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Elle_94 Offline
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Question How to move on from an ex... it's been so long?! - January 16th 2018, 12:50 AM

Hi guys,

I'll try and just get to the point with this as I could go on and on if I didn't just stick to the basic facts of the situation.

My ex and I have been broken up for 2.5 years now (I know it seems sad and pathetic to still be thinking of them after all that time, but at least I'm not in total denial about it I guess).
We weren't together for very long but it took me a good year to really start feeling like myself again afterwards. It hit me hard and hurt me bad.

Whilst I have fully accepted the relationship is over (and I'm cool with that too, we weren't right for each other), and I've moved on with my life, e.g finished college and started uni, have a new boyfriend and a new job, I just still struggle with a lot of thoughts about my ex. They're not romantic or about wanting him back, or even centred around going over memories we shared together, I think it's just more a desire to know that he doesn't have any negative feelings towards me now.

I really want to contact my ex and just close the book with him. I never really got closure from him. He instigated the break up but I've never been able to truly understand why he did. I've always felt there's something really unresolved there and the only solution I can find in my mind is to talk it through with him and ask the questions I want answers to.

But... its been so long. I'm so reluctant to contact him because I don't want to seem sad and stupid, still trying to get his time and attention after two whole years. I'm also frightened he'll just react with anger and tell me to go away, or straight up ignore me. Then of course there's the issue of it being unfair to my new partner. I know it wouldn't be to get back together, but id still feel weird contacting an ex behind his back. Then of course, it feels wrong to intrude on my ex's new life. He has a new partner himself, works abroad mainly now and has obviously moved on. The other biggie is how on earth do I re open communication with him when we haven't talked for years. The practical part isn't an issue, he's reachable through social media. But what am I supposed to say?! But despite all of these reasons against it part of me also just feels like I won't ever be able to fully close this in my head if I don't try to speak with him.

Do you think I should contact him? If yes, how and when and what do I say?

If you don't think it's a good idea (I'm still 50/50), what else can I do to combat these feelings?

The problem isn't that I'm missing him, so things like seeing friends and trying new hobbies and stuff isn't the answer.

We never said a proper goodbye to each other, we just sort of had a fight and then stopped communicating. I just want a chance to say goodbye to him and along with that, the life I had when we were together... but I think I missed my chance by just being too stubborn and trying to make out that I was over him sooner than I really was
   
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Re: How to move on from an ex... it's been so long?! - January 16th 2018, 10:26 PM

I'll start with a little anecdote:

I was with a man for a little over four years. I thought we were perfect for each other. There were some things that were really wrong in our relationship, though, and I ended up leaving him for another man, one who was much more abusive than my boyfriend had been. When we broke up, he had said we'd stay friends, but as time passed I realized he had no real intention of doing so. We were friends on social media but rarely talked up until about a month ago, when I learned he'd de-friended me.

For years, almost every night, I have dreams where we get back together, or at least where we make peace with one another over everything that happened. I'm sad when I wake up and realize they were only dreams, because in the end I really would've liked to be friends with him. He was so special and important to me that, even now, it hurts not to have him in my life.

But life happens, and we both moved on. We choose different paths for so long that, even if he hadn't de-friended me, it would've been impossible to find closure because it would have been too awkward and out of the blue. And that's why I tell you this story. There's a window of time where you could've asked about things, but you have separate lives that are busy and full, you're not even in the same country, and, if I understand correctly, you haven't truly spoken since that happened. While you could feasibly bring this up, there's no way to do so gracefully, and there's no way to guarantee a good reaction from him.

The choice is yours, but I suggest not doing it. It would ultimately put you at a disadvantage. I know that's hard, but it's true. You're better off not doing it and doing your best to close that door.

I haven't fully learned how to close the door myself, but I do know this: it's something like forgiving yourself for something no one but you can forgive yourself for. You can't get the outside validation, so you have to look at what feelings you have and see if they fit the facts. What's prompting this need to find closure? Is it love? Anger? Fear? Shame/guilt? Chances are it's probably one of the above. Does your emotion fit the facts? Is it practical in this situation? Is the emotion serving some purpose that ultimately benefits you in some way? My guess would be no, it doesn't, since it seems to be hurting you and detracting you from your current life, although truly only you can be the judge of that. But you find the root of the problem and you found out either how to soothe that emotion or act opposite to that, which may mean deleting him from social media and erasing his presence in your life.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have further questions.


Love joins
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Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


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Re: How to move on from an ex... it's been so long?! - January 17th 2018, 10:38 AM

Thanks man. I think you're right in saying that the window if time you have to do this sort of thing has passed now and that it's probably best I just leave it alone.

I think, now I've had more time to consider, the thing I'm struggling with most is why exactly I still think of him. As I said, it's not like I miss his presence in my life any more or that I'm unhappy without him. If anything, life is better now. I think maybe it's more that I've just never gotten over the pain of getting rejected.
   
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