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Skyline Offline
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Name: Skye
Age: 20
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Location: France

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Join Date: August 24th 2014

Question i think i'm in love with my best friend - June 27th 2017, 09:26 PM

Okay so I know that the way I feel for this specific friend of mine is different from how I've felt for any other friend, or anyone at all in fact, but idk if it's just really intense friendship or if proper romantic attraction... I also know that I'm not attracted to her in the way I'm attracted to guys I've wanted to date either. The way she makes me feel is very unique, so I kind of want to explain it to you as best I can and then hear what you all think about it.

Okay so first of all, all of the things I would normally feel in a close platonic friendship I do feel with her -- there's that feeling of unconditional support and acceptance, of stable platonic love, of being able to be lazy around each other, of being able to completely be myself around her, and of being able to be honest with her and give loving criticism -- but the things which I feel for her which I wouldn't typically feel for a friend and which are making me ask myself these questions are as following: 1- there's this slightly possessive feeling, as in I want our relationship to be different to how it is with other friends and I want that to be exclusive, like... I could imagine us being a couple or being best, best friends, 2- as well as casual physical affection (like hugging) I also daydream about more touchy-feely stuff like holding hands, spooning, possibly kissing, but it isn't an intense desire as with partners I've had, it's more a curiosity and a sign of care rather than lust, 3- I feel an intense emotional attraction to her, like I really want to share everything and I'm fascinated by everything that she says and truly want to know and understand everything that she feels, I admire her in a way I don't usually admire friends (I can be proud of friends or be inspired by certain aspects of them, but with her it's just like I admire everything and anything she does), and 4- I could imagine myself growing old with her and living together in the same house and be "partners" (whereas I could only live temporarily or next door with regular friends and they wouldn't feel like enough to be my "partner")...
However, I also know that it's not really a crush, or at least not the kind I know. I don't get butterflies, there's no lust, no feeling of intense sexual chemistry...
There is some element of passion and infatuation (as in I'll think about her a lot and miss her and daydream about living together, and so many things I see or do remind me of her) but I think its born from that emotional attraction I feel as well as from plain admiration, as opposed to chemistry and lust (which is the main elements of attraction Ive felt for partners and feel for my current partner, although I do also genuinely care for them, but not quite in this way). It feels like a very mature, reasonable, stable love, and yet it's also incredibly deep, emotional, and slightly possessive (when I say that I mean there's a desire for exclusivity) and even spiritual, if that makes sense.

I'll give a couple of specific examples to try to illustrate how I feel in a less distanced and analytical way:

We live apart (she moved away last summer), and one night she was messaging me about how her friends have been treating her badly and her boyfriend being abusive and it shook me emotionally so much that I cried; I just felt this pure anger, almost hatred towards her friends and frustration at my inability to help her. I wanted to be there for her so badly through everything and just hold her and protect her and make her feel loved.
Usually if a friend would tell me this sort of thing I would of course feel some anger and frustration at the injustice and would want to comfort them, but it wouldn't bring me to tears and it would be harder to empathise; I would think of constructive advice rather than feel an intense emotional reaction.
As for the people I've dated (and my current boyfriend) there isn't as much emotional closeness. Or like, there IS a lot of intense affection and care, but it's more to do with chemistry than anything else, it's not pure, selfless, genuine emotional closeness. This is actually something I would really want to have in a relationship, but I never have; I feel like that's partly because the people I've dated haven't been especially emotional people in the first place but also because lust seems to make it harder for me to form a genuine emotional connection. Does this make sense?

Also whenever I see a photograph of her it makes me have a really intense emotional response. I'll scroll through her instagram and go through all the pictures I have of her over and over again, and seeing these pictures I either cannot stop smiling (I'll smile and laugh even if I'm siting by myself, I can't stop myself), or I'll feel like I miss her very intensely (I'll literally cry);
Often I'll go through her pictures when I'm feeling down, and I'll go from being emotionally raw and haywire (say I'm feeling alone and isolated, or I'm having troubles with my boyfriend or related to school) and seeing her face will instantly calm me and fill me with an overwhelming sense of love and trust. She is literally the only person who can make me feel this. It's almost spiritual honestly, it makes me trust in the universe because I know that as long as she is alive I can be content and fulfilled because shes there as that amazing person...

Having written all of this out, I feel like the most simple way of explaining the differences between how I feel for friends, people I've dated and Her is that to me, Friendship is like Reason and Pure Unconditional Love and Support, Romantic love (with ppl I've dated) is Passion and Lust (which makes it difficult to truly form a pure selfless emotional connection and care), and what I feel for Her is Spirituality... It's comforting and grounding like Reason and Pure Unconditional Love, but it's also awe-inspiring like Passion and that combination makes this sense of spiritual connection....

So something I also think about is how relationships and marriage and dating works in our society today. Basically, in the most conventional, traditional sense, the person you end up marrying and sharing your existence with is the person you have a long-term monogamous sexual relationship with, and who you'll end up raising a family with.
But as I've become more curious and informed about relationships and have read about relationships which are different from the "norm", I'm starting to put this into question. In this case specifically I'm thinking about asexual relationships. I'm just wondering, if any of you are asexual, does what I've described sound like the type of romantic attraction you might feel? The thing is I know that I can and do experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction, but I've had both attractions with all of the people I've dated; I've never dated anyone who I wasn't sexually attracted to.
I've read about asexuality and the experience of intimate romantic relationships and marriage for asexual people, and it sounds like that's the kind of thing I would want with Her...
I've always known that I want to grow old with someone, and up until recently I assumed that would be whoever I was dating, and would be like a "normal" marriage, but now the idea of living with Her and growing old together sounds just as nice. This is total fantasy world though, I know it will never happen, first of all because I dont think she feels the same way about me (which doesn't really bother me though?) and second of all because I would never ask her out because I treasure what we have now so much and wouldnt want to risk losing it. It just helps me to think about this in order to figure out exactly what it is I feel for her.

Anyways I hope you're able to make some sense out if this rambling, I'd love to hear what you think of this bc it's something that I've been thinking about a lot. I'm not sure if I have any specific questions... I guess that what Im wondering is:

As someone who does experience sexual attraction with romantic attraction but who also experiences romantic attraction without sexual attraction in which the attraction feels more "genuine" and emotional but less physically passionate, would it be realistic for me to seek a relationship for someone who I'm attracted to romantically but not sexually? Would I feel fulfilled without that more passionate sexual aspect? (because physical intimacy is one of the ways which makes me feel most connected with someone...)

I know, of course, that no one can answer that better than me and that ultimately the only way I can know is to try. But I'd be terrified that I'm not in love at all and that its just this fantasy Im creating for myself, so I'd really love to hear what you all think about this...

Thanks for reading this all the way through


"You shall love your crooked neighbour / with your crooked heart."
   
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