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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bahbah Offline
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Post Kissing a boy with a girlfriend - July 28th 2018, 06:38 PM

So there was this boy. We were together for quite a while, about a year but not technically official, as in he hadn't asked me out but everyone knew we were a thing. Then we stopped talking for a while, 3 weeks I think it was but I hadnt stopped liking him. It was a holiday and sometimes I just dont talk to people and he had started chatting up this other girl and they had told each other that they liked each other. Then we started talking because one of my friends came to town and we were both close to her. Then he told the other girl he didn't like her and told me he liked me (not that blunt but you get the point). Everything was fine and we liked each other, same thing as before, not official.
Then we didnt talk for about 2 weeks and he thought I liked this other guy I was friends with (and that guy was friends with him and told him he liked me) so we stopped talking for about 2 weeks. And oh look he is talking to the same girl again. They confessed to each other and I didnt know and told him I liked him he said its too late he can't do that to her again even though he still likes me. Then later I asked if he liked me (again not like that but you get the point) and he said no. I stopped talking to him because I didnt wanna get between them but I was really upset because I really liked this guy. I lost 5kg in 2 weeks, didnt sleep and cried so much.
But then after our exams us and all of our friends went out and she wasnt there. I was supposed to stay over at my friends house but she wanted to stay at his bc everyone else was. Our friends got pretty drunk and started puking and stuff so we all went back to his place, showered and whatever. Then we went to a shop to get food and water for the rest of our friends (no one else wanted to come with us) and we talked and stuff. Not flirting.
But basically we ended up staying in the same room when we got back and everyone was asleep and we kissed. Even though I knew he was with her. I brought her up but he still kissed me and held my hands and stuff.
I just feel really really guilty but I know if I was in the same situation I'd do it again. Im a terrible person. She knows about it and so do her friends. They've broken up now and me and that boy are together OFFICIALLY now but I still feel so terrible and I think about it all the time even thought its been about 2 months. Please help I cant get over it
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Re: Kissing a boy with a girlfriend - July 30th 2018, 04:45 AM

You're guilty, but you're not bad. The issue isn't with you; it's with the dude. The dude was in a committed relationship, and as much as you desperately threw yourself at him, he was not obligated to do anything with you. He could've simply chose not to participate in your shenanigans, and that would've been the end of it. "Thanks but no thanks," as they say. You, on the other hand, were single. You weren't in a committed relationship at the time, so you weren't under any obligations. You were free to do what you please. There is a fine line between forcing your feelings on someone, but if you give people the proper amount of space and they pull you closer (figuratively and physically), then again...that's a choice they make. However, it makes you guilty because you're putting them in that situation (aka being alone in a room with someone while everyone else is asleep). We all have temptations and desires, but that's why we avoid particular situations that we know are going to end badly. If we like someone, we do our best to avoid things like that. In the end, it's always their choice, but you don't really help the situation when you bring the temptations to them. In that sense, you're guilty. As you grow up, you learn about sacrifice, self-restraint, and etc. At a young age, it's hard to think about other people's perspectives and whatnot, but you develop that through experience.

Maturity is about not sticking your face into other people's business (messing around with other people's boyfriends and whatnot). You're young, so no one expects you to fully understand that. What would a mature person have done in your situation?

Well, for starters, they wouldn't have been flopping around their relationship status. They would've been clear from the get-go "what are we?" Are we casual? Are we official? Are we open? Being a "thing" is too broad. It's a middle-school term. Secondly, if you and him weren't meant to be together, you would've moved onto someone else. If he came back while you were single, then it was meant to be. If not, whatever. It's life. Sometimes you're gonna fall in love with people who don't love you back, and that's the way life can be sometimes. But that's part of becoming a better person/partner. You deal with the bullshit so you can learn what to do and what not to do.

So you shouldn't feel bad about it. Who is to say he won't do it with another girl while with you? Why stop there? Maybe you'll end up like the girl you screwed over? Who knows? You were single, couldn't handle your emotions, not old/mature enough to handle your temptations, put him in a bad situation that he chose to let happen, and made the choice to cheat on his ex-girlfriend on you. It ain't romantic, mind you, but that's what happened. You shouldn't feel bad, but you should feel guilty about it, but that's part of your upcoming maturity speaking...saying, hey...that's pretty messed up that you're screwing around with guy in a relationship. Sure, he might mess around with someone else, but a mature woman wouldn't want anything to do with that in the first place because her experience would teach her "if he's that easily persuaded to go against a relationship like that, who is to say that he won't do that with me?" How mature could that man really be?
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Re: Kissing a boy with a girlfriend - July 30th 2018, 05:21 AM

You're not terrible person. You really like this guy and it sounds like you have been put into a difficult position. He knows how you feel yet he's been ping ponging between you and this other girl and it sounds like he pursued the kissing just as much as you did. It's so easy to say you'll be the bigger person and just say no but you friggin' like him and you gave into a moment of "weakness" so to speak.

Have you considered at least apologizing to this girl if the opportunity arises? You certainly aren't obligated to do so, but it might help with the guilt. You don't even have to take the blame, just let her know that you're sorry for kissing the guy she was dating and that it was a complicated situation and all that. It's not that you're a bad person, but at least she'll know that you feel guilty for what you did. Don't go out of your way for that, just if the opportunity comes up, otherwise, honestly, time heals a lot of wounds.

Have you considered talking to this guy and letting him know how the path of your relationship has affected you? It might help just to talk to someone else involved and have support
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