you do just make it clear you don't want to talk and move away from him, or move into a more public place where someone can get this guy away from you if things get a little out of hand.
It's hard being in an abusive relationship, especially when their behaviour can change so much, one minute they can be the nicest person in the world and the next be verbally abusing you.
I would try to keep myself busy, go out with friends and family and go out and do things that make you happy. I know right now it seems like it's not going to get better but it will, and soon enough you will meet someone who deserves your time and attention.

I wish you the best of luck, just please stick to your guns on this one.
Paige


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Angry Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 1st 2015, 01:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxpaigiexx View Post
Hey Rhia,

I think you have done the best thing for you. A relationship should make you happy! If I was in your position I would probably cut off as many means of communication as possible, change your phone number if at all possible, block him on all social media sites and any other little things you can think of. There is always the chance that you may bump into this guy, but if you do just make it clear you don't want to talk and move away from him, or move into a more public place where someone can get this guy away from you if things get a little out of hand.
It's hard being in an abusive relationship, especially when their behaviour can change so much, one minute they can be the nicest person in the world and the next be verbally abusing you.
I would try to keep myself busy, go out with friends and family and go out and do things that make you happy. I know right now it seems like it's not going to get better but it will, and soon enough you will meet someone who deserves your time and attention.

I wish you the best of luck, just please stick to your guns on this one.
Paige
Hi.
One thing that I never mentioned, as I was too afraid, this person is also an alcoholic. I'm afraid to see them because, what if they turn violent? I'm afraid. I have blocked them on everything possible, and had a few messages off this person's friends and blocked them too. I feel like getting up and moving away so I don't have to deal with it. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and so far still staying relieved not to be in that relationship. I'm slowly coming back up out of my relapse. Thanks for all of your help. Rhia


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Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dealing with a bad breakup - March 3rd 2015, 01:03 AM

First thing is first: YOU have all the power. It doesn't matter how persuasive or manipulative someone in your life is, you are responsible for your choices and you have the power to keep them out of your life. You have the added advantage of knowing this person is manipulative, so you expect that that's how they are going to behave towards you. That makes it easier to know when it's happening. The hardest part is going to be not falling into the trap they set for you.

It can be really tempting to get back into a relationship with someone. It doesn't matter how awful they were towards us, they are familiar, and we won't be lonely anymore if they're with us. Many people have the attitude that it's better to be miserable and together than to be alone. But this isn't a healthy way of looking at things. Abusive relationships are harmful to us, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. It's hard to stand up and choose to be solo instead of staying in the comfort of a relationship, but it is really important to be able to do that when the person you are with decides to hurt you on a regular basis. At that point the only thing that relationship is doing is saving you from the loneliness you feel within yourself. There is no safety, intimacy, or comfort in it; only an easy cure to being alone.

I would suggest you make a pros and cons list. Write down the benefits of staying with this person, then write down the negative things about being with this person. Think about how you feel when that person does those things. Look at yourself and see if your life is improved by their presence or ultimately harmed by it. Try to be as honest and objective as possible; perhaps you can even ask your friends what they have noticed about your interactions with this person, if you feel they may have a more reliable picture of things. Even if you do ask your friends, though, the decision shouldn't be based on what they say: it should be yours and yours alone.

If you find there are more negatives to being with this person than positives, then let them go. You don't need people who tear you down in your life; you need people who inspire you, who build you up, and who encourage you to grow. As for loneliness, it can be hard to be on one's own. So often we feel incomplete if we are not with another person. We make the mistake of thinking that THEY make us beautiful and smart and funny and those other qualities we like about ourselves when we are with them, but the truth is that we are those things all the time, it can just be hard to see it.

Do things that make you feel fulfilled and positive about yourself. If you don't have something that gives you a sense of purpose, find something. What are you passionate about? What have you always wanted to try? Do you like helping others? Are you interested in politics? Writing? Sports? Games? Art? Music? Fashion? There are so many things out there was can do that make us feel happy, it's just a matter of finding the right one. Try new things. Go on adventures, with friends or alone. Get to know yourself better and see the things in you that you like. If you can find a sense of purpose and learn to like yourself, you will find you don't feel the urge to need someone else to fill your life quite so much.



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