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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
NotExactlyCrazy Offline
Average Joe
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Name: Charlie
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Second Star to the Right and Straight on 'til Morning

Posts: 107
Join Date: December 3rd 2013

Breakup - Help - December 17th 2015, 07:01 AM

I'm not sure where this belongs so I am posting it again...

So my life is a mess. It has always been a mess, but I have been trying so hard to put everything back together again and I was so close I really was....but then I got into a relationship. My first "out" relationship at that.

To give some background, I came out as Bi during my first week at college this fall. I had only had one relationship prior to that. The previous relationship was sexually abusive, which was something I didn't start dealing with until I started counseling in September. I have a history of anxiety and depression and self harm(The SH being why I started counseling.)

In any case, I got to school, came out and then in October a girl took an interest in me. And I knew her and she was nice and I was flattered so I said yes when she asked me on a date. And at first everything was fine, I liked her, she liked me. Great, right? But then she started telling me that she couldn't live without me and that she didn't know what she would do if we broke up because she'd become suicidal. And then she wanted sex. And I asked to take it slow, so we fooled around a couple of times and both times I had horrible flashbacks to my previous relationship and had to cut them short. The third time she wanted more and I felt terrible about being so selfish so we had sex. And it was great. And awful. And I pretended it was okay, but I went home and cried and I still feel weird about it, even a month later.

In the past month and a half, I have avoided being in situations in which we would be together alone. But that didn't really stop her. She would kiss and grope and touch me in public, and when I expressed that I didn't want to be felt up in front of my friends or my roommate she would reply that she didn't care. Every conversation we had she would find a way to make about her. She would call me gay, even though I told her multiple times that I really preferred not to be labeled as such.

But she wouldn't listen. So finally, this past Saturday, at the encouragement of my friends, I tried to break it off with her. And I guess it worked, we aren't together anymore. I told hr it wasn't working and she laughed in my face and said I was an uncommunicative, cold, depressed human being(may I mention that she has Major Depression, Anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, and PTSD) and that she couldn't wait to be able to kiss whoever she wanted, that she already had her eye on someone else(she even talked to my roommate a week ago about her crush) and told me that it was my fault we didn't work out. She told me that she dated me out of the goodness on her heart and took pity on me.

And she seemed fine. I'm a mess. God, I know I'm messed up and I know I still have a lot to work out but I am trying and I tried. And I didn't think it was my fault but maybe it was. What if it was? Am I going to keep ruining my relationships? Am I going to die alone? I can't stop thinking about it and I don't see my therapist until spring semester and I don't know what to do. He doesn't even want to hear about my misadventures in love anymore anyway, so it doesn't even matter.

But the real issue here is this. I am terrified that she is relapsing. She's only at school, in her dorm with her friends for another day and then she's home and her home life isn't good. Her Tumblr has been happy-tagged for weeks and now everything is very dark and I am so so worried that she's going to attempt to kill herself and it will have been my fault and I don't know what to do or if I'm overreacting. What do I do? How do I help her? Can I? I know she's not in therapy anymore and none of her friends have really seen her for very long since we broke up. What do I do?

I am the one who loved you. I am the one who stayed. I am the one and you walked away. I am the one who waited, and now you act like you just don't give a damn. Like you never knew who I am.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
The screwdriverneedsgas!
I've been here a while
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Name: carwithnogas
Gender: Male
Location: Cute Dinosaur Island!

Posts: 1,870
Blog Entries: 18
Join Date: January 13th 2011

Re: Breakup - Help - December 17th 2015, 12:15 PM

Hello Charlie!

I read your whole story and this is all very complicated... but none of it is your fault. You've just went through a lot of stuffs that wasn't your fault ( your previous lover was kinda mean in many ways ) so it's time you stopped blaming yourself... you were forced into every situation, and none of it was stuff that you wanted. You were just not wanting to hurt her, and that's fully respectable. However, if the girl is really meant for you, then she won't abuse you. She won't force you into stuff that's not okay with you.. most of all

She would respect your boundaries.

But I do think that the fact that she's relapsing means that she might have been in situations where she was abandoned, or lonely in many ways. Thus, she might have viewed your companionship as one that helped her to regain happiness, but sometimes things don't work out that way.. perhaps you could talk to her about what she's going through, and that you're sorry that she's going through so much.. I'm also feeling bad that she is bitter about many things ( she said so many mean, untrue things about you .. but you're better than she thinks you are)

I would suggest talking to her, and telling her that though things can't be the way they were, you'll try to help her out as best as you can. Just my suggestion, though.. because I know she was kinda dependent on you, and would want you to be more than just a friend. I know it's complicated... but for her, what's best is to slowly talk to her, let her forget about any bad/miserable past she's had and maybe refer her to a counselor to help her out with her problems. Also, try talking to her a bit about her home life because it'll help her out in a big way if she has an outlet to rant to.

This situation is plenty messy, but I get the feeling that she can be helped. After all, she's still so young and has a lot lying ahead of her.. she'll be able to make it through it if given the right assistance.

I know that's a lot to take in, but just remember that when there's a will, there's a way. You can beat any negative feelings you've had in the past, and so can she. If you need any more advice or just wanna rant , feel free to talk to me! Your own feelings are extremely important .. and you deserve happiness. It's really sweet of you to support someone though she has wronged you in many ways.. shows that you've a kind and noble heart. That is a very powerful strength!

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
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