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Thumbs down discussing everything I'm most afraid of discussing. help :( - August 19th 2017, 08:55 AM

fuck fuck fuck FUCK okay so here is the thing. here. is. the. thing… last night i was drunk and high and someone opened up to me about a bunch of stuff which then made ME feel really open, and I felt like, fuck, it’s so good that this person has told me all of this because it is a Bad Thing to keep negative thoughts/feelings to yourself, they should be expressed…. so I should express MY negative thoughts and feelings !!!!
By the time I had decided that I absolutely wanted to open up about stuff and get it all off my chest, the person who had opened up to me had gone to chat with other people so I just decided to go home. So I went home, but I still wanted to open up to someone…. so I thought…. who better than my boyfriend! this will be especially freeing, because most of the “issues” I want to open up about have to do with him !!


So I sent him a fucking saga-lengthed message about all of this stuff… I told him about how I felt like I was holding so much back from him bc im so insecure, about how I always always have this fear that when he invites me out with his friends it’s just to be polite and he actually finds me irritating and embarrassing, about how I feel so much love for him but that I’d be too embarassed to admit to what extent I feel this love because I’d be scared that he would feel I was being clingy and annoying, and I also told him about how I’m super non-confrontational so I tend to make out that things aren’t a big deal when really to me they are, and I told him that *for example* two things which bother me that he does is that he rarely answers messages and he’s fickle with plans……..


And he answered this morning basically saying that we should talk about all of this in person tonight.


And I’m so so so so fucking nervous, ugh. On the one hand I’m glad that I got to initiate the conversation and that we can actually talk about things which weigh me down which I need to talk about, but I’m so terrified of laying it all out on the table. I always anticipate negative things to happen, and I’m trying not to think of scenarios where he’s like “yeah I actually do find you irritating sometimes” and “I don’t know how i feel about you feeling so strongly for me”, I’m so so scared that this is going to make him abandon me. I always feel like I have all of these feelings and thoughts inside of me and that if people ever knew what they were they would leave me….. so now that I’ve put myself in a position where I NEED to be open about everything, it’s so terrifying. I’m basically going to be doing the one thing that I fear most. And I didn’t even realise that I feared it to this extent until now !

So yeah, I would appreciate it immensely if someone could just say some words of reassurance.... I'll be seeing him tonight so I just need some wise words to put things into perspective and relax me.... like about how I shouldn't be afraid to tell him the truth and be myself bc I shouldn't be in a relationship where I can't be accepted for who I am, so even if it DOES go bad it's better that I find out now rather than later, you know, stuff like that which I already know but which is more reassuring coming from someone else!!!!!!!!!!


"You shall love your crooked neighbour / with your crooked heart."
   
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Re: discussing everything I'm most afraid of discussing. help :( - August 19th 2017, 05:44 PM

I honestly think you've done the right thing telling your boyfriend how you feel. It shows that you have a good level of trust and communication with him, and that should help strengthen your relationship. I'm sure after you've talked to him tonight, whatever the outcome, you will feel so much better to have gotten things off your chest at the very least. Good luck! I'm sorry I can't help much, but I hope my words give you some reassurance.


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