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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Skyline Offline
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Name: Skye
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Location: France

Posts: 505
Blog Entries: 3
Join Date: August 24th 2014

Unhappy dealing with the break-up - November 5th 2018, 07:49 PM

Me and my (now ex-) boyfriend of (nearly) two years broke up a week ago. I won't go into the details because they're not necessary, the only important information about it is that it was mainly because I was moving away (from France to the UK) for my studies, the breakup was completely mututal, we were totally on the same page and it was loving. There were other reasons we could have ended thing in my opinion, there were aspects of our relationship which often made me anxious, but ultimatly it was me leaving which pushed us to take that decision. So yeah, it ended on very good terms and we agreed to stay in touch and see each other when I visit my family in France.

It's strange for me to observe my emotional reaction to this, given it went so well. I have had breakups before where there was little closure, where it was one-sided and there were general things about it that were a big source of over-thinking afterwards, and I feel like that's the way most breakups go.

I guess what I'm realising is BECAUSE the breakup ended on such good terms (I really can't imagine a way in which it could have ended any better than it did), it's difficult for me to deal with the emotions I feel, because it seems like there is NO REASON for them to be there since it ended so well. I've noticed that every couple of days towards the evening I will get a sudden wave of emotion, the reality of the breakup will hit me hard and I'll feel lost and sad and nostalgic and basically helpless, I'll go to the bathroom for a bit and cry, then feel a bit raw for the rest of the evening. And at night I will dream that he's next to me and I will reach over in a half-asleep state only to wake up and realise I am alone.

Other than that I haven't been overthinking or indulging in past memories, although I have noticed myself feeling anxious and on-edge... like, as soon as I think about something tiny relating to him (like has he answered my message yet, that kind of thing) I won't overthink it but once I've thought the thought I will feel an anxious ball in my stomach. And that's a strange thing for me to feel in this situation because my response to breakups in the past has never been to feel anxious... sad, helpless, overwhelmed, tortured, nostalgic, yes. But anxious, never.

Since the breakup last week, we have spoken very briefly by message and we spoke on the phone a couple of days ago. If there's one thing which I DO think about, it's about the fact that we had enthusiastically pledged to stay in touch -- I lent him my guitar, we lent each other a sweater each, we even planned on doing weekly challenges such as excercising every morning, and encouraging each other... And our communication hasn't lived up to my expectations. I expected us to talk more by message. I expected him to be more enthusiastic about these challenges. I expected to feel close.

And as reality isn't meeting my desires and expectations, I have noticed myself resenting him at times. I sometimes feel angry at him for having read my message two full days before resonding. And as I notice myself feeling this, I remember that this question of communication and staying close while we have been apart has been probably THE biggest issue for me while we were still together. And it was fair for me to want and ask for that closeness from him back then when we were in a relationship, but now that we aren't I can't ask that from him. he owes me nothing.

Mainly the pain I feel is just from confronting the reality that we owe nothing to one another now and that we will inevitably grow apart. I'm not saying that we will completely lose touch and foret about each other -- believe me, I will be picking my guitar up when I visit in December -- but when I think back to my initial expectations a week ago -- thinking we would be talking every day, hoping that the end of our romantic relationship would give way to a strong, vivacious friendship, even keeping the idea in mind that I may return to France permanently in the following years and that we may reconnect and rekindle what we had -- I realise that it was maybe too much wishful thinking.
Most likely, we will keep in touch on and off, I'll see him over Christmas period when I pick up my guitar from his apartment; we'll lose touch a little more, call every month or two; and eventually he will start dating someone new, and when he does, it will probably feel like a whole second breakup for me.

Since I've left France, I've also left my friends behind and it means that there is no one who I can talk to face to face in my daily life about this kind of stuff (I'm currently staying with a really ncie family who are friends with my parents, on a gap year)... So I don't have any particular question, I guess I just need an outlet to express this and a bit of reassurance would calm me.

"You shall love your crooked neighbour / with your crooked heart."
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