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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question How to tell if you're just really good friends or if you're romantically interested in someone? - February 18th 2018, 10:44 AM

I find it difficult to spot whether I'm just reeeeally good friends with someone or if I have a crush on them, because I've been very sheltered and never really had many close relationships with other people beyond my family. Even with my family it kinda hurts sometimes, unlike with my online friends who always seem nice and supportive of me. Idk whether it's my fault for being deprived of social activity or not, but I've always held my emotional walls up very high and thick irl, so when I become closer with people it's a foreign experience and therefore it's harder for me to identify the difference between the different affections. Ya know?

I once told somebody online that I had a crush on them and they weren't interested, but the rejection didn't hurt as much as I expected and in fact, I felt kinda relieved because I wanted to just stay friends anyway? So maybe I was actually just really good friends with them instead. They never really paid as much attention to me as their other friends though, so it seems a bit strange to me to think that I felt we were good friends when that was only really coming from my end in terms of the actions executed.

I wonder if I was obsessed, but then I research about it and I didn't necessarily only think about them all day every day or have my activities revolve around them, I just checked in with their posts on a daily basis but I didn't comment on every single one or feel inclined to even focus on them and only them all the time. Idk. I guess I was just searching for a deeper connection with them and the friendship wasn't cutting it because they still kept a fair distance from me compared with other people? I don't feel bad about them doing that though, 'cause I am relatively new to them and I only got to know them through a friend I was once communicating with but then was cut off from due to having my account deleted for a couple years.

and now I'm feeling the same way again about another completely different friend and I'm kinda inclined to tell them the same thing, but idk if I want to do that because, my friendship with the other person has never felt the same since. Not particularly because of the other person, it's more about my own feelings. I don't think I'm looking for a partner to share my life with and I'm pretty young so, I have a lot more to do before I settle down. I don't know what I'm looking for.

This seems reminiscent to other people who have apparent "issues" in their early childhood relationships, but idk if that entirely fits here either, because not all of it is the same as all the psychological remnants or whatever I've looked at. What am I looking for. I know it isn't love. Maybe it's just reassurance or some sort of emotional support that I'm missing?

I've never really had other peeps tell me "it's okay" before, I've always kinda just done that to and for myself without getting anyone else involved. Idk. I know it isn't love. I wonder if it's jealousy. but then, I would have to feel bad about other people spending time with them, right? I don't feel particularly bad about it at all. In fact, I usually feel happy for other people when things go well for them with the occasional sense of envy, but that's about as far as I go unless people purposefully dangle it in my face to get a reaction out of me. In which case, I become even less reactive so that they writhe on the reel of their own cruelty. It seems as though if people do nice things for me, I feel inclined to think I have a crush on them even though my feelings clearly say otherwise when they come to reject me? but if so, why don't I feel that way about every single friend that seems like an angel to me?

Idk. I don't even know if this exists as a thing. Or if anyone can help me out if nobody else even knows what the heck is up. I'll post it anyway, just to see. If anybody can shed some light on this for me, that'd be great. ��


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Re: How to tell if you're just really good friends or if you're romantically interested in someone? - February 19th 2018, 02:02 PM

Hey,
You are not the only one going through this. I myself have been in a nutshell as you are.
I have had times when i felt no one but my family is important. Later did i understand stuff is different in this world. You can never (no one can ) actually read others mind. A person who you consider important may not consider you in the same manner. So the fact is that friendship and affection can actually cannot be differentiated cause they are quite same but loving a person on the other hand is totally different. When you actually love a person you will be automatically be able to find the difference. When i had a crush and when i asked her out and got rejected, i just simply didnt feel , after a while i had a crush on a another girl and that is when i would find out the difference between attraction and love. While i didnt care about my first crush rejecting this new girl made it different, A day without her was a total off for me and i just stop myself from crushing on her.
So i hope you get the difference.
THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DIFFERENTIATE and find the answer to your question is to just ask the person out and hope for the best. But you should be prepared for worst too. The whole point of life is to just move on. Whatever may happen you should have the strength to move on in life instead of pondering over it.

Hope this helps.
   
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Re: How to tell if you're just really good friends or if you're romantically interested in someone? - February 20th 2018, 06:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by homosapien View Post
Hey,
You are not the only one going through this. I myself have been in a nutshell as you are.
I have had times when i felt no one but my family is important. Later did i understand stuff is different in this world. You can never (no one can ) actually read others mind. A person who you consider important may not consider you in the same manner. So the fact is that friendship and affection can actually cannot be differentiated cause they are quite same but loving a person on the other hand is totally different. When you actually love a person you will be automatically be able to find the difference. When i had a crush and when i asked her out and got rejected, i just simply didnt feel , after a while i had a crush on a another girl and that is when i would find out the difference between attraction and love. While i didnt care about my first crush rejecting this new girl made it different, A day without her was a total off for me and i just stop myself from crushing on her.
So i hope you get the difference.
THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DIFFERENTIATE and find the answer to your question is to just ask the person out and hope for the best. But you should be prepared for worst too. The whole point of life is to just move on. Whatever may happen you should have the strength to move on in life instead of pondering over it.

Hope this helps.
I mean, with my family it's kinda dwindling day by day and I'm beginning to become a selfish dweeb, but that's a story for another day. Another day where I and I alone can fix it, let alone have time to touch on the subject. For now, I'm just doing my best with everything that I can afford to focus on.

I never will be able to know what the other person thinks and I think that's for the best. There are some things you just shouldn't bother knowing, especially if it makes things any more complicated. Ignorance is bliss. It's not like I ever expect people to like me the way I like them all the time anyways. They're people. So naturally they'll have their own shit to deal with and anyone outside of them is just another juggling act to handle. \_(ツ)_/

I've never really had a legit crush before, I think. I mean, one time I liked this guy for 2 whole years and never asked him out and the feelings faded into nothing after those two years. So I've kinda set a time-limit for myself when it comes to asking people out. In that I have to be able to stand them or remain interested in them for more than 2 years in order to even bother considering a relationship with them. With this girl that I asked out, I kind of breached that agreement with myself and asked her out at the end of the first year. I think it happened purely for this reason, so that I could realise that I didn't really love her and I simply appreciated her a lot as a friend.

I had enough alone time as a kid to do that pondering shit anyways. Now I just wanna get shit done.

I think I know now. I knew all along, I just didn't consciously have all the jigsaw pieces lined up in order for me to finalise my understanding of my feelings. So this helped me quite a bit. Thanks. c:

Oh yeah, the answer is, I don't like this boy nearly as much as I think, I'm just kidding myself because he seems like a decent person and decent people are rare to come by so naturally I feel like keeping them with me. I gotta just accept that maybe one day they'll move on with time just as any other thing. Good things must come to an end in order to experience an even better thing. Sometimes it takes a long time until the next best thing occurs, but even so, it's worth the wait. I've seen what happens to people who don't wait.


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Re: How to tell if you're just really good friends or if you're romantically interested in someone? - February 24th 2018, 09:50 AM

There's a lot to unpack here, but first I'll address your initial question.

In terms of differentiating; this is something that comes with experience. Differences between relationships depend on how you, and your partners, define them. A romantic relationship is almost always a friendship as well, the differentiation you're looking for is whether they're interested in you sexually. This is something which you learn to recognize the more you see it. It's okay to be honest when you feel it, when you don't, and when you're not sure.

Hurt is something which comes in any relationship where you care about each other. Human beings are all unique, we have feelings, and often we hurt each other in our search for happiness. When you tell someone how you feel about them, they may be hurt by it. That's not your fault, and all you can do about it is be understanding and empathetic (whichever side you're on).

With regards to damaging friendships, if there's no immediate need for you to say something, you don't have to say anything. Often, we express our feelings for each other through actions like our willingness to spend time together, going out of our way to do so, cancelling other plans to do so, we can even talk about how much we enjoy the time together without explicitly saying that we have feelings for the person we're spending it with. Relationships, any kind, are complex and constantly changing.

Reassurance, emotional support, love. These are all things we can get from a variety of relationships. Family, friends, lovers. We need other people. Often it doesn't matter in what capacity. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether it's a crush or just a desire for friendship. If you want to spend time with someone, there's nothing wrong with saying that. Don't call it a crush, just say you enjoy hanging out. If you want something more, you'll know and then you can say that too, or wait til they say it first.

Soak up all the experience you can. Be honest about your emotions, even if they're confusing and changing. Humans change, that's okay. People you meet will change their mind about you as well, for better or worse. Observe, learn, be yourself.

Best of luck.
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Re: How to tell if you're just really good friends or if you're romantically interested in someone? - March 6th 2018, 11:27 PM

Thank you. I don't really have any pretty words to express my gratitude, but it's certainly very big. 👍 I always used to think I had to define my shit or it wasn't worth wasting my energy focusing on, so I tend to wait until it fades away rather than try and make sense of it, especially since there's so many more feelings to experience every day. Which is kind of ironic, considering teenagehood is apparently when you're more efficient in sorting through your emotions, 'cause that's when you're sorting out who you are and what you want. Tbh, I'm kind of glad that the situations I encounter aren't always 100% ideal. If they were, I wouldn't be able to grow due to being used to having everything going well and then breaking down whenever something bad happens. Hurt can be experienced and felt, then let go of and the knowledge on the gift of forgiveness isn't lost on me. It's just a matter of controlling the remaining negative effects in you after said forgiveness is achieved. All of which can be done with help. Which I am soon getting. So everything is going well so far. Thank you for the help. It's people and places like this that remind people of life's worth and allow them the will to go on, snapping them out of it when they become lost in themselves. 👍 I just think, they better implement this shit more often in real life after this generation of "robot feelings rules" as well, what with the phenomenal results it brings. Even robots are gaining feelings at this point, so they should just get over it and acknowledge that feelings exist and should be expressed somehow throughout every day life, that way it doesn't end up hurting people either through expression or through holding them in. It's unhealthy and everybody knows it by now.


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